It's been a long time since I've been beaten, sigh, a full month to be precise. Can't remember the last time I went so long without a fix. Truth be told I know I've been awfully spoiled with play lately. And if the stupid piggy flu hadn't struck I would have got to play with Jessica and HWMBO and The Lover and Bex and Scarlett two weeks ago and that would have been so much fun. But anyway, I promise I'm not still sulking over that..
Anywho this time next week I shall be making my way nervously over to HH for a serious dose of discipline and abuse. I don't know if it's cause I haven't been playing or something else, but my mind is full of dark places right now. Severe beatings, welts, complete humiliation, despair and body wracking sobs are on my agenda.
I want my soul to be stripped bare, want to be reminded why I love and hate the pain and the humiliation. I want to revert to deep places where I have no control and sink into nothingness safe in the knowledge that HH will catch me. I want to have that high that comes from great play and that makes me fly. And I want to come home sore and sorry, played out physically and emotionally.
But what I really want, is what I don't want. And that's something I need, badly.
Friday, October 23
Wednesday, October 21
Pure girl porn
Apart from the beatings, role playing and the great group of new friends, my absolute fav thing about this thing we do is the endless opportunities to indulge my shopping fetish!
Like most of the other girls I know in the scene, I delight in collecting new clothing, especially when I NEED to have it for this scene or that. Things like knickers being the main downfall for a quick hit, with stockings and white socks not far off :)
While other things take a lot of planning and sourcing and I love the thrill of the chase in getting the perfect outfit together. I started off easy, the basic school girl; socks, skirt, shirt and tie. Then turned it up a notch with sexy schoolgirl; stockings, suspenders, even shorter skirt, shirt tied above my belly button. I now have several varieties, from American to Irish to Japanese to my very grown up Lowewood one; black blazer, short skirt (very short some might say!) and black heels.
My next serious challenge was to go to Nimhneach and not wear a school uniform. Luckily Lollipop was on hand to help me finding something suitable. We trawled the shops of Dublin and came up with a black corset, red pvc hotpants, black fishnets and dangerously high heels.
Now I am in the middle of my biggest challenge yet, decking myself out for a Regency House Party. Although Lady Grace proved a little bit too cheeky for Lord Fawcett's liking, he and Mrs Derby have still invited her along to the annual event. Therefore I'm determined to look the part of the sweet and innocent, (not to mention virginal!) Lady Grace.
Fortunately for me, Rebecca and Jessica were generous in lending dresses and providing links to other accessories and I'm almost there with what I need, including reticules (not as naughty as they sound!) and bloomers (not as sexy as I thought they'd be!) and last weekend I spent a happy few hours in town buying ribbons and buttons and material for bits and pieces, bliss!
Now I just need to stop buying things or my bank account will disown me. Of course slave girl causes no such problems: naked and shivering, easy!
Like most of the other girls I know in the scene, I delight in collecting new clothing, especially when I NEED to have it for this scene or that. Things like knickers being the main downfall for a quick hit, with stockings and white socks not far off :)
While other things take a lot of planning and sourcing and I love the thrill of the chase in getting the perfect outfit together. I started off easy, the basic school girl; socks, skirt, shirt and tie. Then turned it up a notch with sexy schoolgirl; stockings, suspenders, even shorter skirt, shirt tied above my belly button. I now have several varieties, from American to Irish to Japanese to my very grown up Lowewood one; black blazer, short skirt (very short some might say!) and black heels.
My next serious challenge was to go to Nimhneach and not wear a school uniform. Luckily Lollipop was on hand to help me finding something suitable. We trawled the shops of Dublin and came up with a black corset, red pvc hotpants, black fishnets and dangerously high heels.
Now I am in the middle of my biggest challenge yet, decking myself out for a Regency House Party. Although Lady Grace proved a little bit too cheeky for Lord Fawcett's liking, he and Mrs Derby have still invited her along to the annual event. Therefore I'm determined to look the part of the sweet and innocent, (not to mention virginal!) Lady Grace.
