Saturday, December 4

Back before the Court

I was summoned before the court again, and was even more petrified this time. I hadn't considered in advance whether having been there before would make it better or worse this time. Better maybe, as I knew I could survive. Worse though, because I knew what was in store. With the previous experience I thought I knew how much it was going to hurt., thought I could circumvent their mind games.

I underestimated both.

They started freaking me out early on, tweets from various people about how much trouble I was in, the court summons emphasising the seriousness of a repeat offence, the mails from the Judge (out of role) asking me was I sure I was up for it, that Ms Switch was determined to make an example of me.

With the hassle over flights and the uncertainty of whether it would go ahead or not,  it wasn't until lunch-time on the day that it really hit home. I shriveled up into myself when reality dawned, as Abel who accompanied me will bear witness to. (He plans to write up his perspective on SW soon). They were going to hurt me, hurt me a lot. Not damage me of course, but certainly hurt me.

And for all my worrying and fretting it actually  turned out to be far worse than I could have imagined. I have never felt pain like it before. I honestly don't know how I got through it. Nor do I know what drives me to put myself through such an ordeal. Right now I am certain couldn't do it again. But knowing me as I do, I'm also sure I shall very likely do it again.

Before you read any further, note that this was a severe scene and the pictures at the bottom are testament to that. It's not everyone's cup of tea. I have no idea what motivates me to do something like this. But I wouldn't do it unless I trusted my play partners explicitly. Trusted them to be 100% accurate and to leave no lasting damage. As you can see all their marks are exactly on my lower bottom, which is my play zone. Whilst today I am slightly grazed and sitting very uncomfortably the marks will fade and in a few weeks I'll be playing again. And despite their evilness in the scene, I was much cuddled and fussed over afterwards and am flying high today!

Abel escorted me to court, my guardian and court representative. On arrival I was handcuffed and led to a cell to wallow in the misery of what was to come. When I was finally brought before the Judge he immediately pronounced me guilty. Abel could only plead for leniency in the sentence. There was none. I was a repeat offender and they were determined to teach me a lesson once and for all. The Judge spoke at length about how my last punishment could not have been efficacious enough as I seemed to have borne it too well, and had been too soon forgotten given that I was in trouble again already.

He sentenced me to two sets of 30 seconds with the spray birch and 24 strokes with the cane. As he discharged the court officials to their duty he ordered that they should not hold back, that I was to be made to repent, that he wanted to hear me cry out. On hearing this I started to cry with fear, sick to the bottom of my stomach,

As they strapped me in, I tried to focus, to draw some strength, to encourage the adrenalin to course through me. Ms Switch lifted the birch, the countdown wound to 0 and so it began. The birch builds and burns to an unbearable level, and I was soon in agony. This time I felt the individual strokes were harder, and afterwards it turned out there were actually a few less than last time as they concentrated in a more forceful impact. The first 30 seconds amounted to 53, and the last 10 seconds felt twice as long as the the first 20. But I clung on to not making a sound, erupting in noisy gulping sobs when it was done.  I struggled to compose myself, barely able to drink the water offered to me.

And then it was the turn of Mr Allen, just as hard but managing to get in a few more strokes, 61.  It was harder to hold on to my silence this time, as the intensity became too much, but I did, just about. Once more convulsed as the birching ended.

I took strength from that minor victory,knew it would be the only one that day,

The remnants of the birch were brushed from my raw bottom and then it was time for the cane. I only got a brief glimpse of the implement before we started. Later, I would appreciate that it was long and thick, almost Singaporean. Ms Switch's favorite apparently and one she used expertly, raising it behind her shoulder and bringing her full body behind it, making the impact drive through my bottom each time.

The first stroke was horrendous and I panicked. Absolutely no way I could take 23 more. I cried out in pain and despair. It was beyond what I could endure. The second was the same, cue more cries. And so on it went, with each stroke landing viciously whilst I was stunned in disbelief that anything could hurt so much. Feeling utter terror at the prospect of so many more to go, questioning my sanity to put myself through this.

At number 6, a particularly brutal one I gave way to my feelings, a blood curdling scream lasting a full 10 seconds. Full of pain, anger and despair. A brief respite then she lifted her cane again, pronouncing 18 more and that I'd better try to suck in the pain.

I did try. Some I bit back, others I gulped back and muffled my sobs with a pitiful 'oh', but most made me cry out loudly. I clung to getting to 12 and Mr Allen taking over. Have no idea why I thought it would be any better with him but I hoped it couldn't be worse.

When Ms Switch took up the cane again for 13 I died inside. I had nothing, no strength, no bravery, no adrenalin. I was done in. And still the strokes continued, all severe all unbearable, yet some more even harsher than others. Struggling so hard to deal with the pain, I managed to wrench my wrists free from the straps. My hands were numb and I was shaking. I couldn't take the last 8.

