Monday, June 29

The kinky contradiction

So Lollipop has started reading my blog. (*waves if she's reading this*). But it was after much thought and with some trepidation that I gave her the link. Although I really wanted to know what she thought of my writing (being a professional herself), I was worried about what she might read!

I told her I was kinky when I first got into the public scene last year but had never discussed the specifics with her. She knew I liked to be told what to do and that was as much detail as I gave her! And when describing a play scene I'd use words like 'killed' or 'beaten'. I never talked about spankings or canings or paddlings, afraid of oversharing. And even though she helped me pick my outfits I guessed she didn't know what I was up to. Part of me figured she might be imagining that I was into more extreme stuff than I was (you know hanging from the ceiling by my nipples).

So we discussed it and knowing I had started the blog she admitted to being curious. So I gave her the link, letting her decide, warning her that some of it might be too weird for her. When she got round to reading it she mailed me suggesting coffee and saying the blog has raised lots of questions. Cue panic from me. Had I freaked her out? Did she no longer support my choices? Would she stop being my alibi?

But when we met her main questions were 'does it hurt' and 'do you enjoy it at the time'?

Which made me laugh cos I suddenly got a viewpoint of how we looked to vanillas. So puzzled by what we do that they rationalised it through thinking we might be immune to the pain. So the first question was easy to answer. Yes it bloody hurts. Some things more than others, but it all hurts. But the thing is (for me anyway), there's no point if it doesn't hurt. So that was easy to answer.

But the other question not so easy. Do I enjoy it at the time? Well mostly it's a roleplay scene so I'll generally be so into roleplay and headspace that there's no time to check in on the enjoyment levels. I'm usually scared, worried, apprehensive, sorry, regretful, cowed or sometimes even defiant if the scene calls for it. And I enjoy all those feelings. And I enjoy it even more when it's over, the relief of finishing it and the lovely endorphin rush that goes with it.

But the pain itself I don't actually enjoy at the time. I have asked myself this many times, but I truly don't think I'm a masochist. I don't get off on the pain. Being beaten just for the sake of it is not my thing at all. But I love the feelings created by the use of pain within a scene. I can't have the experience I crave without the headspace of the scene or an element of pain. They don't work in isolation.

And sometimes I like to play at parties or clubs where my ideal headspace is never going to be created. But on those occasions I love the very public act of submitting and surrendering that's conveyed by taking whatever pain I'm given.

So it's very contradictory and quite hard to explain to a vanilla. I don't enjoy it, but I do.


9 comments:

Eliane said...

Ah, the does it hurt question. That's baffled several of my vanilla friends, who know I don't like pain.
"But you HATE pain"
"I know"
"So you've changed your mind"
"Nope, still hate pain"
"So why do you do it?!"
"Um...."
Amazingly, one friend who I thought would have a harder time than most wrapping her head round got it straight away.
"It's not about the pain, is it, it's about being controlled." A simplistic explanation, but pretty damn good nonetheless. Give a gold star to that girl!

MecIrlandais said...

Hello to Lollipop!

Regarding the question "Do we enjoy it at the time/" I would say it depends on teh pain level. If I am approaching or testing my limits then no, it's about trying your best to take it. But with a spanking or not so hard tawsing or caning then I would say yes, I do enjoy the pain at the time!

Good to have a 'vanilla' around here me thinks, an interesting perspective & something I hope EJ lets us know more about!

Kami Robertson said...

Though I'm usually in roleplay headspace when I play too, there is always part of me that thrives on pain. My mind concentrates on pain, it helps me take it and liberates me.

I used to regret that I can't say as so many other girls do, that they don't like when its happening but the after-thing. I *like* when its happening.

And Emma, I'm envious you have such a curious, tolerant friend. My vanilla friends tolerate it, ask every now and then what I'm up to, but the truth is they don't want to know any details or try to understand.
Min sharing your Lollipop? LOL Or perhaps know where to find a one? ;)

Jessica said...

Oh lord, this is a difficult one.

Does it hurt? Yes
Do I like the hurt? Sometimes.
What if it really really hurts? Then no.
Why is some pain good and some pain bad? I don't know.
Sigh. I'm never going to be asked to be a talking head on Newsnight!

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone, it's Lollipop! (And reading this blog I now know why we had such a long conversation about semi-colon usage EJ!)
So is it a bit like going for a run? In that most people don't enjoy the running bit, but do enjoy having gone for it!
Or can someone else explain a little better? I'm curious, but not being into pain in the bedroom (unless it's a necessary evil like waxing or some such) I need simplistic everyday comparisons I'm afraid!

Looking forward to getting to know some of you better in the future (but if anyone comes after me with a paddle or anything similar I'll wrest it from you and whack you over the head with it faster than you can say the word kinky!)

Lollipop

EmmaJane said...

@Eliane, for me it's not just about being controlled. I need a certan amount of pain too.

@Jessica, I agree, it's almost too hard to explain. I like some pain, but not all.

@Mec/Kami, I'm very glad you like hearing from Lollipop, I hope to convince her to chip in more often!

@Lollipop, welcome to the blog!!!!
I think the runnin analogy works well. And the faster and longer you run the more the more it hurts, but the greater the reward :)

Eliane said...

Hi Lollipop :-)
Yes, I think the running analogy is a good one - as you can vary that, some people, like EmmaJane, and Jessica, will enjoy at least part of the run, and have that elation when they've finished. I may not enjoy any part of it, but still feel a high when I've finished and acheived my goal.
For me, and lots of others, there's also the element that generally, if I don't want to go for a run, I won't, and if anyone told me to I would tell them to **** off. However, when you are, um, strong willed like me (and EJ, and Jessica!) it's also very hot to be made to go for that run.
Hope that helps... probably not!
Eliane
x

MecIrlandais said...

Hello Lollipop. The running analogy works but not quite the way you described more the way Elaine put it, for me anyway.

Though this is also confusing as it like running but only up until a point, for example the marathon is harder than any scene I have ever done. No scene will put me in bed for 3 days!

Kami Robertson said...

Hi Lollipop,
I pretty sure that each of us, sick girl would give a little bit different explanation. But I think it all comes down to the whole 'rush thing' whether its in the middle or afterwards. I personally can't compare it the feeling to any other activity I ever tried - simply because nothing else can give me that kind of feeling. You can arguee whether it's physical or mental thing. It's probably both.
The running analogy does work well (from physiological point of view in both cases the euphoria is caused by the same substance in the body - endorphins), but for, and probably a lot of players/bottoms it's usually much stronger (both the pain and the reward)

Nowadays I think I would just go crazy without being able to indulge myself in pain/roleplay/spanking (not necessary in that order ;) )

I truly, truly admire the fact you do want to understand what goes through the mind of Emma and all that. It's good to know that not every vanilla person (no offence ;) ) thinks we are crazy and mental ;) And I always insist that if someone expresses even a bit of curiosity he/she is no longer vanilla! ;) Promise, won't chanse you with paddle (they are to have for tiny little me to run with them ;) )