Fortunately for me, Rebecca and Jessica were generous in lending dresses and providing links to other accessories and I'm almost there with what I need, including reticules (not as naughty as they sound!) and bloomers (not as sexy as I thought they'd be!) and last weekend I spent a happy few hours in town buying ribbons and buttons and material for bits and pieces, bliss!
Now I just need to stop buying things or my bank account will disown me. Of course slave girl causes no such problems: naked and shivering, easy!
Saturday, October 17
If you've nothing good to say...
With 'Love our lurkers' day having just passed I've been reflecting on this time last year. I had just signed up to Spankfinder, the previous month and was taking my first shaky steps from lurking to chatting.
Back then I was in a marathon emailing session with Caroline Grey discussing kink the moon and the stars. I was also chatting to her partner Topcat and we were but one week off meeting for the first time! They would be the first of many online folk that I would happily go on to meet in person.
Caroline's was the first blog I commented on with any regularity. And between the blog and my email exchanges with both her and Topcat, I built up a picture in my head of what they'd be like. I'm sure they did the same with me.
When we met some things about them were exactly as I had expected, and others were different. I hasten to add not in a negative sense at all and this process of reconciling preconceptions with reality is one I've had to do again and again.
For example, in my opinion, Caroline is even more mischievous in real life but is often very thoughtful and reflective too. While HH is not at as scary as I thought he'd be and is really very sweet in person and Abel is not nearly as dominant, but just as friendly as I expected. (Although HH and Abel can both be very scary and dominant in an actual scene!)
I'm thinking over all that now as I look back on nearly a full year in this scene. Put somewhat into focus by recently meeting another new friend and us both candidly talking of how the other did and did not meet expectations.
It made me think of how we create an image of ourselves online through our site profiles, comments on blogs and public chats, on sites like IC and Fetlife. The things we say on Twitter, the pics we show of ourselves and those of us who blog, what we say on our blogs. All of these allow people build up an expectation of what we'll be like in person.
I've also been thinking about how that image can be altered by what others tell us. How often someone has told me, "just wait until you meet so and so, you'll really love them." Which I find very hard, being afraid that I won't like them at all, disappointing everyone concerned. Although I have to admit to being a lil guilty of this myself!
But it's the opposite side of it that's more concerning; the negative recommendation. "I doubt you'll like that person at all, you don't play the same way" or "you'll have nothing in common."
I understand this is only human and not limited to kinky people at all. I also know that most of the time my friends are looking out for me. And of course I would want them to advise me of someone who broke limits, ignored safewords and was unsafe to meet. But in general I like to make up my own mind on people.
And blogs are another factor in image building and breaking. When I started my own blog I intended to honestly record and assess my experiences in the scene. But I quickly found myself self-censoring to some degree. I leave out some details and sometimes I refrain from discussing an incident at all.
One form of this censorship is that I don't write in any detail about my sexual experiences or partners. It's not that such things don't happen or indeed that I don't enjoy them but for me personally it's not something I feel comfortable about discussing on this blog. Partly because I don't want to write about the intimate details of what I get up to with people in the scene, something they may feel even more private about than I do.
But also because Emma Jane is just one step removed from the real me. She has the same personality and approach to life, just enhanced through my core kink of CP and discipline. The things her more depraved alter ego may get up to distract from who she really is and what she wants. I don't want to meet other people based on that alter ego.
My other form of censorship is that I try not to write anything negative about someone I have played with. The scene is too small. Even if I don't name the player, it can be pretty easy to work out who I'm talking about.
I'm a firm believer in the bottom taking as equal responsibility for the scene as the top. For me taking responsibility means facing up to the difficult conversations, being honest with the other person and not blaming them for a scene not working out. Or not telling them the scene was great when you really didn't think it was. And this works both ways, the top needs to give honest feedback to the bottom too.
If I have a problem or an issue in a scene then the only person I really need to talk to is the person I'm playing with. And even if I don't get the courage to interrupt the scene itself or even speak up directly post scene it has to be said afterwards.
This post scene communication can take many forms. From a gentle "I'd prefer if you did X this way" to a "please don't do that again" or "I can't read you well enough for you not to safeword" to a more serious "you broke a limit I set in stone and I don't want to play with you anymore."
