Thou shalt not give rise to anger

I experienced a new emotion over the weekend. Anger came a knocking. I'm still not sure where it came from or who it was directed at, but it was there, in vibrant force. Nor do I know if feeling such intense anger was a good or bad thing. But in at least two scenes I got inexplicably angry. I'm still trying to figure out who was angry, me or my character. And who was I angry at? Myself? HH in his role? Kami for witnessing it?

I'm not usually prone to anger in scenes. Usually bratty or giggly or mischievous or sorry or scared but never angry. Or at least not angry for long. When the pain is truly getting to me I kick my legs or beat my fists in frustration.

Was there something particular about that weekend? Was it because of a long, stressful week? Not having played in a while? Being tired? Not being able to get into the right headspace or getting too far into headspace?

The first scene leant itself to anger I guess Two schoolgirls sent to the newly appointed Headmaster for fighting in public.

He made special mention of me as the senior girl needing to set a better example to younger girls, i.e. Kami. His patronising attitude, the fact he was new to the school, was intent in introducing corporal punishment and 'changing' us really got to me. We were just bothersome little girls to be severely punished.

He then produced a hairbrush and ordered us to lower our knickers, lift our skirts and get over his knee in turn. The humiliation was intense. I had to watch Kami get it first and feel guilty I got her into this. Which is funny because in advance the premise of the scene was that we hated each other and would keep blaming each other for what happened. But Kami, like playing with Eliane or Caroline drew my empathy and protective instincts.

By the time the hairbrush was acquainting itself with my own bottom, I was seething. Gripping the chair in pure stubbornness I barely drew breath during the scene. I channelled all my energy into not feeling it. Into not reacting. Into not letting HIM win.

By the time he let me up I was sweating from pain and effort and his taunts that surely I was too old to be be spanked over his knee stung. And it just made me more angry. He then strapped us extremely hard and I couldn't take the pain without moving. I couldn't help but react and yelp. And that made me more angry.

The last part was a final OTK spanking where we both had to ask him to 'please smack my naughty little bottom', which I muttered through gritted teeth. It was a relief to finish the scene. To breathe again. To relax.

Afterwards HH asked what was I so angry about and I honestly didn't know. Of course my character was angry with the Headmaster, (I certainly wasn't angry with HH) but was that all? And I do hate the hairbrush, not my favorite implement at all, because I can't be brave for it. But when the same anger surfaced after a very intense scene where I was raw and open and overreacted to something silly, it made me think twice.

I'm not overly worried about it yet. We did a lot of scenes over the weekend and I didn't feel the same anger in or after all of them. And it's never happened before. But if it continues to rear it's head, I'll have to think about it a bit more. At least figure out if it's a good release or not. Cos inherently it feels wrong for me, for Emma Jane.

But I didn't mean to say it!

Ever been in the middle of a scene and done something you didn't mean to? Now it's not like I plan my scenes in detail or think in advance what I might say. Generally I'm a girl with a name and a background and I have no idea what the top is going to give me. That's the way I like it. But usually I have some form of self preservation, especially when playing with HH. I honestly don't try to make it worse for myself, cos it's usually pretty bad already.

So we were in the middle of a scene over the weekend. Kami and I had been applying moisturiser and helping each other out to get to those hard to reach places. Of course it was only natural we were in our underwear. All would have been fine except we got a bit carried away and the moisturiser ended up in our hair, on the bed, everywhere really! And I guess our giggles were a bit loud. Well so Uncle Henry thought anyway.

He thundered into the room and before we knew it, each of us was lying across the bed, knickers down to our knees and fearfully awaiting retribution. (Neither of us were foolish enough to think he wanted to help with the moisturising!)

Hearing Uncle Henry take off his belt confirmed our fears and we huddled close on the bed, anticipating the horridness to descend. And we weren't disappointed. He was really very upset that his quiet afternoon of peace was ruined and made his annoyance clear in searing strokes across our bottoms. Very soon we were both howling and wriggling across the bed. Poor Kami got one whole set of 6 repeated because she moved out of position on the last one.

On my last set of 6, the hardest yet, I manged to stay down for 4, but they were so hard I couldn't stay still either. As I got my extras I couldnt't deal with the pain and as the 8th one landed I hissed (ever so quietly) 'fuck'. Unfortunately for me Uncle Henry has very sharp hearing and another half dozen quickly landed on my already sore bum.

But when he told me to kneel up and disappeared to the bathroom, my heart sank. I knew exactly what was coming. And I really didn't want it to. Part of me was thinking 'it's not fair I didn't meant to say it, this isn't part of the scene', but the other part of me, the half with the discipline fetish was sick with apprehension and too scared to ire Uncle Henry further.

