Thursday, May 19

Repulsed by my kink

This should have been the post about Caoilfhionn's Lowewood Boarding School experience. About how many housepoints she won and lost, how the netball went, how mean the teachers were and just how much of a pain it was to sheep dog the new girl Ellie.

But as immersive as I like to get in my roleplay I couldn't escape real life and my weekend abruptly came to an end after breakfast on Saturday morning. News of the worst kind: a sudden and tragic family bereavement. There I knelt, dressed neatly in my uniform (tie perfectly knotted, white knee socks pulled tight and my Byron badge proudly displayed) on the phone, first to my sister, then my Dad. The news was compounded by the fact that my family had been trying to contact me since Friday afternoon, but in my immersive state I hadn't been checking my phone.

Catching sight of myself in my uniform I was almost sick. For the first time feeling ridiculous to be a 29 year-old dressed as a school girl. How weird was I? Just what did I think I was doing? Wrenching my tie off I flung it on the floor in anger and disgust. From below I could hear girlish laughter as the others made their way to assembly and felt disorientated. It all felt so wrong. What were they all doing?

I won't bore you with the details of hastily arranged flights, many tears and hugs and packing in a daze. But as I visited each classroom to bid everyone farewell, now in jeans and t-shirt, I continued to feel alienated and disorientated. Looking at rooms of school girls attentively listening to their teacher. I wanted to laugh at the craziness of it all. Wanted to ask them did they not feel as stupid as I had felt earlier. In relief I escaped from the 'school', not at all bothered that one of my favourite kinky roleplays was now repulsing me

Nor was it just the about the Boarding School. On Saturday night, back home in Ireland I started getting flashbacks to the water boarding I went through. The lack of control and sheer terror was as potent as it was at the real event. I questioned why the hell I went out of my way feel such depths of despair and misery when real life could do it so easily.

And as our parish priest led us in the rosary at the wake, my grandmother leaning on my arm for support I felt another kind of revulsion; self hatred for daring to ever try to play a Catholic scene.

Looking back on it all now I know it was an extreme reaction to the circumstances. I'm still kinky. The same roleplays still work for me. And they work because being taken to 'role played' depths of misery and despair is a safe place that I can come back from. The nightmare ends with the fantasy. Reality isn't a easy to shake off.

But although I understand it and accept it, I still feel frightened to have felt such strong abhorrence. To feel that way about a part of my life I have been actively embracing for the past 2 years. When I next group role play will I feel the same unease? Can I do immersive roleplay again without checking my phone every hour? Will I freak out?

I don't have answers to my own questions, but I will find out; slowly and carefully with my  most trusted play partners. I can't make reality go away but I hope to escape to my fantasies. To embrace my kink again without any revulsion.


Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post despite its terrible pain. You express yourself perfectly which is no small gift in the situation you are in.
I want to tell you I understand and I do. I have had a jarring time like yours, not as jarring because yours was acute and extreme. I am so sorry that happened.
I won't tell you how I found my way home to myself because your way will be different. I think it will be painful, wonderful and deep. I know you have people around you who care deeply for you and reading your words I understand why that is.

Master Retep said...

Oh how eloquently expressed. The tumbling down of the barrier we keep between fantasy and fear. You have exposed how thin a membrane it is, and how the thinner, the edgier. I feel for you but am so appreciative that you share the experience for our benefit. I would never have wished that on you, or anyone, but thank you for providing a lesson from it that we can all relate to.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I hope your loved one is at peace. My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time in your life.

Scarlett said...

Oh EJ.

I'd like to say that I 'get' where you're coming from, but I don't think that those normal 'what am I doing?' moments compare to the feeling that you have now.

I guess it's a sense of association- the role play obviously had nothing to do with what happened, but just like everyone remembers where they were on 9/11, where you are when these things hit is hugely important.

Had you been away with vanilla people at a vanilla event you probably wouldn't have been checking your phone- we all have times when we can't get signal. It's such a normal part of bereavement to try and assume blame or responsibility, to look for personal fault. But that's not what the person who you lost would have wanted for you.

Some time out seems sensible, and having just moved to London must feel pretty awful timing. But the hardest part for you is that life goes on, and you have to keep living, which for someone with such a passion and gift for being alive, like you, is a huge thing. For what it's worth I think it's powerful that you're not turning to headspace to try to forget or get away from this, but living through the pain. It's a testament to your strength of character.

I hope that the people around you will be strong for you. As much as time away from kinky activities might be what you need, don't forget that you can still lean on us. We might have met because of kink but our friendship is not limited to that arena.

