Throughout my scene life this blog was hugely important in helping me process my new experiences. The volume of posting had naturally diminished as I had fewer truly new things to talk about, but when I was going through the most painful experience I'd ever had, I found it impossible to write.
For me, writing has always been about processing, accepting, growing and moving on, i.e. dealing with something. But dealing with my sister's sudden death was not something I actually wanted to do. Without trying to be purposely self-destructive, I didn't consciously want to accept it or move on from it, because doing so meant letting her go, and the fear that I would forget about her. Therefore to write about it, or by association writing about anything at all, was too overwhelming,
Now I'm in a much better place, the solace of writing has presented itself to me again. A new awakening in kink too has meant a revisiting of old feelings that require documentation and debate. So I started writing again, just before Christmas, but not on this blog,
A little confession to make - I've always had another blog, Pollyanna. When I was fairly new in the scene and first writing, I was quite careful about being explicit about D/s and sexual play. Partly because I was shy, but also because I wanted A Painful Awakening to be about processing and reflection and a more rounded portrayal of me, Emma Jane. Pollyanna is in a very different style with little or no introspection. And therefore it was the easier of the two blogs to start writing in first.
Now I'm a lot less shy, and a lot less caring of what people think of me; crafting a public persona of Emma Jane is no longer important, and I'm happy to share Pollyanna's secrets. Not least because I have so many fabulous friends in this scene, who have seen me at my worst and supported me through hell; I've been more raw and exposed through real life pain than any scene could achieve and that's been truly humbling.
Looking back over the year, there's been many changes and notable events, but above all I feel I've reconnected with the people who really matter and have discovered a new kink awakening:
Abel and I are now living together and although we are open and playing with other people, we are not poly.
HH and I have ended our play relationship and discipline dynamic - a mutually beneficial change, but a painful adaption none the less.
We attended Shadow Lane for the first time, and loved seeing so many of our American friends. We are hoping to attend again this year, watch this space!
The Fawcett Hall Regency House Party proved to be as amazing as ever, with a wonderful group of people and some very entertaining moments throughout.
The Kinky Society (KSoc) met regularly throughout the year and makes me very happy to see so many of my scene friends in the one place.
And there's been numerous smaller kink events hosted by us, or our friends, that we've thoroughly enjoyed, as well as enabling us to meet some lovely new friends along the way.
So for the coming year I hope to continue healing in all aspects of my life and enjoy my kinky reawakening. And I also hope to get back to writing and sharing more frequently here and on Pollyanna.
Thank you, and Happy New Year!