Thursday, February 24


Apologies for the radio silence. It's been a busy few weeks. After the interrogation scene I had a wonderful week in the UK catching up with friends and enjoying lots of treats and parties.

Asides from that, and the vanilla activities which have also been keeping me busy, I haven't actually felt like blogging. I've come to accept that and to not panic when I can't make myself write. Partly it was because I was still processing the big scene. Right now I look back at it and think 'wow can't believe I did that'. Even have to think a little bit harder to capture those feelings of terror formed on the night.

After the scene I was as high as a kite. It was the middle of the night and we had a long drive back to London so after a brief time going over the scene we had to split up and head back. Cath and I passed the time chatting excitedly and texting Abel who hadn't been able to sleep until he'd heard from us.

Once back in London we crashed out for a few hours sleep, exhaustion getting the better of the adrenalin. The next morning I crashed immediately. I had woken before Cath and lay replaying the scene over, inspecting the bruises and marks, thinking the fear through. I needed her to wake up, to talk, to relive it. But even then that wasn't enough. I knew I'd see Abel later that day but I  had to call HH, the only other person I've gone to places that dark with.

I told him every detail, of how scared I was, how horrible it had been and I cried for the first time. At that moment I would have given anything to be able to hug him, and he felt the same. How hard it was for him to hear my ordeal but not be able to check for himself that I was OK.

Mistress Switch commented on the original post about the importance of aftercare, and being looked after emotionally after such a massive scene. Unfortunately I hadn 't appreciated how much I'd be affected and had a whole weekend of events planned .

So I wasn't free to go back and meet the interrogators and the other victims over the weekend. And this was something I badly needed; I needed to come down with the same people I have gone up with. Luckily I was with very close friends however, who were wonderfully understanding and supportive. Like Jessica and Scarlett and Haron who generously let me talk at length about the scene. And of course I had Cath to bounce off and Mistress Switch checking in regularly. Not to mention my dear Abel to provide hugs and support and try not to fuss me to death ;-) 

And I had my blog. It has become a really important step in processing deep scenes and in this case was much needed. I felt better once I'd expunged it all from my mind, didn't have to cling onto all the details so tightly, could let them start to fade naturally.

Between all the lovely people I was nicely distracted, hanging out with Jessica and the menage, an evening of adult kinky fun at Mr Jenkin's bordello and preparing for the Fawcett Hall Speakeasy on the Saturday which was a really fun party.

But I had a little breakdown Saturday night, when I came face to face with  Mr Allen and Ms Stoker. Two former victims (and in Mr Allen's case interrogator) they knew exactly where my head was at and provided much needed emotional support. We talked at length about the scene, my concerns and how I was feeling. Then Mr Allen gave me a deliciously hard strapping that let me cry out my release.

A day of chill with my darling Eliane on the Sunday meant I was almost completely restored Sunday evening. And my final act of processing was to email Mr Evil and Mistress Switch with my queries on the scene. The why and when and what happened over the night.

Sometimes when I'm droppy I feel negative about things and in this case I was worried that whilst I had such an amazing experience what had they got out of playing with me? I hadn't fought back, should I have? Was it boring for the interrogators dealing with me when I spaced out? Why did I get more cycles of water, did they not think they had broken me? All of which seem funny now, the whole idea of wondering whether I was a good enough water boarding victim! I was firmly reassured on all counts! And when we met for drinks mid week the final stage of processing was complete as we all laughed and teased each other as equals, interrogators vs victims no more.

Thank you all who made the experience what it was and those who picked me up afterwards, including all the comments on the blog. I am privileged to know such wonderful people.


Abel1234 said...

It was lovely to see how many people care so much about you, as they each tried to make sure you were OK and that you were able to process the scene. And personally, holding you when you got home on the Friday and listening as you read to me from your "If..." blog entry was just so incredibly intense. (LOL although I probably needed those hugs as much as you!)

With the benefit of hindsight, the timing, as you say, wasn't ideal. I really wished that all the other stuff that was going on in the days afterwards - a pretty non-stop schedule for you - hadn't been happening that weekend, and that you could have met up instead with the people who'd been involved with the scene. Those of us who hadn't been there were inevitably limited in how much we could help you to process.

And I so relate to what you say about blogging being an incredibly helpful way to record and process one's own thoughts.


Kaelah said...

I'm glad to hear that you've been able to process the experience and that you are feeling alright, Emma Jane! :-) I'm sure that the aftercare is very important after such an intense scene, maybe not only for the "victims" but for the "interrogators" as well. At least that's what came to my mind when I read Leia-Ann's post about her thoughts after the experience!

Rayne said...

Thank you so much for sharing, EJ *warm fuzzies* it is always wonderful to hear about your experiences, both during your anticipation beforehand and while you process afterward :)

The immediate processing you go through when writing soon after the scene is quite intense to read, but also hearing from you a little later in the process presents an invaluable perspective :) Thank you again! And much luck to you for future endeavors!