Where for art thou kink?

It hasn't been the best start of the year kink wise. A realisation brought into focus by reading Jessica's post today, where the poor sweetie was talking of how she hasn't been well enough to play or even have orgasms over the past fortnight. And while I empathised with her plight, I couldn't help thinking I was having the opposite problem.

I'm not at all in the mood to play. My kink mojo is scarily absent. Too much time amongst the vanillas over the holiday period? The fear that 2010 surely cannot beat 2009 for kinky wonderfulness? Being nervous of the gorgeous but terrifying tawse Abel and Haron got me for Christmas?

Of course not that I've had any opportunities to actually play in the past few weeks. But there's nothing unusual about that and I normally spend the in-between periods thinking of scenes I'd like to play, fantasising about the particular kinky mood I'm in and engaging in prolonged conversations with upcoming playmates about what we'll do. And despite my, ahem, collection of personal toys, none of them have been used lately.

Nor have I been enjoying my kinky reading habit in the same way. I've been reading alright, but not having my normal reactions. Like Adele's 12 Days of Christmas Spanking saga made me feel sorry for her! Eliane's tweets about her new canes had me thinking why on earth did she buy them if she thinks they're so brutal. Then there's Kami and HH's descriptions of a caning in the snow that made me think they were both crazy (despite what HH made me do in the snow not two weeks previously!) Or worst of all reading Abel's wonderful story today and thinking 'oh no, a birching just for throwing a snowball, poor girl!'

Even my own writing is affected. The Secret Saturday 'Secret Places' story came from the mindset I happen to be in right now. The fact it's a dark, almost anti-spanking story, is no coincidence.

All leading me to look ahead to my weekend with HH and think of hugs and nice chats and long walks and not any spanking at all. Obviously he will completely respect how I'm feeling and won't push me to play. But I really hope Emma Jane the brat will shout down moany, whingy Emma Jane and lead to the spanking which just might fix this strange start to the kinky year!

Out of control

There's been a few posts on the issue of control over the past week, from my post on power exchange to Eliane and Indy's interesting comments in response to it and then Eliane's own post on the matter. In that post she writes that even in play she doesn't think she could give up control in the same way I do.

But I have to confess that giving up control isn't easy for me to do either. And it only happens with a few select people that I completely trust and have a certain dynamic with. Even then it's still difficult and doesn't happen every time we play. Which can lead to me being disappointed not to reach that high flying state that deep submission leads me to, even if the scene itself was great.

And sometimes I find myself falling into no-man's land. A place where I seem to be out of control; not fully immersed into the role to be entirely submissive, nor fully in control of myself to be reasonable and rational.

As bad enough as it when I'm playing with one top, when you introduce other tops and bottoms into the mix it really complicates things. I'm beginning to wonder if that state of giving up absolute control can ever really happen in a group scene. I'm too easily distracted or pulled out of my headspace by the actions of others. Actions that are in no way meant to be a distraction but end up being so anyway.

I've long since noticed that my behaviour changes around other bottoms. I'll be more stoic, more silent, more determined not to cry and more frustrated when the pain gets to me. More resistant to being submissive and yet more angry with my failure to be submissive.

And a couple of times now I have found myself getting tremendously angry either during or after a scene. Throwing a strop over the slightest thing, being furious that the play hasn't gone the way I imagined it, lashing out at the nearest person to me.

This always leads to me feeling ashamed afterwards, that I've let people down, guilty I've ruined the scene or upset the other players. And I get annoyed at myself for being so out of control that I can't temper my words or actions.

It's a subject I've been discussing with HH and as usual he always has an answer to make me feel better. His take on it is that a person who endeavours to give up total control to play and submit can't be then expected to exercise control when their emotions take over, or the intensity of the scene gets to them.

I'll concede that it's a fair point but it doesn't make me feel any better when I'm mentally beating myself up over a scene. Although it does help that he and I have agreed how such behaviour should be dealt with to both help me learn the lesson and also forgive myself afterwards. Time out from the scene followed by the conclusion of it. Or else a period of time afterwards to calm down and then being punished severely, as was the case during this particular episode.

But I can't help wishing I could put a stop to it, that I could be in control, even when I'm not.

The Fecking French!

No this is not another Regency post, although we all did professe to hate the French over the weekend too, Napolean was a bit of a pain back then.

And really it's not so much the French, as one man, Thierry the fecker Henry that I'm pissed off at. Not only did he deny our brave lil soccer team from progressing to the World Cup finals through the daylight robbery of a double hand balling, the bastard. Oh no it wasn't enough to dash the hopes of a nation in the depths of recession and a climate that Jesus himself hadn't miracles enough to have improved.

No, not content with all that, the bastard then went and got me spanked. For bad language. In public. In front of young children to be precise. Abel was not pleased to hear me shout 'that fucking, asshole' in the local pub we were having lunch in. Not that Henry the fecker was actually in the pub. No he just appeared on the TV and that was enough. God knows what punishment I'd have gotten if I'd had the chance to punch the asshole.

As it was I got dragged home and led upstairs. A short lecture where I had to agree that one must mind one's language in public, especially when children are present. Even if provoked.