Like all things in life, or perhaps even more so, reputation is a very important ingredient in this thing we do. Therefore we must be very conscious of how easy it is to harm one. But we also need to bear in mind that one person's rubbish is another person's gold. Just because you don't click with someone or like how they play, as long as they weren't unsafe or reckless, then don't affect their chances of playing with others.
As my grandmother used to tell me, if you've nothing good to say about someone, then don't say anything at all.
Back then I was in a marathon emailing session with Caroline Grey discussing kink the moon and the stars. I was also chatting to her partner Topcat and we were but one week off meeting for the first time! They would be the first of many online folk that I would happily go on to meet in person.
Caroline's was the first blog I commented on with any regularity. And between the blog and my email exchanges with both her and Topcat, I built up a picture in my head of what they'd be like. I'm sure they did the same with me.
When we met some things about them were exactly as I had expected, and others were different. I hasten to add not in a negative sense at all and this process of reconciling preconceptions with reality is one I've had to do again and again.
For example, in my opinion, Caroline is even more mischievous in real life but is often very thoughtful and reflective too. While HH is not at as scary as I thought he'd be and is really very sweet in person and Abel is not nearly as dominant, but just as friendly as I expected. (Although HH and Abel can both be very scary and dominant in an actual scene!)
I'm thinking over all that now as I look back on nearly a full year in this scene. Put somewhat into focus by recently meeting another new friend and us both candidly talking of how the other did and did not meet expectations.
It made me think of how we create an image of ourselves online through our site profiles, comments on blogs and public chats, on sites like IC and Fetlife. The things we say on Twitter, the pics we show of ourselves and those of us who blog, what we say on our blogs. All of these allow people build up an expectation of what we'll be like in person.
I've also been thinking about how that image can be altered by what others tell us. How often someone has told me, "just wait until you meet so and so, you'll really love them." Which I find very hard, being afraid that I won't like them at all, disappointing everyone concerned. Although I have to admit to being a lil guilty of this myself!
But it's the opposite side of it that's more concerning; the negative recommendation. "I doubt you'll like that person at all, you don't play the same way" or "you'll have nothing in common."
I understand this is only human and not limited to kinky people at all. I also know that most of the time my friends are looking out for me. And of course I would want them to advise me of someone who broke limits, ignored safewords and was unsafe to meet. But in general I like to make up my own mind on people.
And blogs are another factor in image building and breaking. When I started my own blog I intended to honestly record and assess my experiences in the scene. But I quickly found myself self-censoring to some degree. I leave out some details and sometimes I refrain from discussing an incident at all.
One form of this censorship is that I don't write in any detail about my sexual experiences or partners. It's not that such things don't happen or indeed that I don't enjoy them but for me personally it's not something I feel comfortable about discussing on this blog. Partly because I don't want to write about the intimate details of what I get up to with people in the scene, something they may feel even more private about than I do.
But also because Emma Jane is just one step removed from the real me. She has the same personality and approach to life, just enhanced through my core kink of CP and discipline. The things her more depraved alter ego may get up to distract from who she really is and what she wants. I don't want to meet other people based on that alter ego.
My other form of censorship is that I try not to write anything negative about someone I have played with. The scene is too small. Even if I don't name the player, it can be pretty easy to work out who I'm talking about.
I'm a firm believer in the bottom taking as equal responsibility for the scene as the top. For me taking responsibility means facing up to the difficult conversations, being honest with the other person and not blaming them for a scene not working out. Or not telling them the scene was great when you really didn't think it was. And this works both ways, the top needs to give honest feedback to the bottom too.
If I have a problem or an issue in a scene then the only person I really need to talk to is the person I'm playing with. And even if I don't get the courage to interrupt the scene itself or even speak up directly post scene it has to be said afterwards.
This post scene communication can take many forms. From a gentle "I'd prefer if you did X this way" to a "please don't do that again" or "I can't read you well enough for you not to safeword" to a more serious "you broke a limit I set in stone and I don't want to play with you anymore."