For a brief moment I had the hope they would stop, but no. I was permitted to keep my hands free, with my legs and bottom still securely fastened. Now with each stroke they had the pleasure of my head flinging back in pain. My red face and swollen eyes visible in the mirror for the watching Judge and my Abel. I vaguely wondered what they thought of this spectacle. Were they worried, nervous, pleased, sombre?

The one mercy shown to me was the last 4 were delivered relatively quickly. At 23, and only at 23, did I finally believe I could make it through.

When the last landed I struggled to breathe and lay face down gulping the air and praying there would be no extras. Dazed, disorientated, drained. But I had survived. And today I am flying. There is nothing I cannot do, there is nothing that can hurt me. I am free.

Directly afterwards. (The bruises at the top and on the left thigh were there already)

Bedtime that night


Abel1234 said...

So hard to read, so powerful and so frank. You were amazingly brave; it was so hard to watch, and I was so full of admiration for you for taking such an astounding punishment with such courage.

Eliane said...

On one level I really don't understand this, as I couldn't ever contemplate playing that severely, but I know without a doubt that it works for you and I admire your courage in going through with it again, having some inkling of what it would be like this time!

Pandora Blake said...

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I can understand the mentality between playing this hard but, again, interesting the ways we differ - for me this would either be an act of extreme submission, a gift to someone I loved body and soul, or a more permanent performance, recorded on camera to create a lasting piece of art. The idea of going through it with friends, for yourself, for the sake of the day's experience only doesn't make much sense to me. But I don't half respect you for it!

Mistress Andi Switch said...

Quote Pandora Blake "The idea of going through it with friends, for yourself, for the sake of the day's experience only doesn't make much sense to me. But I don't half respect you for it!"

Personally, each to their own. To me it makes a lot of sense.

Do we not wish to play as adults, push ourselves further and further to see where we end up and just what we can take. The head fuck of a stranger, the role play.

I can so relate to EJ.

For me EJ is the VERY BEST person I have EVER played with. She is a genuine enthusiast, reacts so beautifully and is such a cutie. I have must respect and admiration for her and anyone who enters into role play with her at whatever level, is in for a real treat.

I look forward to terrifying you again in the not too distant future sweetie.


Ernest said...

Wow! What an experience! I salute your courage! The idea is wonderful - though I know I'm never likely to do that much in real life!

You speak of this as the second time - is there an account of the previous time somewhere in your archives? Could you tell us a date so we can look it up?


Nimue said...

I've come to your account of the event after reading Abel's side of things, and once again I've got a mixture of feelings.... the same ones I always do when reading about judicial punishments.
Wanting to try it for myself, knowing that I couldn't handle the pain, and extreme respect for people like you who do this.

Pandora's comments have left me thinking as well, but I will take that over to my own blog as I dont want to clog up your comments with too much of my ramblings.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on what was obviously a very powerful experience for you

Pandora Blake said...

Thanks for your reply, Mistress Switch. Clearly it makes sense to those who choose to participate, and I have no doubt that E-J gets huge amounts out of these experiences. We've had discussions in the past about the ways in which our kinks are tantalisingly similar and yet crucially different in mentality, and I was just commenting on the fact that this seemed to be one of them. It takes all sorts to make a world and I find the differing psychologies of our kink endlessly fascinating.

As I said, I have an enormous amount of respect for E-J for having the strength and courage to seek out this intensity of experience.

Kaelah said...

@ Emma Jane:

Thanks for sharing such an intense experience with your readers! I'm glad to read that this severe scene worked so well for you and that you were flying afterwards. :-)

@ Pandora and Mistress Switch:

Your comments made me think a lot. Like Pandora, I would only do such a severe scene for a film and for my mate Ludwig.

And I guess the reason is quite simple: I don't get as much out of a severe scene itself as for example Emma Jane does. I'm not too happy about the amount of (of course not permanent) damage these severe scenes produce and I'm not a person who flies after a severe scene. In addition to that I can only enjoy a severe scene at all afterwards if I managed to show only the most restrained reactions. For me severe scenes only work if I feel brave and in control during the scene as well, surviving is not enough (like I can't enjoy „surviving“ watching horror films, I assume that this is an INTJ thing...). So, I take a rather high risk of making a negative experience when subjecting myself to a very severe spanking. And that's why I wouldn't do very severe scenes often and why I need additional positive factors which make the overall outcome postive as well.