In resignation and with some fear watched as he removed his belt. Without fuss, quietly bent over the bed, knickers down, skirt up as instructed. Struggled through 6 fierce strokes of the belt across my bottom.

Hated that I was being disciplined. Eagerly rushed into his arms for comforting hugs and forgiveness.

Fucking French!

I want...

It's been a long time since I've been beaten, sigh, a full month to be precise. Can't remember the last time I went so long without a fix. Truth be told I know I've been awfully spoiled with play lately. And if the stupid piggy flu hadn't struck I would have got to play with Jessica and HWMBO and The Lover and Bex and Scarlett two weeks ago and that would have been so much fun. But anyway, I promise I'm not still sulking over that..

Anywho this time next week I shall be making my way nervously over to HH for a serious dose of discipline and abuse. I don't know if it's cause I haven't been playing or something else, but my mind is full of dark places right now. Severe beatings, welts, complete humiliation, despair and body wracking sobs are on my agenda.

I want my soul to be stripped bare, want to be reminded why I love and hate the pain and the humiliation. I want to revert to deep places where I have no control and sink into nothingness safe in the knowledge that HH will catch me. I want to have that high that comes from great play and that makes me fly. And I want to come home sore and sorry, played out physically and emotionally.

But what I really want, is what I don't want. And that's something I need, badly.

Getting on top of myself

I've written before how this double life can be hard. Sometimes it gets to me more than others as it all builds up around me. Juggling the kinky stuff and the vanilla stuff and feeling guilty that I always seem to be letting people down.

When I'd rather play a roleplay scene or hang out with my kinky friends than go out clubbing with the vanillas. Or spending all my money on flights to the UK or new play clothes and such than doing other things.

I haven't seen most of my vanilla friends or any of my family in weeks. My weekends have been taken up with lovely kinky activities or recovering from lovely kinky activites. And my weekday evenings taken up with working late. I've been coming home so tired that phone conversations are too hard, both the kinky friends and the vanilla friends.

Blogging is almost beyond me and it seems like I have a never ending list of things to do. Write up the great scenes I did at the weekend before I forget them, reply to all my fetlife messages, and all my emails from friends old and new. Although part of me is afraid to chat to the new people cos if they turn out to be another lovely person then I'll have to mail and call them and try fit in play dates.

And yes I do understand how ungrateful that makes me sound and of course I wouldn't want it any other way. I just feel like I'm letting people down all the time by not being available to talk or email or come visit.

Haron blogged today about trying to decide if she needed a tutor or a guardian to help her focus on her tasks. Sometimes I think I need an authoritarian who will help me prioritise my life, make the difficult decisions for me and take away the guilt. Tell me I can't stay up late and write emails and blog entries. That I can't work until 9 at night. That I can't go to every party I'm invited to, no matter how wonderful it sounds. That I can't skip dinner and have toast cos I can't be bothered cooking.

Someone to take the pressure off, to remind me that that people like me for who I am, not what I can do for them. Beat it into me that the world will keep turning if I take a little step back now and then.

But real life is not a playground and as much as I like to play the little girl, the reality is I'm not one. And even if such a person existed it wouldn't work. I do want to be in control of my own life, I don't really want it to be run for me. I just wish I was better at running it myself and could cut myself some slack sometimes!

Brats, bratting and bratlashing

Jessica has written some posts recently about different types of subs in scenes; brats in particular. It's a very intersting topic and she makes a good point about how brats can ruin group play for everyone else by monopolising a top's attention and never letting up on the bratting or letting anyone else get a look in.

It got me thinking though. Do the brats know that they're annoying? Am I such a brat? Would someone be kind/brave enough to tell me if I was?

It's often very hard to see yourself how other people see you. So how do these brats know that their behaviour is pissing everyone else off? They're having fun and the tops playing with them are having fun too. They don't necessarily stop to think that maybe the other subs/bottoms aren't actually having an equally good time.

I would hate to be thought of as an obnoxious brat, but I know I can be quite the brat at times. And I don't even have to try hard to be that way. It's my natural extroverted personality and it comes across as much in my vanilla life as in my kinky life. When on form I have boundless energy and I don't hold back on anything, nearly always saying whatever comes into my head or acting on sudden impluses. In any scene or situation this usually gives toppy types more than enough excuses to deal with me, should they so wish.

At the same time I hate the thought of making anyone feel uncomfortable and I consider myself very sensitive to other people's feelings. But what if I'm not really? Maybe I'm missing the glares and mutterings and the general 'get off the stage' vibe that's emanating from the rest of the group.

So when I hear other people commenting on how much they dislike brats or how annoying they are, my paranoia kicks in. I can't help but think that I'm exactly the type of person they are talking about.

I am always disgustingly eager to play. I don't have the luxury of playing when I want to, so really look forward to my play opportunities. And in the heat of playing, I'm not necessarily wondering about everyone else. Which yes, is quite selfish, but not at all intentional.

So maybe do the brat a favour and tell them where they are going wrong. Maybe they can learn to tone it down, or maybe they're just not suited to group play. But don't let them ruin everyone else's fun either.