Like all things in life, or perhaps even more so, reputation is a very important ingredient in this thing we do. Therefore we must be very conscious of how easy it is to harm one. But we also need to bear in mind that one person's rubbish is another person's gold. Just because you don't click with someone or like how they play, as long as they weren't unsafe or reckless, then don't affect their chances of playing with others.
As my grandmother used to tell me, if you've nothing good to say about someone, then don't say anything at all.
Tuesday, October 13
Loving my lurkers!
The wonderful Bonnie, has once again organised a 'love our lurkers' day, the 4th one in what's become an annual event. I'm delighted to join in cos like most bloggers I love when people comment and I love getting to chat to new people.
But I'm even more excited to join in cos just this time last year I was a lonely lurker myself and had been for years. After seeing all the blogs encouraging readers to say hi, I finally started commenting. That turned into email chats and chats turned into real life spanking and playing. It really was that simple and I have no idea what I was afraid of for all those years!
So if you've been lurking around here please say hi today or tomorrow or even the next day :)
And as an extra little incentive, how about this. My next playdate is at the end of the month with HH. For every person who delurks for the first time on the blog (for any post) between now and then I'll take one stroke from HH. And if you nominate an implement in your comment, HH will use the top 3 implements suggested. there might even be a photo in it ;-)
But I'm even more excited to join in cos just this time last year I was a lonely lurker myself and had been for years. After seeing all the blogs encouraging readers to say hi, I finally started commenting. That turned into email chats and chats turned into real life spanking and playing. It really was that simple and I have no idea what I was afraid of for all those years!
So if you've been lurking around here please say hi today or tomorrow or even the next day :)
And as an extra little incentive, how about this. My next playdate is at the end of the month with HH. For every person who delurks for the first time on the blog (for any post) between now and then I'll take one stroke from HH. And if you nominate an implement in your comment, HH will use the top 3 implements suggested. there might even be a photo in it ;-)
Monday, October 12
A 24/7 lifestyle?
In my fantasy world, I'm not in charge, the toppy/disciplinarian type is. They give orders, I obey or get punished if I don't. It goes without saying that the toppy type is always right and fair and has my best interests at heart. That's how it works. It's for my own good.
But for all my fantasising, I know that's all it is, a fantasy. Sure, a very small part of me would like to live that lifestyle. Why not, it's warm, safe and cosy. Except my realistic side knows that ultimately it's not something that would fulfill me 24/7.
I actually like being in control, organising everyone and bossing them all about. I take pride in being independent and responsible. I like achieving things on my own merit. And I also delight in saying 'feck it anyway' and being silly and crazy just for the sake of it! And I'm well capable of fighting my own battles. Just sometimes it's nice to have someone there to do it for you, or to lean on when you need it.
And whatever about the fact I know it wouldn't fulfill me submitting to someone else's authority all the time, I doubt I'd be able to manage it anyway. Finding that balance of submission and control between two people in everyday life is difficult to maintain.
For me personally, the only way it could possibly work was if I wrote the toppy type a never ending list of do's and don't and exceptions to the rule, which I updated on a weekly basis.
I'd imagine it'd go something like this
Hmmm, I think the toppy type would break long before I would. So best for all concerned if I keep my bratting and submission to defined periods of play where we can both escape from it afterwards!
But for all my fantasising, I know that's all it is, a fantasy. Sure, a very small part of me would like to live that lifestyle. Why not, it's warm, safe and cosy. Except my realistic side knows that ultimately it's not something that would fulfill me 24/7.
I actually like being in control, organising everyone and bossing them all about. I take pride in being independent and responsible. I like achieving things on my own merit. And I also delight in saying 'feck it anyway' and being silly and crazy just for the sake of it! And I'm well capable of fighting my own battles. Just sometimes it's nice to have someone there to do it for you, or to lean on when you need it.
And whatever about the fact I know it wouldn't fulfill me submitting to someone else's authority all the time, I doubt I'd be able to manage it anyway. Finding that balance of submission and control between two people in everyday life is difficult to maintain.
For me personally, the only way it could possibly work was if I wrote the toppy type a never ending list of do's and don't and exceptions to the rule, which I updated on a weekly basis.