So much love.

Anonymous said...

We all felt for you... there was an air at school, for your loss, and, less importantly, ours, for losing not just you from the weekend, but Gemima as well.
It is hard to express, but we all hurt for you, not your school character, not the kinky brat we all love playing with, but you.
I kind of understand your 'repulsion' at the scene at that time, but there were real people there - and every single one of us wished we could have done more for you..


Abel1234 said...

Sending you the very tightest of hugs... This is so raw, and not surprisingly after such a tragic week. Incredibly hard as it is to read and re-read, thank you for sharing your emotions: this is an amazingly brave post.

I doubt anyone can answer the questions you struggle with yourself, but you know that support and love is on hand for you as you wrestle with them.

The school did feel absurd, after seeing what you were going through: the real world was just too real for the pretence of roleplay to feel anything other than, frankly, ridiculous to me.

Yet kinky people don't have to feel kinky all the time; inevitably, there are times when real life dominates. And, much as connecting with those still playing was impossible, I observed - as an outsider looking back in from the real world - their sheer enjoyment of the event: good emotions, deriving happiness and comfort from their shared kink and the friendships they'd made through it. Those are positive things; those are things that I hope you'll be able to re-embrace at the right time, in the right way, with the right people.

May I offer a thought on the delay in hearing from home, given you were away and so immersed? Countless people go away for weekends with friends, and lose themselves in their company; they find themselves out of mobile contact in remote places too. That you were away for kinky reasons makes it so hard for you to bear, but perhaps your kink isn't to blame - and perhaps guilt isn't necessary at all, much as it's so hard not to feel it. We can't control where we are when the saddest news breaks; but perhaps we can't be glued to our phones waiting, dreading to hear it. I don't know if that helps; I'm not sure anything can.

The next roleplay with each of your partners will be so hard: losing yourself in a character, in their character, incredibly challenging. The next group scene will inevitably be as tough as tough can be. I can only hug you and hope that you will find the strength to re-embrace something that brings you so much.

Yet never doubt for a moment that you are loved as you; your kink is incidental to how wonderful a person you are, and you bring happiness to people quite independently of sharing their kink.

Embracing *you*, tightly, with love xxx

Anonymous said...

I have no doubt that you will find your way back with the help of your friends and loved ones. You are strong and smart and cheeky and capable. It may be difficult, but, as Poppy said, it will be *your* way.

Big hugs,


Caroline Grey said...

Dear heart.

I am so sorry for everything you've been through. I've been thinking of you with much love.

What you describe makes perfect sense to me. The cognitive dissonance of that moment must have been excruciating. It breaks my heart to think of it.

I know you'll find a way through this--you are so self-aware, and you work so hard at understanding yourself.

Sending you lots and lots of love.

Graham said...

EJ, I'm so sorry for your loss. The feelings you've shared so articulately sound perfectly natural. I'm sure you're not the only one who's felt that way, and I'm sure your clarity and honesty will prove helpful to others out there.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss. That you should have given so much pleasure to myself and many others through your blog makes your sadness more poignant.
The shock of reality so suddenly invading fantasy must have made things so much more difficult.
You are very much in my thoughts at this very difficult time.

Judy said...

EJ, please accept my deepest sympathies. You and your family have suffered a terrible loss and will obviously continue to grieve. When something horrible happens, especially so suddenly, it jars us into a different state of mind and, in that instant, we see the world through completely different eyes. Things that seemed important even a minute before may all of a sudden feel completely absurd. It’s understandable to feel appalled by any kind of frivolity, kinky or otherwise.

Nic said...

So very sorry to read your sad news and heart-wrenching that you had to hear it that way. I do know how devastatingly world ending it feels losing someone close unexpectedly and how disembodied and unreal life is for a while but the deep love and care of friends (however they are known) gradually works a spell and what probaly feels unimaginable now starts to become true once again. Much love.


Kaelah said...

Dear EJ,

I'm so sorry to hear about your unexpected and horrible loss! You've been in my thoughts since I read your post some days ago. It took me a while to write a comment, though, because your post moved me a lot. I've sent you an e-mail that you can read whenever you feel like it.

Hermione said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time and permission to grieve and mourn.


MecIrlandais said...

Just came back to your blog today after a long time away & am very saddened to find this as the first post. In time the kink will take care of itself I am sure but for now just take care of your non-fantasy self. So sorry for your loss. Take care.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear what happened. Love and best wishes in your time of loss. (I feel that I know you, even though we've never met and probably never will.)