If...

Mistress Switch, the organiser and one of the main interrogators of the scene I alluded to in my last post, has given me permission to disclose the details of the interrogation. At this point I make little attempt to analyse my feelings, but to merely recount the scene and how I got through it.

Before you read this please remember that although I was going into the unknown I completely trusted the two main players, Mistress Switch and Mr Evil. (I did not know until after who the others were, but knew they too would be trustworthy and capable). The premise of doing such a scene is to come in with an open mind and see it through to the end. There are no limits and there are no safewords. By entering into it you are giving consent for them to do what it takes to break you.  

All are very experienced people who know what they are doing. Furthermore, there are several of them, all very closely monitoring each participant. I would not do this type of scene with anyone I don't trust 100%. And whilst there are parts of this I never wish to do again, I do not regret a moment of it. I am proud to have survived it. And I am still buzzing from the high!

If you can fill the unforgiving hour,

There were five of us. Three men, only one of whom I knew and my twin, Catherine. Waiting to be transported to our destination, all nervous. Our phones beeped, each given the three pieces of information we we were not to reveal to our interrogators. For the first time I felt optimistic about the scene, I now had a purpose. It was game on.

We finally set off and after a long drive we arrived in the wooded camp. As instructed, got out of our car and  knelt on the ground in a line facing forward, with arms out stretched. They approached us from behind, one captor for each of us. Dropped hoods across our heads and dark goggles across the hoods. Our sight was gone and would not return until the end of this ordeal, some four hours later.

We were led away, one by one and ordered to strip naked. Given a thin paper jumpsuit to wear and ordered to put just one of our shoes on. And finally our wrists were secured tightly behind our backs, in my case with cable ties.

With sixty minutes worth of distance run,

Once restrained I was led to the sound room where various static and white noises played loudly. I was put in a variety of positions, for 15-20 mins at a time. Each uncomfortable and made worse by having only one shoe on, making it impossible to balance the body. I tried to block out the noise but could not, and in the second position could feel myself begin to faint. I'd read about stress positions and sensory deprivation, but nothing prepared me for the reality. I started to buckle out of position, nausea building. One of the captors put me back into position. A few mins later I buckled again.

This time they moved me to kneeling upright on the floor, I swayed from side to side, happy to pass out, hoped it would happen even.

Suddenly grabbed roughly from behind and dragged outside. My heart quickened. But despite my fear the fresh air was welcome and I breathed deeply through my hood. They marched me round the woods, my one bare foot scratching on stones and thistles. Left me to stand alone for a short time then dragged me back down to the main building. Forced my poor bare foot into a bucket of cold water, but I did not flinch. I was already retreating into my self, into my own head. It was lovely there. These people couldn't hurt me there.

Over and over I recited Kipling to myself, it became my main way of coping and as the ordeal wore on I focused on it more and more.

When I was finally let out of the water they lay me face down in the mud. It was lovely and soft and earthy and I was happy to use the two senses they hadn't cut off. I would happily have stayed there for the rest of the night.

Then it was more stress positions, this time outside. One, head on a table, shoulders hunched, knees bent and feet uneven. Again I retreated in side my head, until one of then rapped on the table hard, the impact made me bite my lip in shock. But I made no sound. Because I was not there. I was gone.

Then yours is the earth,

I have no idea how much time passed before I was brought before him, the chief interrogator. Sat on a high stool, my hood and goggles removed, I staring at a the bright light in front of me. Tried, and failed, to see the man behind it.

The questions were easy, but I struggled to answer. I was not there, my conscious had floated away and talking had become an effort.

'What age are you ?'

I wasn't sure, was I 28 or 29, I had a birthday soon my foggy mind reasoned, but then was I 30?

'What are your brothers called?'

Oh yes I told him, I had two brothers didn't I? It took a long time to get their names out. He mentioned my Dad, called him by his name. How did he know that I vaguely wondered? What did my Dad do for a living? My answer made little sense.

