7 Deadly Sins - Envy

It's not a nice thing to admit to, but I certainly yield to it. Usually I'm so busy trying to hide it, I can make people think I feel the opposite. Until the mask slips and I give up the pretence. Or I've been brushing it aside so long I erupt at the smallest thing, appearing hysterical.

I genuinely dislike myself for feeling it. The rational part of me can reason it all away, but still it's there and it eats you up. It's not a good thing to suffer from in life but especially in this thing we do, where many people are in open play or sexual relationships. Envy can be divisive, ruining friendships and relationships.

Now me, I've been very lucky. For the most part warmly received amongst friends here and in the UK. I play with lots of different people, with the full knowledge and consent of their partners (if there be one). I benefit from overwhelming generosity but often ask myself could I return it?

A friend asked a while back if I was in a committed relationship would I be monogamous? I answered automatically: yes sexually I would be. But yet I wondered afterwards did I really want that? I've never been shy about sex or felt it a was precious thing to be saved. I don't hold out for the one and I don't consider it a big deal to have sex with someone. As long as it's safe and there's good chemistry then anything can happen.

I'm far more cautious emotionally: I believe more in the necessity for and power of an emotional connection. So whether I would be emotionally poly, I doubt I could achieve it, even if I wanted to. My emotions will always be stronger for someone else, my absolute loyalty, trust and love would always have to be with that one person or no-one at all.

Then there's spanking/CP/BDSM monogamous: a whole other ballgame. I can't imagine giving up play with my current play partners, or not having the variety of play that I do. I thought briefly about just limiting myself to the play partners I already have, a compromise per se. But closing down this world feels so wrong. I've spent too long not in this game to limit it like that.

So that's my answer for now then; sexually undecided, emotionally monogamous and open for play. That's ok then, or is it? Because that's just me. I don't know how well I can cope with my partner playing with other people, without me. That's a hard one.

And it's not about trust, maybe it is just a little bit about paranoia but it's mostly about envy. That he/she was having an experience that I couldn't share. An experience that was perhaps great for both of them and one I'll never get to repeat. An irrational thought I know and it's not like I have to worry about this now. Lil miss reason in my head is assuring me it'll all sort itself out if/when the time comes. Still I like to worry ahead; I feel like I'm saving in the long-run.

So that's the anticipated envy I forsee in my future. What I'm currently envious about takes many shapes and forms. I envy such and such that they've found a compatible life partner in the scene. I envy such and such cos they are comfortable with their sexuality. I envy such and such cos they've got a great wardrobe, great hair, are taller than me, are smaller than me, have more money than me, have a better career, they've played an amazing scene, la la la la. I could go on and on.

But the biggest source of envy right now is time and distance. I wish I had more of one and less of the other. I openly envy my friends across the water who can arrange play dates and get togethers at the drop of a hat. I'm jealous that I can't have all the time I want with all the people I want. I stress over spending most trips trying to catch up with everybody and feeling that I've seen nobody. And I hate it when I don't get alone time with people, but hate it just as much when I don't get to see someone on a trip. I can fill my whole day right up with this envy thing.

Still, I doubt I'm the only one committing this deadly sin. In fact I'm pretty sure there's at least one person reading this who's pretty damn envious of me having such a great group of friends to play with, a good job that funds the Ryanair flights back and forth and that I'm healthy and independent enough to take advantage of it all. And that's life, sure as hell the grass is always greener!