I'd imagine it'd go something like this
Rule 1 - Emma Jane will be punished if she stays up late online on a school night
Exceptions to the above include but are not limited to:
Providing comfort to a friend in need;
Chatting to her sister who's in a different time zone;
Writing a blog post due the next day;
If she figures she has a pretty easy day ahead at work the next day so staying up late won't matter and she can always go in a bit late anyway, sure she's been working all hours lately.
Hmmm, I think the toppy type would break long before I would. So best for all concerned if I keep my bratting and submission to defined periods of play where we can both escape from it afterwards!
Wednesday, October 7
A sick imagination
I've been rather unwell this week, hence the lack of posts. Not only have I lacked energy, I just haven't been in a kinky frame of mind. However, today I seem to have turned a corner. As I endured another day of enforced bed rest my kinky mind suddenly woke up and started to entertain me (and about time too!).
Here's one of the ideas I had today. I enjoyed twisting it back and forth!
Here's one of the ideas I had today. I enjoyed twisting it back and forth!
A girl skives off school pretending to be sick. The housekeeper buys her fake coughs and sniffles but not her strict Uncle. On returning early from work he inspects her rigorously, determining that she is indeed faking. The sound thrashing that follows ensures she won't try that again.or
A girl is sick. Her Uncle is very concerned for her well being and orders her to stay in bed. He forbids her from using her phone or laptop. When he happens upon her sending an email to a friend he is not swayed by her sickly cries. Over his knee she goes for a short but hard spanking, all for her own good.
Saturday, October 3
La Belle Dame Sans Merci
Jessica posted yesterday about how she was in dommely mode last weekend and mused on her various role characters and how different they are. In particular she wrote about Juliet, the most sadistic of her characters, who's commonly seen as a bitch and wondered just what is so appealing about her.
Knowing Jessica the real person for several months now, I can understand why she wonders over her. Jessica is the complete opposite of Juliet, infinitely more likable, sweet and caring. The ultimate safe person to play with as a fellow sub/bottom or top, especially if you're a newbie.
Juliet is a completely different story, almost terrifying in her evilness. She just doesn't want to punish you, she openly gets off on your suffering. She wants to teach you a lesson so severe you'll never cross her again. Mercy is not a word she understands. And it's not that Juliet necessarily whacks any harder, she's just far more creative in what she does to you!
Like at HWMBO's party last weekend. Juliet made me stand on a chair in front of all the other girls, made me lift my skirt above my waist and doled out my first band of fire. Not to teach me a lesson, no. But to set an example to the newest girl in the group, about just how painful a strapping on the front, back and sides of the thighs is!
But it was at Haron's party the following day that I got my first proper taste of Juliet in full flow. Noticing I had misbehaved in some little way, she ordered me to her in front of the entire room of guests. In a tone that brooked no opposition she told me to take off my skirt and give it to her.
I didn't even think to disobey. She was in ultimate Juliet mode, terrifyingly hot in look and manner. I slowly took my skirt off and handed it to her. My blouse was next, until I stood in front of her clad only in my socks, knickers and bra. I was a disgrace to Lowewood and was not permitted the honour of wearing the uniform. With that scathing comment she banished me to the corner, where shame kept me company.
It wasn't long before distraction arrived in the form of fellow Byron housemate, Felicity. Giggling at the sight of me near naked in the corner, she started to spank me. Not a good idea, and in one sudden movement I had her pinned to the floor, where we wrestled until we were both painfully lifted off the floor by our hair and dragged up upstairs to be punished.
Felicity was defiant at first, I was much too scared to argue, apologising to Juliet immediately. She left us standing in the hallway, both in our underwear until she was ready to deal with us.
Once inside her room we had to lie face down on the bed while she whipped us with a series of implements. We were fast on the way to becoming very sorry girls. And all the while she teased and tormented us about how we were in her power and no-one could save us. That we were only lowly Byron girls, not worth bothering with really.
