I've written before how this double life can be hard. Sometimes it gets to me more than others as it all builds up around me. Juggling the kinky stuff and the vanilla stuff and feeling guilty that I always seem to be letting people down.
When I'd rather play a roleplay scene or hang out with my kinky friends than go out clubbing with the vanillas. Or spending all my money on flights to the UK or new play clothes and such than doing other things.
I haven't seen most of my vanilla friends or any of my family in weeks. My weekends have been taken up with lovely kinky activities or recovering from lovely kinky activites. And my weekday evenings taken up with working late. I've been coming home so tired that phone conversations are too hard, both the kinky friends and the vanilla friends.
Blogging is almost beyond me and it seems like I have a never ending list of things to do. Write up the great scenes I did at the weekend before I forget them, reply to all my fetlife messages, and all my emails from friends old and new. Although part of me is afraid to chat to the new people cos if they turn out to be another lovely person then I'll have to mail and call them and try fit in play dates.
And yes I do understand how ungrateful that makes me sound and of course I wouldn't want it any other way. I just feel like I'm letting people down all the time by not being available to talk or email or come visit.
Haron blogged today about trying to decide if she needed a tutor or a guardian to help her focus on her tasks. Sometimes I think I need an authoritarian who will help me prioritise my life, make the difficult decisions for me and take away the guilt. Tell me I can't stay up late and write emails and blog entries. That I can't work until 9 at night. That I can't go to every party I'm invited to, no matter how wonderful it sounds. That I can't skip dinner and have toast cos I can't be bothered cooking.
Someone to take the pressure off, to remind me that that people like me for who I am, not what I can do for them. Beat it into me that the world will keep turning if I take a little step back now and then.
But real life is not a playground and as much as I like to play the little girl, the reality is I'm not one. And even if such a person existed it wouldn't work. I do want to be in control of my own life, I don't really want it to be run for me. I just wish I was better at running it myself and could cut myself some slack sometimes!
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6 comments:
Kind of spooky, You posted this about 9.20 but I've only read it now. I have a distinct feeling of d'eja vu.
1) Well, if blogging is really beyond you, I assure you your readers can't tell! and 2) Toast is awesome. Never feel guilty for toast, never!
Hope you find the balance that's right for you - and you're right, you shouldn't be afraid to cut yourself some slack!
I'd need an authoritarian as well.. to make me do things, though. Like learning and getting essays finished on time. :P
Your life definitely sounds like you need to take a step back and relax - good luck for finding a way to deal with that.
I feel the same pressure as a top, and I certainly don't want a tutor or guardian! But I understand the strains - especially, I find that there are times when my kink life feels so important, so core, makes me feel so very alert and alive that I don't want to dive back into all of the real world hassles and responsibilities at all. And then I remember, reluctantly, that the rent has to get paid somehow...
My advice is start by getting your work life sorted. Working to 9pm in my opinion is not something you should ever be expected to do. Should you decide to start coming in 4 hours late every day they would have something to say about it!
Also don't feel guilty about lack of contact. Other people have vanilla things going on too & may not have the time to stay in constant touch. As long we don't let friendships drift away!
I feel like you took the words right out of my head!
However as some one who has been through many disciplinarians... usually they are more hit and miss and stressfull then making it work yourself.
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