Leave me alone

An important part of winding down after a scene is the HUG. It's a way for the top and bottom to reassure each other. To clearly end the scene and get back to reality. Sometimes a brief hug is all that's needed and other times it may be a long hug while both process what's just taken place. Usually there's a chat about the scene too. The great parts, things that maybe didn't go so well, giggling over things that were said etc.

The previous time I played with HH we did such an intense scene that I cried for 20 minutes afterwards. I couldn't talk, I just needed to cry it out. Thankfully he was ok with that and held me until I was ready to chat and do a final hug.

But not every top is comfortable with this. Tops need reassurance too. They need to know that they haven't gone too far, that the scene worked, that the tears are ok, that the tears will stop. So I need to communicate this to new play partners.

I don't cry after every scene and I rarely cry in the scene. But if you push me to an emotional place then I need to work through it. I need time afterwards to deal with what just happened and this does not mean you have done anything wrong. Please be patient with me. Of course it's easier if this is talked about up front and you understand me.

It's a bigger problem when I need to be alone after a scene. As in don't touch me or come near me until I'm ready. It happens very rarely but can be difficult for play partners to deal with. I understand that but don't know how to get over it.

As happened over the weekend with HH. After a long day of play I got a bed time strapping and then a paddling. The strap was thin but wide and it HURT so badly. I cried from the first stroke. Not silent tears either, but noisy gulping cries. I don't know how many I got but enough to be truly sobbing by the time he switched to the wooden paddle.

I couldn't believe anything could be as bad as that strap, but the paddle was 10 times worse. And I gave way to gut wrenching sobs the whole way through it. But it was all good pain. A truly emotional release as he stripped me away. I trusted HH. We both knew this is what I wanted, what I needed.

When he gave me the last stroke, the relief of finishing overwhelmed me. I was hyperventilating, struggling to control my breathing. All I could do was lie on the bench and cry it out.

He knows me well enough not to hurry me. Gently telling me to call him when I needed him he sat on the bed, watching me until I was ready. It's a tough place for a top to be. I know that. He wants to comfort me. He needs to be reassured. But I couldn't go to him until I calmed down, until I could breathe again, until I started to process it.

I would never end the scene without that HUG though. Even if it comes 20 minutes or an hour afterwards. It's too important to forgo. But sometimes directly afterwards, I just need to be left alone.