Like many bottoms, I'm a control freak. In everyday life I'm bossy, independent and determined. Not at all submissive. It's that classic cliche, where the person dominant in real life turns to submission in kink, for the release, the liberation.
In my last post on roleplay there were lots of great comments around the ability to roleplay characters vs playing as ourselves. As the post focused on roleplay I didn't talk much about playing as me. But I actually do, much more than might have come across.
With some people, playing as me is about being submissive in a private and sexual way; sexual pleasure, sensory touching, gentle dominance or rough beatings and sex. With others it's about real discipline which is the hardest to take. Having to admit I have messed up and that I deserve punishment. The discipline kink is so powerful for me that it can't be faked. A roleplayed girl who is being disciplined causes not half the depth of emotion that me, Emma Jane, feels when it's actually real.
Yet my roleplay characters are important too. They free me from the everyday me, the controller aiming to be a perfectionist. So I don't feel I hide behind them, but they are a useful tool to release my inhibitions. Kaelah wrote she couldn't imagine playing a character that she didn't like or that wasn't a part of her. I think that's true for me too, and I don't think I play characters that aren't part of my id.
I didn't like Lucy Plackett, but she was still me. She's the not so nice part of me, the little voice in the head that just wants to be mean, to get one's own way, to enjoy having power over people. I like to think that my other nicer and more pleasing traits dominate that little bit of me, keep it hidden, at least most of the time. But I loved being able to set her free in a controlled and safe environment.
Roleplay works so well for me cos I can think it through, after all for most of us kink and the sexual thrill are created in our heads.. The upcoming dark fantasy I am planing with HH is one that goes through my head over and over. I imagine the girl, what she'll say, how she'll react, picture her crying, picture how scared and helpless she is. Play it over in my head so when we do play it then I will be her.
I never knew what self-visualisation was until I did a psychology course at college, but it's something I've always practiced. Before public speaking at school I'd act it out in my head, see the audience, feel calm and confident. And even prepping for interviews now, I'm going through every conceivable question and answering it confidently and accurately.
The control freak in me is reassured by such preparation. Just as she is before roleplay scenes that are thought through, discussed, dressed for. Not that I am allowed to dictate the scene but I generally have an idea of the level of severity, and just how dark and scary it might be.
Of course in real punishment, there isn't any reassurance to be got by thinking it through in advance. That only deepens the shame of being in trouble. I know that it'll hurt and that I'll cry and plead that I'm sorry; but that's all that I know. The control freak is OK with that though, because it's a punishment for stepping outside the boundaries that were agreed. The control freak loves rules and boundaries and defined consequences for breaking them. That's easy.
But I have a scene coming up soon where I have absolutely no control over what happens. I have no idea what will be done to me, how long it will last or how I will react. I don't even know for sure who's actually going to be there as the tormentors. I try to visualise the scene but can't, having never done anything like it before. And others who've gone through it are careful not so share any details. So I'm left with fearful anticipation and wild guessing. With no idea what end of the spectrum my guesses are landing. The control freak is freaking out.
I have thought of pulling out. Thought of many excuses, even a list of ailments that could prevent me from going through with it. Reasoned that with everything else going on right now it's not the best time to do such a scene. Trotted this theory out to people like Abel and HH, hoped almost they'd make the decision for me. Even my dreams are disturbed as the control freak expresses her outrage at getting her into this mess.
I'm going to have to block her out, because for reasons I can't really explain I want to go through with this. I want to turn up blind and put myself through the unknown. I will try to stay strong and endure bravely. If I cannot endure bravely, I will endure anyhow. I'm genuinely curious to know how I will react to this complete and utter lack of control, to know how the control freak will cope.