By the end of our session we were both completely subdued, thinking it could not get any worse. That our pain and humiliation was surely complete. But when she made us kneel on the bed, legs wide apar, I realised our humiliation was not at all complete. For Juliet knows well where a girl's real weakness is and soon had us crying in shame, as our bodies betrayed us to her caresses.
To finish she caned us hard across our thighs, 1 for Felicity as it was her first time to endure it, 3 for me. Unerringly accurate the cane fell exactly where she indicated it would, leaving 3 bright welts across my thighs. She finally dismissed us with the order for Felicity to report to Mr Shaftbotham and me to report to Rev Jenkins and explain how we had been dealt with and to ask for permission to re-join the party.
I blogged before how I find it more of a turn-on to submit to women. My natural instincts tell me not to. But when Jessica is Juliet I'm too scared to disobey, too excited deep down to not play along, and thinking about it incredulously afterwards to not want to do it again.
Not that I'd want to have Juliet around all the time, but every so often is just perfect. The rest of the time I want nice and fun Jessica to laugh and giggle with.
Knowing Jessica the real person for several months now, I can understand why she wonders over her. Jessica is the complete opposite of Juliet, infinitely more likable, sweet and caring. The ultimate safe person to play with as a fellow sub/bottom or top, especially if you're a newbie.
Juliet is a completely different story, almost terrifying in her evilness. She just doesn't want to punish you, she openly gets off on your suffering. She wants to teach you a lesson so severe you'll never cross her again. Mercy is not a word she understands. And it's not that Juliet necessarily whacks any harder, she's just far more creative in what she does to you!
Like at HWMBO's party last weekend. Juliet made me stand on a chair in front of all the other girls, made me lift my skirt above my waist and doled out my first band of fire. Not to teach me a lesson, no. But to set an example to the newest girl in the group, about just how painful a strapping on the front, back and sides of the thighs is!
But it was at Haron's party the following day that I got my first proper taste of Juliet in full flow. Noticing I had misbehaved in some little way, she ordered me to her in front of the entire room of guests. In a tone that brooked no opposition she told me to take off my skirt and give it to her.
I didn't even think to disobey. She was in ultimate Juliet mode, terrifyingly hot in look and manner. I slowly took my skirt off and handed it to her. My blouse was next, until I stood in front of her clad only in my socks, knickers and bra. I was a disgrace to Lowewood and was not permitted the honour of wearing the uniform. With that scathing comment she banished me to the corner, where shame kept me company.
It wasn't long before distraction arrived in the form of fellow Byron housemate, Felicity. Giggling at the sight of me near naked in the corner, she started to spank me. Not a good idea, and in one sudden movement I had her pinned to the floor, where we wrestled until we were both painfully lifted off the floor by our hair and dragged up upstairs to be punished.
Felicity was defiant at first, I was much too scared to argue, apologising to Juliet immediately. She left us standing in the hallway, both in our underwear until she was ready to deal with us.
Once inside her room we had to lie face down on the bed while she whipped us with a series of implements. We were fast on the way to becoming very sorry girls. And all the while she teased and tormented us about how we were in her power and no-one could save us. That we were only lowly Byron girls, not worth bothering with really.
By the end of our session we were both completely subdued, thinking it could not get any worse. That our pain and humiliation was surely complete. But when she made us kneel on the bed, legs wide apar, I realised our humiliation was not at all complete. For Juliet knows well where a girl's real weakness is and soon had us crying in shame, as our bodies betrayed us to her caresses.
To finish she caned us hard across our thighs, 1 for Felicity as it was her first time to endure it, 3 for me. Unerringly accurate the cane fell exactly where she indicated it would, leaving 3 bright welts across my thighs. She finally dismissed us with the order for Felicity to report to Mr Shaftbotham and me to report to Rev Jenkins and explain how we had been dealt with and to ask for permission to re-join the party.
I blogged before how I find it more of a turn-on to submit to women. My natural instincts tell me not to. But when Jessica is Juliet I'm too scared to disobey, too excited deep down to not play along, and thinking about it incredulously afterwards to not want to do it again.
Not that I'd want to have Juliet around all the time, but every so often is just perfect. The rest of the time I want nice and fun Jessica to laugh and giggle with.
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