It's all about austerity right now. The economy, recent play sessions, even the London Tanner's new range of implements (check them out on his new site, launched just in time for Christmas).
But hey what would a kinky life be without a little bit of pain.Or in recent weeks a lot of pain. Anyone reading the blog and my play at Shamrock, Finishing School and my Judicial might be forgiven for thinking that all I'm about is severe play and pain. It's certainly not true.
I'm primarily about headspace and the mental journey. And with the right set-up and trusted play partners I can go deep with very little pain. A lecture from Abel or HH can have me in tears with just a hand spanking, and even at the judicial I was crying before any strokes fell at all, so consumed with fear and the enormity of the situation.
Yet there is a part of me that likes to play hard too, sometimes. I'm not quite sure where that drive comes from. On my judicial post there was a great discussion about hard scenes and what various people get out of them and why they do them - for art, for a loved one, an act of submission or just...
I understand my need for pain when I'm being properly disciplined. When I accept pain as a means of atonement. But that's different. There's no flying there, no pride in survival, just shame and regret.
And reading that sentence back maybe there's my answer - flying and pride. I certainly fly after severe pain scenes. The challenge of surviving my punishment, the fear and the adrenalin intertwining throughout and the endorphin rush at the end. When the tops throw down the gauntlet and I get through it, it's like a personal victory. One I am proud of.
Yet the sane amongst us would ask what's to be proud of to be beaten until you scream, to cry with body-wracking sobs, for your bottom to be marked so badly you shudder to look at it, for sitting to hurt for a week. And I cannot answer that. I cannot answer what it achieves, except to say how I have felt. I've let myself be vulnerable, raw, broken - submitted willingly to pain beyond my limits but have not given in. And for that I have felt better, stronger, more powerful, invincible, free!
So as in everything, balance is required. I need the gentle scenes and light-hearted ones, the group ones and the just me ones, the dark mental places and the safe little girl feelings. But there's a place for the severe too. Austerity doesn't always have to be a bad thing.
p.s. I have been short listed as Spanking Blog of the Year at the Spanking Spot. I'm there with some great and much loved sites including Chross and Spanking Writers and feeling very scared amongst the big guns. So please vote for me :)
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7 comments:
I think it's totally up to you how hard you want to play, how frequently you want to play hard and how hard "hard" even is.
There's no right or wrong answer (I think convetional wisdom would claim that that's because what we do is fundamentally quite odd anyway.)
Pride, however, I think is a different question. It seems logical to feel proud of yourself if you do something that was difficult and frightening and complete it a way that you're happy with. So I see where that comes from as well.
What I do struggle with (and I'm not saying that you personally purpetuate this idea.) Is the idea that playing super hard is an achivement within itself, that being able to take more than anyone else is "better" or something to aspire to.
I think sometimes people on the CP scene foster this idea of taking more and taking it "bravely" more than people on the BDSM scene do, but that might be as much personal experience as anything else.
I think as long as you don't think yourself better because you can take more (which I obviously don't think you do) then you should be as proud as you like about scenes you've played.
The times I'm most proud of myself is when I can be completely submissive in my own head space with little or no pain required before I get there.
Like reading your explorations...
It struck me reading this that the same is true in many ways for a top. That judicial caning - I still find it hard to explain how I could watch someone I love go through that. Yet doing so emphasised how loving and protective I feel about you. But some of the lighter scenes we've played, with far far lighter spankings - they've been incredibly bonding too.
I have always loved your use of the word 'flying', too - it so describes you after an intense scene. And I was so glad when I recognised that you were in that state after the judicial.
Good luck in the Spanking Blog of the year vote, Emma Jane. I gave you my vote (though I like reading the Spanking writers too in a different sort of way).
Ernest
I just wanted to say I love reading your blog. And I can't believe you're from Ireland! It feels like nobody else here is into it sometimes...
Anonymous - you should really look into a new group called the Shamrock Spanking Society in Ireland: groups.yahoo.com/group/Shamrock-Spanking-Society/
i voted for you :)
-Richard
I can definitely relate to your experience of being proud of having taken something that was difficult to take and having overcome your fear! What I haven't experienced, yet, is the feeling of flying after a scene. I think that's because I'm a control freak. I can feel happy after a scene, relaxed, relieved, peaceful or even proud, but I don't fly. That's okay with me, though, because it's just how I am. But I'm very happy that you experience these strong feelings that you seek! :-)
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