Then he asked who was Harry? My conscious became more alert. Harry (my teddy bear) was in my rucksack in the car and I was afraid. What would they to do him? I told him I didn't know any Harry. He asked again and wasn't happy at my refusal to answer.

A plastic bag over my head was my reward. Sealed tight, they then opened and shut it slowly, releasing little whiffs of air. I tried to keep calm, panicky gulps of air were not going to help. The bag came off and he asked again? Asked what was in my rucksack. I named every item except Harry.

When they finished with me I was led back to the edge of the sound room. Made to kneel up, head on a stool. My leg quickly went dead but strangely I found a vaguely comfortable position by sliding my head to the side and then I disappeared again. Bocking out the pain in my leg, the weight of my shoulders, the stiffness in my wrists. It must have been at least half an hour before I was moved. When they lifted me up I promptly fell over, my foot was too dead to feel, to stand on. So they leaned me in a corner, my head dipped in support, until my leg agonisingly came back to feeling.

I had heard little from my fellow captives through the evening, semi aware of them being moved around. Once I heard Catherine fighting back, another time I heard moans of pain from someone in the distance.

Then from beside me came more definite moans of pain, getting louder, until he was told to shut up by one of the captors. I trembled wondering what was next to befall me. ( Later Loki explained his handcuffs had become unbearable.)

All of a sudden the static sound was turned up very loud. Listening to it made me dizzy again so I chanted Kipling aloud. And suffered a bucket of water in consequence, but again I made no sound, I was not there. 

Yours is the earth and everything that is in it,

It felt like a very long time before they came for me. Led me outside. My bare foot felt water on the ground, I could sense several of the captors around me and the terror set in. I knew even before being lifted onto the bench that this was the dreaded water boarding.

I was laid out flat, my head at the edge. A thick, tight fitting hood was placed over my head. I immediately felt claustrophobic. The chief interrogator asked me did I have information for him. I denied it. He pushed me back on the bench, someone sat on my legs, others gripped my arms. I tried to brace myself.

The water started to pour, I held my breath, but eventually my nose and mouth were filled with water, and I struggled desperately to get up. When they released me I was panicking, gulping for air. But my big gulps just made the hood tighter, and I inhaled more water. He ordered me to calm down and  I blurted out the information he needed. But he laughed and told me he hadn't asked for it yet. When they pushed me back I begged and pleaded hysterically to be let go.

The second time was worse, knowing how it would feel in advance. Again I held as long as I could, and again came up screaming and panicking. The third time was just as horrendous. That awful moment when you have to open your mouth and the water consumes you. I thought of all the things I could say to make them stop. And yet there was nothing I knew would work. I have never felt more terrified or helpless in my whole life. Even now I can  feel that fear. On the 4th time he told me if I could stay down as long as he expected me to, if I took it well and didn't fight or struggle he might stop it there.

I held my breath as long as I could, I took the water as long as I could until I jerked my head up. And screamed in terror that it hadn't been long enough, that he'd do it again. Right then I would have given him anything he asked for, even Harry.

(What I didn't find out until later was that I was taking staying down for logner than the others and therefore taking a huge amount of water. All because I was too terrified of him to think of fight back!)

When they let me down they led me shaking and weeping to a tree nearby where I found Catherine and two of the men already there. It had taken two attempts for her to reveal the information and I could not believe her bravery in resisting after the first round of it. We clutched hands, and wet and shivering we listened to the last of our party be broken. When he finally joined us at the tree I had managed to compose myself slightly, was able to extend my hand to him, whispering comfort.

They came for each of us then, once at a time. In my turn I went in terror, praying they wouldn't do anything else. I was broken. I almost fainted with relief when Mr Evil declared that was 'it'. Fell into Mistress Swtich's and my co-captives's arms  in ecstasy at having survived.

And which is more, you will be a man, my son.