Kami watched in horror as he scrubbed my mouth out with the icky soap. Around my tongue and in between my teeth, lecturing me the whole time. I gasped and grimaced and tried not to swallow any of it. It was so vile and all so avoidable I was almost crying from the shame of it. Luckily he allowed me to rinse my mouth out before returning to Kami and giving her another half dozen.

Afterwards as I processed the scene I was still thrilled that my natural reaction was integrated so neatly into the scene. That my naughty behaviour, whether planned or not was properly dealt with. Not that I had any other choice. 'I didn't mean to' (even if I actually didn't) is never a valid excuse in these situations!

I told you I wasn't Fiona Locke!

Well I said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not Fiona Locke!

But I do know who is. None other than Niki Flynn, who's just come out on her blog and fessed up. As she explains herself she had lots of reasons for writing under both names.

I will admit though that I did know Niki was Fiona all along. And this idea to create mischief with guessing her identity was inspired by me telling her about some of the theories out there! I hope no-one minded the fun and I'm glad to be able to reassure you that I'm not in the habit of conducting witch hunts and trying to reveal people's identities!

Although I am an Internet stalker. Well at least I used to be before I started writing my own blog and that's mostly kept me too occupied to stalk anyone! But being the stalker I was, meant I worked out who Niki was before I met her, or HH or any of her friends.

It all began when I read Over the Knee and was surprised that Fiona didn't have an online presence. No blog and no commenting anywhere. But she was surely someone in the spanking scene. She wrote too realistically not too be. And her acknowledgements referred to people who I knew of in the scene.

Then when I went online to buy On the Bare, Fiona's second book, Amazon suggested Niki Flynn's Dances with Wolves so I ended up buying both at the same time. And reading both at the same time. In fact I read each a chapter at a time, alternating between the two books. I'm greedy like that and didn't have the patience to finish one over the other!

And my mind whirled. Similar writing styles. Almost the same acknowledgements. Then I went to Niki's blog and Fiona's webpage and started to write a 'I liked your book' email before stopping. All the pieces fell together and suddenly the thought hit me that I was writing to the same person twice. So I didn't send either mail.

I pondered the issue for a while before eventually asking a scene friend that knew Niki, if she was also Fiona. Of course they didn't confirm it for me. Friends don't do that. But they passed on my suspicions and HH (who'd just started corresponding with me!) mailed and confirmed that my stalkerness had indeed guessed Niki's secret. And I was mortified. Acutely embarrassed of having been so obsessed to spot it, worried they would think I was nuts! But Niki and HH were both very forgiving and laughed that I'd worked it out.

So now we all know who is and isn't Fiona Locke!

If you can't do the time...

Kami, HH and I were relaxing in the hot tub. The warm water was soothing very sore bottoms, And although Kami and I may have been a little over playful and maybe flapped around a bit too much or splashed HH once too often, we were quite well behaved, for us anyway!

When we were done Kami and I got out first, put on our robes and returned to the house. Then I got an impish idea. 'Wouldn't it be funny if we took his robe' I giggled to Kami, nodding at HH who was lying back with his eyes closed, enjoying 5 minutes peace. Giggling in return she agreed and we crept out and snatched his robe before racing back into the house.

Pausing to shut the door and hang the robe on the back of, we scampered upstairs and peered out the window. We watched HH slowly get out and shut up the hot tub. Hmmm we'd forgotten that part. He must have been a good 5 mins outside. And it was cold.

When he disappeared from view we waited in anxious silence until his familiar step could be heard on the stairs. Darting round the room but finding nowhere suitable to hide, we gave up and stood against the wall with our towels over our heads. (He did laugh on finding us like that, but not enough to let us off).

Kami was first. He likes to make me wait knowing it kills me. As he positioned her face down over the whipping bench he loftily asked me had I ever had a wet bottom strapping, to which I shook my head in terror. It suddenly wasn't funny anymore!

Wetting Kami's bottom he then aimed the tawse. A few practice strokes before it cracked down properly. I jumped at the noise and Kami's resulting scream. Again and again I watched it fall, feeling sick. This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. HH meant business.

But as he finished with Kami he informed her that we'd have been caned too if we'd actually locked the door, and brat that I am, all I could think was 'damm, we should have locked the door'.

I was quickly distracted from such thoughts by his order to get over the bench. Feeling the water on my bottom I flinched. As he raised the tawse he softly told me that it was true, wet bottom strappings did hurt a lot more. When the first stroke branded my poor bottom I had to agree. Yelping in shock I immediately sat up and clutched the hot welt. Before resignedly lying back down. I have no idea how many he gave me. All I can remember is a band of pain. It really, really hurt. And I did regret the joke. Why were we angering him?

