Thursday, March 31

The cycle of kink

I'm feeling in a dark place, play wise. I want to be mentally and physically abused. Objectified and demeaned. Made to feel worthless. Made to cry in shame at my nothingness. But I'm not concerned about it. I'm embracing it. I'm enjoying it. I know it's just part of the cycle.

Because my penchant for certain play does move in a cycle. One that has no rhyme or rhythm but a pattern all of its own. I have learned to appreciate and accept the cycle. Not to force an appetite for a different type of play.

The intervening periods are of indeterminable lengths, often overlapping. There are times when I primarily want to play hard, when I want only loving, gentle play, when I want dark abusive scenes or light hearted fun scenes. There's even the part where I don't want to play at all and I am powerless to overcome it.

Sometimes the cycles vary with the person. Whilst blogging about our lovely hockey captain scene Abel talked about how less and less we do dark scenes together, preferring softer more comforting scenes. That's our cycle for now, but it can change too. It wasn't always so.

Towards the middle to the end of last year it was all about hard play for me. I did two severe JCP scenes and lots of private play at a hard level. I buzzed with the adrenalin of it all. Flying high on a wave of pain and endorphins and survival. I couldn't get enough.

But there was only so much of that play that I could sustain. I took a long time to heal from my December JCP, physically and mentally. Even after the visible marks on my bottom had disappeared I could still feel the impact deep down. And on playing I marked much more easily, felt the pain go deep. Fancied that my right crease was more tender, was concerned that I wouldn't fully heal.

Then there was the mental healing. It's very terrifying to put yourself in a position where someone can inflict that much pain. As I've blogged my control freak gets quite upset when I put myself into such situations. And after December's JCP she got her own back, albeit temporarily. I haven't wanted to repeat such a scene. I haven't wanted to feel that stomach churning, palor inducing fear of knowing that a world of unimaginable pain is going to descend and that you can't (won't!) stop it. 

At the Spanking Writers party a few weeks ago I played harder and longer than I had in months.I got that flying through pain and endurance feeling again, although on a much lower scale. It was very reassuring I still enjoyed it. And hearing Catherine talk of her recent JCP I feel my interest stirring in such a scene again. Although I shan't be signing up for over 300 strokes with a manx birch like my darling (but mad!) twin.

The current dominant mood is the need to be shamed and it's being well indulged. Apart from Claudia who was shamed to tears there's been several other such characters. And a very recent scene with Abel and HH (blogged here on Spanking Writers) made me want to die. Very unusually it affected me both in and out of character.

I was a school girl made to work as an escort to pay off her guardian's debts. The gentlemen running the agency made poor Charlotte take a series of increasingly embarrassing and lewd photos for their website. From partly dressed to legs spread wide, to naked on all fours, to being spanked and caned on film. I thought the humiliation couldn't get any worse than having to walk around with a butt plug deep inside me while they photographed my red face and tearful eyes.

Yet when Abel calmly bent me over the bed and fucked me, as HH silently watched I was humiliated beyond anything I'd ever experienced before. Understandably from Charlotte's perspective because she was so violated. But even more so personally, for me Emma Jane. To be so objectified by the two men I am closest to in my life. To be so used by one in front of the other. Both dispassionately making nothing of me. It was very hard to bear, and the tears I cried were barely in role, it was me Emma Jane that was completely humiliated.

Still I haven't had my fill of this shame business just yet. Remind me to tell you about Natalie next week, a poor prefect that falls out of favour with her Housemaster. I dread to think what HH has in store but i'll be delicously dark.


Haron said...

The kink does indeed come in cycles, doesn't it? As long as you have people to indulge you in whatever mood you're in, you're all set :)

Eliane said...

Interesting. I've never really thought about it, but yes, my play very much comes in cycles as well. Though my cycles probably aren't quite as dramatic as yours!

Abel1234 said...

As ever, this is an amazing post - revealing in its discussion of your kink, as well as (for me) incredibly hot in parts. I'm fascinated by the play "cycles"; actually, perhaps, that's a good thing in terms of maintaining variety and making partners continually respond to each other's needs as they change, evolve, rotate.

The Charlotte scene was as intense as anything I've ever done. "Making nothing of" you in the scene, in terms of how we made Charlotte (and hence you, EJ) feel as it happened. But making *everything* of you too - in the sense of doing what we did precisely because we knew how intense it would be for you, even though it pushed boundaries. I couldn't have done that scene with anyone other than you and HH (and even then it took a fair amount of discussion with HH, as we danced around what we might each be comfortable with, before we were sure that we were going to do what we did).


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with us. My feelings run as deep like yours, to be humiliated to a base human level. My scenes are different, but the catharctic result is similar.

Rebecca said...

Totally understand what you're getting - it's interesting how at different times, with different people we find ourselves drawn to playing in different ways. I think it's probably very healthy - and keeps it fresh - it would be boring to do the same thing all the time!