Who's in charge around here?

The short answer to the above question is obviously me: I am certainly in charge of my own life. I take responsibility for my actions and my own happiness. I also take responsibility for my failures and I am usually much harder on myself than anyone else.

I've blogged at length about this thing we do and how despite the fact I'm independent and strong willed and stubborn and have been looking after myself for a long time now etc. etc., I like giving up control to trusted people for defined periods of time. To that end, I mostly play with like-minded, same interests type people.

My most amazing and mind blowing scenes have been those where I have let go completely. From pain induced submission as in a work house flogging, to the cleansing of guilt at hurting a friend by careless words, to a humbling spanking in the snow and to feeling like a proper schoolgirl at Lowewood.

So I really want to be able to get to that headspace and to let go. But the thing is when you're used to being the one in charge it's not always easy to give up control and submit, even for a scene. Especially when you're on home ground. It's one thing to go visit people and stay in their houses. How much easier it is to let go in a 'your house, your rules' kinda way.

But when people come visit me here I find it much harder. It was bad enough when HH came to visit and we stayed in a cottage down the country. Having to do all the organising and driving made submission harder and me a lil more stressed, but we managed it in the end.

Despite having that experience to go on, it was so much worse when Abel stayed in my house last weekend.

I was in complete bossy 'let's go here, see this, see that, eat seat this and watch that la la la' mode. To be fair he was mostly patient and appreciative and somewhat amused at this side of me. Even when I woke him in the middle of the night to remake the bed to my satisfaction. (The slippering he gave me for this was more in amusement at my craziness than anything else!)

And it was a very lovely weekend even if I was becoming increasingly territorial and stressed with this invasion of my personal space. Getting to the point of comments that bordered dangerously on the side of sharp. Unsurprisingly it was not the most conducive atmosphere for playing scenes, even if on a non-kinky level we were having a perfectly lovely time.

However things came to a head when we attempted to play a school girl scene. I was dressed in one of my several uniforms and being caned and tawsed for sneaking out to a local nightclub. All was going well until a cane stroke landed a smidgen lower that I felt was acceptable. And I commented to that affect, coming right out of character. When the next landed, by sheer luck on the same spot, I made an even more scathing comment to Abel.

It pretty much killed the scene and deservedly so. Still wound up I berated Abel for letting me away with such behaviour. On calming down I repeated the sentiment in politer terms. Thinking out loud I didn't think it was fair on any top to run a passing commentary on what he or she is doing. That I have no right to interrupt the scene unless the top was being unsafe or I needed to safeword - neither of which was the case at all here.

I was very annoyed with myself. Abel is a very experienced and careful top and I had chosen to play with him, in an agreed scene. And I was taking my frustration at not being capable of letting to let go, out on him. The guilt was killing me.

After a few minutes of thought, Abel told me he agreed that my behaviour was inappropriate. In his scariest voice he ordered me to bend over the bed and gave me 12 searing strokes of the dragon cane in quick succession. I jumped and kicked after each one but he was unrelenting in his pace and severeness. All the while he scolded me on my behaviour and lack of respect for him. By the end of it I was sobbing, guilty at how I'd behaved, mortified I'd upset Abel and in real pain from the cane strokes.

But we weren't done yet. Made to lie face down on the bed I had to endure 12 lashes with my new XH tawse. Given that it was a present from Abel and Haron, I cried even more thinking how nice they'd been to gift it to me and how ungrateful I was.

After I had sobbed my apologies Abel held me tight and forgave me. The catharsis was blissful. We cuddled for a long time and for the first time over the weekend I was properly relaxed and happy to just be. Not anxious about the hourly itinerary, not double guessing whether Abel was enjoying himself, not berating myself for a snide comment and most of all, not struggling to hide my kinky/submissive side.

And that feeling that I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders all the time is exactly why I do this thing we do, why I can't always be the one in charge around here.