Dark fantasies and landmines

A while back I wrote about how difficult I find it to articulate or communicate my dark fantasies to other people. There was one fantasy I was struggling with at the time that prompted that post. In the end I did manage to write a context for it through a short story and I followed that up with random facts and examples of the violations that person would commit. For his part HH did his own research and between us we came up with the scene. On my last visit we attempted to play it.

It's a scene I've wanted to play for a long time. And one of the first we discussed in our initial emails. Back then I spoke a lot about authority figures as below:

"For me any authority figure works well, especially a male authority figure. To some extent I naturally believe in authority, rules and legitimate power: headmasters, prefects, policemen, master of the house, rugby coach, tutor, father, guardian etc. And because of that I'll try to behave, respect their rules and accept punishment if I fall short."

Eventually I admitted that Catholic priests came under that umbrella too. One that fell into the abuse of power category, which was even more appealing as a fantasy. It was difficult to admit that I had such fantasies, both from the point of view of being an Irish Catholic myself, and also because of the stories of abuse that have shocked our country.

Each of us in our roleplay takes parts of real life happenings as inspiration, through what we've read or heard. Our fantasises feed (consciously or unconsciously) on such material. But it doesn't mean we condone what happened, or that we would wish for such things to happen to us, without our consent. Just as consensual 'rape', i.e. the illusion of being raped bears no relation to the real horror of actual rape. I no more approve of the children beaten at school under the guise of discipline than I do of the priest who abused the children in his care. Yet a school girl caning scene is probably more palatable than a priest abusing the same girl. But our fantasies are OK, aren't they? Each to their own and all that, right?

I'm actually trying to convince myself, as much as any of you here. Because I do struggle with it. And despite wanting to play a priest scene  it's taken this long for me to attempt it. The publication of the Ryan report made me hate myself for having such fantasies in the first place and it's taken almost two years for me to consider it again.

In advance I was worried about my ability to go through with it, but wanted to try. HH was supportive, leaving the decision up to me. He had his cassock, I my 1960's short dress and brogues. As the housekeeper's daughter I was caught reading an inappropriate book from his shelves and we took it from there. From the start I found it hard to let go. HH was scarily convincing as a priest and although I went through the right motions of fear and shame, I was very conscious of my every move.

And then the landmine hit. HH asked me to say a certain prayer. As I struggled to remember it my Grandmother floated into my head. She had taught it to me. She was the last person I said it with. It's a prayer that she says for me regularly, a prayer to keep me safe. I went numb and HH spotted it immediately. End of scene.

He took me upstairs and consoled me as first I babbled incoherently and then sobbed loudly about how I was walking all over my Grandmother, one of the most important people in my life. How I felt like I was throwing everything she believed in back at her by making a mockery of her religion. I felt so distraught it shocked me. How could I not have seen this coming?

It took a long time (and much hugging from HH) for me to calm down about it. To forgive myself for treating my Grandmother so disrespectfully. And to accept it was OK that I couldn't do that scene, to come to terms with the fact some things run deeper than we can appreciate.

It doesn't mean I won't do any more dark fantasies though, just not this particular one. And although I'll be no more capable of preventing another landmine from hitting, at least I'll won't be as shocked by it.