Wednesday, July 27

Who am I?

I'm strong
I'm fearless
I'm considerate
...I'm tough-skinned
I'm self-sufficient
I'm independent
I'm not needy
I'm reliable
I'm hard
I'm soft
I'm understanding
I'm sensible
I'm kind
I'm a good friend
I'm tough
I'm a carer
I'm alive
I'm a survivor
I'm Not a Victim
I'm ok

I'm me.

'You Are Not Alone - Personal stories on Surviving the Impact of Addiction published by the Rise Foundation

This poem speaks volumes to me, for more reasons than I want to go into here. But one thing I love about it  is the many personal traits it covers off. We are many things to many people. Do we really know who we are? What we are? How self-aware are we?  In this online age where we are constantly on display, constantly interacting and expressing ourselves, what are we portraying? And why?  Are we able to delineate ourselves so clearly?

In roleplay I see all my characters as separate identities, know their strengths and weaknesses, what makes them tick, where they have come from, what they are afraid of. But I'm not sure I understand my own real self that well; the many facets of me. On Twitter I can lurch from career girl, to whiny-sick girl, to lonely, needy woman, to good friend to bitch, in mere seconds. Is that consciously done?

Is it escapism not to understand real me? Or is it laziness or fear? Through my various roleplay characters am I consciously/sub-consciously learning about myself? Is that enough? And what's actually real and what's not?

I appear to be in a very ponderous mood. Just one question mark short of asking what's it all about really?! Fortunately it's a happy, ponderous mood. Life is getting back on track, and with it my kink is stirring. I've even managed a role play scene. And I've been beaten purely for the pain of it: enjoying the simplest of kinky transactions that felt so beyond me a few weeks ago.

But I can't help but reflect. What have I learned? How have I changed? Who am I?