Friday, December 9

Safe Places

When I was little my Grandmother’s house was a safe place; a refuge from the world of alcoholic parents screaming at each other, and being the eldest child who grew up very quickly. A place where I didn’t have to be in charge and where I was unconditionally loved.

Uni was my next safe place. Living away from home, making new friends, getting involved in things that interested me and for the first time feeling it was all about me. 

In myrew up very quickly. r ng the eldest chidl ld  kinky life my blog became another safe place. Where I processed my new experiences and grew up in the scene.  Amelia Jane put it best when she said her blog is her sitting room where she invites you in to sit down for a chat, but it’s her place and you are a guest.

I feel like that about my blog. It’s my personal place where I talk about what’s important to me in the scene and in my kinky life, sharing with other like-minded people.  But I have been reluctant to let too much of my real life invade this safe place. I preferred to record and live my kinky life only. I’ve never even talked about why I like discipline and rules in my kink, as so many others dissect. The truth is: I’m text book Freud; I grew up without either, I’ve always felt an adult in my house and I love to regress to be without responsibility. In my real life I am organised, controlling and at times domineering.

Apart from discipline and submission I love the catharsis of play. When I’m feeling vulnerable and emotional in my real life I find it empowering to play dark and abusive scenes, where I immerse myself fully and come out the other side having survived.

In roleplay I also get to act out another life. Caoilfhionn is the smart, sporty girl that’s uber confident. Lucy Plackett is the bitch I never was, even if I was capable of it. My Regency ladies are pretty, accomplished  and composed; the equal of everyone else.

And sometimes my EJ is petulant and moody. Sometimes she says things that aren’t nice. But luckily people who care about her don’t let her get away with it. The residual guilt that being nasty leaves me, is effectively dealt with through punishment. 

But despite those intentions real life is creeping in. I can’t explain where my head is at without giving real life context. And where my head is at, influences my play. Which is why back in May I blogged about losing a member of my family; I needed to process the link to roleplay and feeling disconcertingly disgusted by my kink.

Once again I find myself dealing with another family trauma; this time it’s my Grandmother. She’s dying of cancer and I am scared of losing my safe place.  As I come to terms with it I am leaning on my friends who are staying with me, despite the tears, rage and irrationality; a tantrum of epic proportions.

All my friends are being so supportive it’s humbling. Whilst both HH and Abel are offering shoulders to cry on, hugs for when I’m cried out, gentle admonishments when I’m out of line and discipline when the subsequent guilt sets in. The most powerful of which happened at Kink Towers, when HH strapped me for being a bitch and Abel observed. When I petulantly asked why was he even bothering if I was such a nuisance, his patient answer made me cry before the strap landed.

I’m hoping that opening up my blog to these things won’t take away the safety of it. After a couple of years in the scene I thought I didn’t have anything else to learn. The past six months have taught me I can’t pretend kink and real life can be kept separate. I can’t switch one off when I please; they both clamour for my attention and both insist on impacting the other.

Just as my friendships can no longer be defined as kinky or vanilla. They are simply friendships and how we met is now irrelevant. And the ones that have prospered the most are those where all aspects of our lives intertwine, easily and beautifully. I have found another safe place.


Abel1234 said...

This is such a beautiful, moving post on so many levels. Again, your writing is just so powerful.

I've also found that, actually, my kink life and real life have become totally intertwined - especially in difficult times. And I've also struggled with opening up my own blog to my real emotions; I still edit them to an extent, but the supportive response when I've done so [needed to do so] has kept me going.

And that shoulder to cry on will be there as much as you need it.


Anonymous said...

You are a beautiful person, inside and outside, and I admire you for your sharing on your blog and chronicling your life's journey and letting us help you, when we can, on that journey.


Barrister (Larry)

Anonymous said...

Your blog posts are beautiful and powerful and sincere. They are a reflection of you as a person. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

You and your grandmother are in my thoughts.


Mija said...

First, I'm so sorry you're going though the loss of your grandmother. Like yours, my grandmother was my support, safety and the means by which I understand unconditional love. I still mourn her loss often and strive to be worthy of the girl and woman she always believed me to be. I know you have much support and love, but be sure to take it and enjoy as much as you can now.

I found your discussion about your blog and the intrusion of real life interesting. When I started my blog my plan was that it would be mostly political with some splashes of kink. But in reality, most of the people I know and are close to in my life are people I know from the scene. It didn't take long for what was an everything blog to be most heavily a kink blog. Yet if I only blogged about spanking, my blog would soon become uninteresting to me. The fact is my interest in kink ebbs and flows. There are times when my head is somewhere else and I don't think (hope anyway) that should make me less attractive or worthy of being read than the times I want to write about the scene.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on. What I meant to say is that, for me anyway, I value the insights you give into your life and personality, your loves and your losses. They're gifts and I thank you for sharing them.

Marlowe said...

This is very powerfully written. I've only just caught up with it so I hope you are holding on in there OK. The links between kink and real life are many and complex, so I hope this is also helpful to others trying to understand the threads that pull on their lives.

Best wishes from Lily and I.


Kaelah said...

I'm very sorry to hear that your grandmother is incuribly ill, Emma Jane. Cancer sucks!

Drawing a line one is comfortable with when blogging is indeed a difficult task. I think I am very open about my feelings and fears and about experiences I have made, but all only in the context of my kink and my relationship with Ludwig. I'm much more careful with any information about my professional background and vanilla life. I guess that is for two reasons: First of all, I want to keep our blog a kinky-themed blog. Secondly, I don't want to give away any information that might heighten the risk of random people from my vanilla environment finding the blog and of me being outed (I don't care about vanilla friends knowing about my kink, but I don't think that my neighours or colleagues have to know about it).

I'm thinking of you, I'm glad to know that your friends will support you in these tough times and I hope you will find a good balance between openness and protection on your blog. May it long remain one of the safe places you can go to!

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