Taking stock

I'm worn out people.

Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. That's what 3 days of intensive play does to you. If any top turned up on my doorstep looking to beat me, I'd have to turn him away. That's not a place I've ever been before!

But apart from being exhausted I'm quietly ecstatic and very content. And also relieved that I haven't crashed yet. At this stage wondering if I will at all. Maybe because even my voracious appetite for playing was sated. Or maybe cos vanilla life has kept me too busy. Or cos the weekend didn't actually happen at all (although my rainbow striped bottom is testament to the fact it did!).

I'm finding some of it hard to process. Thinking about scenes we did and questioning myself. Did we really do that? Did it really hurt ? Did I really cry?

The biggest surprise for me with all the play was how into it I got, how much I let go and became the character I was playing. We played 7 proper scenes overall and I was fully into the role in all but the birching one.

Caoilfhionn made an appearance for detention while EmmaJane atoned for her sins at the hands of Sir Henry. Poor Anna was sent to stay with her strict Uncle, twice. While Victoria was subjected to a Minority Order, Jacqui was kidnapped and Matthews was sent to a reformatory. Most of these girls had detailed backstories that we discussed at length, and apart from the birching I was never told in advance what the punishment would be. Meaning I was always caught off guard.

Of course being able to immerse so fully into each role was obviously a lot to do with HH, a tremendously experienced roleplayer who took the lead in each scene. His energy was great to feed off. And then there was the trust that was building between us the more we played. But in some scenes I went extremely and unexpectedly deep, particularly in Jacqui's kidnap scene. I haven't posted about it yet because I'm not sure how to give it justice.

In the scene I was an innocent girl who had been kidnapped by a gangster to make my boyfriend give him what he was owed. It was being filmed for my boyfriend's benefit and I was being tortured to convince him to comply with the demands.

It was very different from the guardian/school roleplays we had been doing up to then, even if the physical punishment wasn't necessarily any harder. But it was a completely different headspace. He didn't have the right to be in control of me and abuse was to the forefront. Even his persona was very different. He didn't play nice, obviously delighting in my pain and taking all kinds of liberties with me. Enjoying my distress and laughing when I tried to free myself.

It was such an intense scene that although I shed very few tears during it, afterwards I sobbed my heart out. I had come as close as I've been to being broken and the relief when it was over was almost overpowering. At first I was shocked at my reaction and tried to contain myself, partly for HH's sake. But he was so reassuring and encouraged me to give way to it that I did. He held me as I cried, sobbing in waves until it was all out of my system. It was so liberating.

I still feel this huge sense of catharsis from the whole weekend. And I delight in thinking back to each scene: what I wore, what HH said, my reactions, the punishment I got, how I felt and the lovely hugs afterwards. All great thoughts that will keep me going for a long time.

It means that right now I'm content to just take stock. And I'm actually looking forward to some play free weeks as I regroup and process everything we did. So that when my next playdate arrives I'll be raring to go again, as I have no doubt I will be!