Sunday, December 2

Pain

I can't take the pain. It's too much. Too severe. I want it to stop. He holds me, saying nothing, listening to me scream.

 "Please, it's too much, I can't cope, I just can't cope"

I'd never imagined anything could hurt so much. I thought I was tough, I thought I was brave, I thought I was invincible.

I fought the tears of course. Tried not to give in. I've learned that if you build the walls high enough you can fight off most onslaughts. But he knew what he was doing. They all do. Expertly find the chinks in my armour with their weapons of choice: kind words, sincere hugs and unexpected presents; sometimes they even cry with me.  

His weapon was putting me over his knee, spanking me hard until the walls loosened, gently then so the tears started and finally a short firm burst, until I was sobbing.

Afterwards, when I've cried myself out I lie quietly, feeling better for now: beautifully, emotionally numb. My mind wanders to other times I've cried like this with him. The levels of physical pain he has caused me; the dark places he has taken me to and how much I loved the pain and misery that accompanied those times. I used to think I knew what severe pain was: I was wrong. 

In real life there are no safe-words. There is only time and love, and eventually the faint stirrings of hope.

6 comments:

Henry Higgins said...

That's beautiful. And powerful.

HH

Abel1234 said...

Yes, very much love. All the love you could hope for or need. Not that it can solve things that can't be solved; only that it can be a comfort and, sometimes I hope, give you strength and reassurance.

A beautiful post.

joeyred51 said...

Beautiful and powerful post. You are lucky to have good friends who care.

Hug,
joey

PS I missed your posts.

Indy said...

"His weapon was putting me over his knee, spanking me hard until the walls loosened, gently then so the tears started and finally a short firm burst, until I was sobbing."

Perfect.

I don't let go very easily, but it's the breaks from the spanking that bring me closer to releasing deep emotional pain than the spanking itself. The feeling of being held safely OTK helps a lot, too.

Those faint stirring of hope mean so, so much. Now, even on the days that feel hopeless, you can remember so much more easily that you didn't always feel that way and there will be good days ahead.

It's lovely to see you writing again, EJ. xx

Kaelah said...

I'm very happy to see you blogging again, EJ!

I cross my fingers that time and love will indeed help to reduce the pain. It is wonderful to feel safe enough to release emotional pain. And it is good to know that you have friends who can give you that feeling of safety. With Ludwig I don't even need a spanking in order to let go, I just need him to hold me.

Ordalie said...

I'm so glad you are back!