At one point I felt like safewording and realised I couldn't, this wasn't a scene. I couldn't just end it. I believe in playing fair and HH is always clear on the rules. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. (Of course I could really if it was too much for me, but if seemed like I couldn't).

Comparing notes with Kami later she admitted to having the same thoughts. Whether we were consciously doing this or not is hard to know. But it truly felt like a punishment spanking. And the hugs and forgiveness afterwards were even more gratifying.

Leave me alone

An important part of winding down after a scene is the HUG. It's a way for the top and bottom to reassure each other. To clearly end the scene and get back to reality. Sometimes a brief hug is all that's needed and other times it may be a long hug while both process what's just taken place. Usually there's a chat about the scene too. The great parts, things that maybe didn't go so well, giggling over things that were said etc.

The previous time I played with HH we did such an intense scene that I cried for 20 minutes afterwards. I couldn't talk, I just needed to cry it out. Thankfully he was ok with that and held me until I was ready to chat and do a final hug.

But not every top is comfortable with this. Tops need reassurance too. They need to know that they haven't gone too far, that the scene worked, that the tears are ok, that the tears will stop. So I need to communicate this to new play partners.

I don't cry after every scene and I rarely cry in the scene. But if you push me to an emotional place then I need to work through it. I need time afterwards to deal with what just happened and this does not mean you have done anything wrong. Please be patient with me. Of course it's easier if this is talked about up front and you understand me.

It's a bigger problem when I need to be alone after a scene. As in don't touch me or come near me until I'm ready. It happens very rarely but can be difficult for play partners to deal with. I understand that but don't know how to get over it.

As happened over the weekend with HH. After a long day of play I got a bed time strapping and then a paddling. The strap was thin but wide and it HURT so badly. I cried from the first stroke. Not silent tears either, but noisy gulping cries. I don't know how many I got but enough to be truly sobbing by the time he switched to the wooden paddle.

I couldn't believe anything could be as bad as that strap, but the paddle was 10 times worse. And I gave way to gut wrenching sobs the whole way through it. But it was all good pain. A truly emotional release as he stripped me away. I trusted HH. We both knew this is what I wanted, what I needed.

When he gave me the last stroke, the relief of finishing overwhelmed me. I was hyperventilating, struggling to control my breathing. All I could do was lie on the bench and cry it out.

He knows me well enough not to hurry me. Gently telling me to call him when I needed him he sat on the bed, watching me until I was ready. It's a tough place for a top to be. I know that. He wants to comfort me. He needs to be reassured. But I couldn't go to him until I calmed down, until I could breathe again, until I started to process it.

I would never end the scene without that HUG though. Even if it comes 20 minutes or an hour afterwards. It's too important to forgo. But sometimes directly afterwards, I just need to be left alone.

Love your bum

I got scolded by HH for neglecting my bottom. Ironic really coming from he who enjoys turning it to various shades of red and purple. A scolding that came just after he had hairbrushed me until my bottom was a deep scarlet and then strapped me til it was mottled all over. So after inflicting all that damage it was almost incredulous that he would give me a lecture on looking after it!

Except he's right of course. I haven't been looking after it properly. Not enough moisturising or tender care. I let it get burnt on holidays and have barely put any lotion on it after a shower. Let alone intensively caring for it every day, like every spanko should.

The lack of such attentions results in very dry skin that flakes and breaks easily when playing. Most toppy types don't like to break the skin. And I don't particularly like it either. But even more so I don't like the possibility of a scene being cut short because while I and my bottom can handle the pain, my skin can't.

So HH was right to pull me up on it. And by that of course I mean pulling me over his knee and spanking me for it!

Here I go again!

I'm off again people for another weekend of play. The kinky suitcase is packed. I'm suitably apprehensive and more than a lil bit excited. Playing with HH so far has been a wonderful and usually intense experience. The scenes flow as we play against each other and I simply have no idea how I'll react. That's what makes playing with him so great. He surprises me and derails me at every turn.

But I'm extra excited this time cos I shall not be facing HH alone. I will have back up. The incorrigible Kami Robertson will also be there. I'm thrilled to think of how much trouble we'll get into. Cos Kami brings out the brat in even the most well-behaved girl. The last time we hung out we got strapped by Juliet for fighting, caned by Abel for having a water fight and severely tawsed by HH for misbehaving while out to dinner!

Still I wonder if a whole weekend of us is too much for even HH. One of us brats on her own is bad enough, but two of us plotting together can be ten times the trouble!

Anyone care to bet on the outcome? Emma Jane in tears? Kami in tears? Or HH having a nervous breakdown?!

And no, I'm not going to ask any of you to contribute to the scenes or the number of strokes. I learned that lesson the hard way!