When I decided to do a very severe 50 strokes caning with my partner Ludwig we embedded it into a documentary about how such a severe scene feels for a first-time participant who isn't really into that degree of severity. That was something I wanted to do very much for the blog and it made the prospect of that caning much more appealing to me. In addition to that it was a special present for Ludwig who is into severe spanking films and it was something I wanted to do for my own self-confidence. And in that special combination I really got a positive outcome from the scene, although the prospect of such a severe caning didn't really fit to my core kink in the first place.

I think maybe that's the point. From Emma Jane's description it seems to me like she got a lot out of the scene itself. It seemed to fit very well to her core kink. Which explains to me why she doesn't need any special reason or additional incentive to subject herself to such a very severe spanking. In contrast to that, I think those of us who want to do a severe scene out of competitiveness or whatever reason, but know that playing that hard isn't really a part of their core kink, need some additional positive outcome in order to take the plunge.

catherine said...

I understand.

I'm so, so jealous. Not just of the experience itself, but of what you were able to make of it, to go so deep. I can't do that at the moment, and maybe never will - too much armour - but to be able to play like that must be awesome.

Love you xxx

Mistress Andi Switch said...

Hi EJ,

I think my fondness of you and how you play is you remind me of myself and how I play as a bottom.

I'm enjoying not having a blog and my keeping most of my goings on offline :-) BUT I am hijacking yours right now, I wont stay for long promise.

Keelah - the bottom should ALWAYS be in control contrary to what most tops believe. This is after all, consenting adults at play.

The only incentive EJ needed was to satisfy her own wants and needs, not to show the world what she is capable of on film or to receive monetary reward

She is a genuine player, wishing to explore as stated in her profile above on her blog "So come laugh and cry with me as I figure it all out. Go on, I dare ya!"

As for severity, that's my core kink and as has been said, each to there own but I like most and EJ can and do enjoy the lighter more humorous lighter side of CP.

THANK YOU for a SUPER WRITE UP EJ and for allowing me to have a say on here xxxx

Kaelah said...

@ Mistress Switch:

I'm not sure whether you understood my comment the way I meant it.

First of all, I would like to point out that my partner Ludwig and I are genuine kinksters as well. The video clips we make together (or with friends like Pandora Blake or Leia-Ann Woods) are free. We neither get any money from the clips nor from the blog. We do it all simply because we are spankos and because we also enjoy the creative process of making videos.

So I don't know what your remark about monetary reward was supposed to mean. If you meant to insinuate that I make videos for money, you are mistaken.

Furthermore, about that hard scene I did with Ludwig: Of course I was in control the whole time! That was a very important part of the scene. The clip was my idea because I had discovered that there were a lot of people like me who were scared by watching hard scenes on film, and I wanted to share my experience of how it actually feels like with them. Ludwig would never ever force me into a scene like that and of course I could also have stopped the caning every second, just using the simple word "stop".

So, again, there is no need for you to lecture me on how "the bottom should ALWAYS be in control". That has always been my (and Ludwig's) philosophy as well.

All I wanted to say with my original comment is that even someone like me who isn't genuinely into severe scenes might do one once or twice in their lives under special circumstances. Maybe the word “incentive” was misleading in this context (I'm not a native speaker). I wasn't talking about incentives given to me from someone else in order to make me do something I don't want to do. I was talking about creating a scenario that suited my needs and wants and allowed me to get more out of doing that one severe scene than I would have if it had not been recorded as a "documentary" on video.

I wanted to do that one severe scene to satisfy my curiosity about how such a full-force caning feels like and to see whether I could take it with a certain degree of grace. But in addition to that, what really made the scene appealing for me was the idea of satisfying my creative kink as well, by embedding the scene into a clip and by creating a piece of art that my mate Ludwig (being a film-buff) would enjoy as well.

I don't see why this should be any less worthwhile than someone doing a severe scene simply to satisfy their own wants and needs in private play, like Emma Jane. But perhaps that is not what you meant to say.

Last but not least: Of course I'm aware that Emma Jane is into lighter scenes as well. Since I had the privilege to meet her personally at Haron's birthday party one year ago, I've been following her blog regularly. I'm also aware that people who are into severity often enjoy light play as well, because this is true for my own partner Ludwig.

I hope I was able to clarify some possible misunderstandings. I definitely haven't got anything against people whose core kink involves a certain level of severity (otherwise I wouldn't be in love with Ludwig). As you said, each to their own. Actually, I like the fact that the people in our community are different. It makes the world more interesting.

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gary said...

Love reading your accounts of your judicial punishments,gives me an idea of what it will be like today[monday]as a lady is going to strap me down securely over her whipping bench,gag me,and give my bare buttocks a severe thrashing with the birch.I am getting a little scared now,but do hope i can take it with the fortitude you obviously have shown;gary.

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