I'm a very lucky girl in lots of ways, but in terms of my circle of friends I consider myself extremely lucky. Over the years I have met some wonderful people and developed several deep and close relationships. Most of my vanilla friends I've known for 10 years or more and they've been around for every step in my life; supporting me and picking me up when I needed it and making the good times great.
And since getting into this scene I've met some equally wonderful people that already are, or I know will become, very close friends. People who I can be myself with 100%, but still share my values.
So I'm a very lucky girl, but I'm finding it very hard to reconcile the two worlds.
Only one of my vanilla friends knows about my kink. I mainly told her because I need someone to know where I am at the weekends, or when I go on play dates. I knew she would would keep an open mind and not be judgemental. She never tries to understand why I'm into this but is completely supportive. But most importantly she's not upset about knowing.
Usually I tell my vanilla friends everything and bring them all together for my traumas and celebrations. So I'm finding it very hard to shut them out now. Especially as this is such an exciting time for me. Finally releasing that part of me that was pent up for so long. Having the most amazing experiences and meeting such great people. I want to shout about it from the rooftops!
Having to be uber careful about what I tell them and tying myself up in knots with excuses is becoming very stressful. Not to mind trying to fit in all the vanilla and kinky events and people into my schedule!
I'm hoping to gradually tell some of them over time, but only when I think they're ready. Not because I'm concerned about how they'll react to me, but worried about giving them the burden of knowing something about me that they're not comfortable with knowing, or would cause them undue stress. Like having to fake interest in what I'm getting up to, or pretending to understand, or even trying to cure me. Let alone worrying unnecessarily about where I was and what I was doing.
I'd hate to cause anyone around me any discomfort or unease, least of all my best friends. So for now I'll make it work and hope the day comes around soon when I'm sure they can handle the truth!
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7 comments:
Awww don't be sad! It is really hard sometimes - I am also in a situation of living two parallel lives but now have the added complication of kinky flatmates...cue panicked tidying away of kinky books, a welcome plate of condoms and lollies and other kinky stuff when a vanilla friend came to stay over after a night out recently. I thought I'd done a really good job until a cushion fell off the sofa revealing the plate of condoms and she was just like 'nice'.
Then the next morning one of my flatmates flounced into the living room naked and purred before realising there was a stranger there!
I also told one vanilla best friend initially and found it hard to keep it from the others. The choice was sort of made for me by a vengeful ex who told a mutual university friend about my interests who then told the group of 8 of us who had gone away last summer when he was drunk. They were shocked at first but actually took it really well and it hasn't harmed our friendship, though we don't discuss it particularly. I felt very lucky that the people I care about so much still saw me as me despite the revelation.
When considering the whole telling people thing I try to think about whether or not they need to know and if it would hurt them not to know. For example, did you share intimate details of your sex life with your friends before? If so it might make more sense to tell them. If in doubt I tend to think it's better to be careful than to lose someone you care about as a consequence, even if keeping silent is painful.
Hope you manage to make it work - and until then please share all your kinky news with us :) Your friends should love you no matter what though so I'm sure if you did want to tell people some details slowly it would be ok.
Funny you should post this on the day I outed myself to (yet another) vanilla friend.
I have told, um 7 or 8 of my vanilla friends now, but all very carefully chosen as ones I was pretty sure could cope with the truth. They've all been happy for me. Some want to know more than others, and that's fine, I tell them. Some don't, and we never talk about it, they just know that sometimes I am with other, "new" friends.
If you do have friends you can come out to, it's worth doing, because, as you pointed out, it's so much less stressful, if you can mention that you were with kinky friends the previous night, even if that's all you say.
Hey there short-stack :)
Great blogging thus far! Well done.
Just to say I'm so glad to be among your kinky & naughty set of friends. I feel much the same way about my vanilla buds. Alas at this stage I don't think some would take the news as well as others and peeps do talk and gossip so for now that means the better part of valour is discretion. Wish it were otherwise but at least you've got one great mate in the know, even for safety reasons.
We missed you dreadfully at Nimhneach you know :)
This is the second post of yours which has resonated with me in as many days. I am struggling with how to reconcile two possible circles of friends. I naturally tend to blurt out whatever happens to be in my head and right now its full of laughing girls and slapping hands and tight corsets and white bikinis and unisex changing rooms and nipple chains and stop, shut up. I find it hard to maintain my internal firewalls even when sober. Ireland is a small place and its full of people for whom talk and gossip (in the nice sense) are second nature. I want to share my buzz but I know I cannot prevent leakage. For the risk of recognition at Nimh I tell myself that our security from being outed is mutually assured destruction, but If I let my own mouth shop me ...?
Hi Emma! So, this post really resonates with me, as it comes at a time when I'm agonizing over how much of my (brand-new) kinky life I should share with my best friend. It's the kind of friendship where we share everything, no matter how random or personal or gross, and it feels strange to have to hide anything from her. I came out to her not too long ago as kinky, and of course she's totally fine with it (and not 100 percent vanilla herself!), but like you I desperately don't want to worry her or cause her distress. And I'm pretty sure that saying, "Hey, I'm off to England to be beaten by a bunch of kinky people I've never met before!" might cause her to worry. Which leaves me feeling all lying and traitorous and confused... so, yes, it'll be awesome when finally everyone can handle the truth : )
Yeah, I struggle with this as well. (I guess most of us do) Loose lips sink ships and all that, and I even find myself being careful about who I get drunk around because I can't always censor myself when I'm boozed up. This is the biggest, best, and most exciting part of my life, it occupies most of my waking thoughts, and it's difficult to keep the fences up all the time.
For myself I don't really mind anymore...I'm thousands of miles away from my friends and so I've got that hedge. But being part of a couple changes things--if I out myself I out my partner, and that's not fair. And as everyone has said, Ireland is a small place
I find lies, even little white ones, very difficult. It hurts me every time I have to evade a question or make something up. I am grateful that I can tell my best vanilla friend about some of it. She's not into it herself but several of her friends are, and she finds it all interesting and amusing and edifying. I don't share absolutely everything about it with her, but I like to know that I have one person I can relax and get comfy with and if it comes up, there's no censoring or lying necessary.
The other thing is that at this point I have many more kinky friends than I have vanilla friends, so that eases things a bit. And thank god for the internet, where we can be our kinky, scene-named selves.
Ditto to all this! As Caro says thanks be to goodness for the net where we can share our problems & fears & meet people who are in the same boat.
Also Caro, thanks for the tip about your loose drunken lips. I will strive to keep you away form any vanilla types I know!
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