Wednesday, August 4

Just a fantasy

This is probably the longest I've ever gone between blog posts and I find it unsettling. Not just because of the gaping hole in my blog, but I actually miss writing on here. There is a comfort in it that I have gotten used to having and several times lately I have itched to have just half an hour to blog.

Basically I have been away a lot for both vanilla and kinky things, and about to head off again for another trip. These long weekends away coupled with a few manic days at work in between and trying to catch up with vanillas has left little time for anything else: Like blogging, or reading other blogs, answering emails, sleeping or having time for me.

"My first weekend away I switched off completely. No mail, no twitter. no work thoughts. I was with vanilla friends and I was shutting away both the kinky and work worlds. It coincided with a forced period of no play as I recovered from my judicial and that felt right. I came back refreshed, re-energised, excited. But as is the world I came back to hassle at work, 12 hour days of running to stand still and the gradual onset of panic over my upcoming trip away with HH.

By the time I finished work last week I was shattered and fighting a low energy space. And it continued all over the weekend. Whilst I was very happy to be with HH and thrilled to be where we were, I spent far too much of the weekend cranky and irritable. Sure we had lots of non-kinky fun and hanging out and even some play, but not to our usual levels.

Usually being a cranky brat are very valid reasons for a good spanking except I couldn't deal with that either. I didn't have the energy to play and took the few spankings he meted out with much fuss. I couldn't surrender myself to the relief of play. Hairbrushes made me squeal. A caning felt like the worst in the world. In our first proper scene I safeworded after 8 cane strokes: I have never safeworded to HH before.

And it made me want to hide away even more. I was so frustrated at myself. Worried I wasn't being a good companion to HH. Scared my kink had run away on me. Freaking out that I wasn't me.

In these situations I usually get a 'good for me' spanking. But it didn't really work until the end of the trip, I wasn't in the headspace to accept it. On the last evening came a hairbrushing that I tried to be brave for and failed and the much needed tears as he spanked me rapidly with his hand. And the relief that I was at least making some amends with HH as I apologised for my crankiness.

But still last night I came back overwhelmed with feelings. Angry that despite the great weekend I had wasted some of it. Frustrated at not being my usual high energy self, guilty I hadn't been the perfect companion. And dreading going back into work.

It all felt too much and for the first time I really started to doubt this kinky whirlwind of a life I have created. Is it really worth it? And as I chatted to the wonderful Casey Morgan I finally started to process what's really getting to me; I have too much on.

I say with glee that my next free weekend is in October or that I pretty much haven't a free evening for weeks as I compensate my vanilla friends for all the weekends I'm away. With the result that it feels like I'm going around the carousel too fast and don't know how to get off without pulling the emergency break.

And when Casey dreamed up this fantasy for me I cried. Cos secretly that's what I want, what I've always wanted since I was little girl. The perfectly regulated life where someone else sets the pace for me. Where I'm completely looked after and I don't always have to be the grown-up.

It's just a fantasy, but it's a great one, right?

"My fantasy is that you are magically whisked away to a summer house way out in the countryside and because it's magic all your regular life responsibilities are taken care of for you while you're away and you have to spend the rest of the summer there, and there's some kind of guardian but he's like the uncle in Narnia and always locked away in some wing and you have a governess who makes sure you have time to do plenty of stimulating and relaxing and feeding and healthy things and you get to play your characters if you want and be High and Low all you want and maybe have a friend or two come play, but still your governess insists on lots of restorative time"


PaulAtNorthGare said...

There's probably some difference in perspective here, but it might be worth asking yourself whether there's too much of a sense of what time with Person X *should* be like - either from their perspective, or your own - and whether that sometimes just isn't how you're feeling.

Your use of "making some amends", "Worried I wasn't being a good companion", and "guilty I hadn't been the perfect companion", implies a lot of guilt from a mismatch between how you feel/behave, and how you think you *should* feel/behave. That mismatch might come from trying to do too much - as you speculate. It might also come from too rigid a sense of what time with kink friends should be like. Just because you're both into spanking, for example, it doesn't mean that an absence of spanking means you're not fulfilling their needs/desires, or necessarily having your own fulfilled. Even if you're *not* fulfilling their needs/desires, that's not remotely the same as not being a good companion. If they're a good companion to *you*, they'll see how you're feeling and be supportive of that.

It's striking that Casey's fantasy doesn't (explicitly) mention spanking at all. What I'd ask is why time with your kink friends *can't* - at least sometimes - be closer to that, rather than a whirlwind of play.

Eliane said...

"Stop the world, I want to get off!" is often a cry that I have echoing in my head, and my mad life is nothing compared to your mad life.
I can't really give advice, as this is something I have struggled with for years, and "discovering" kink only made it worse, really, but if I can say anything, it is to say that you have to learn to say no sometimes, which is bloody hard. Feeling as though we're missing out on fun, kinky or vanilla, is frustratinga and sometimes upsetting, but in the interests of long term equilibrium and health, just occasionally saying, "Thank you, but I really need to spend an evening in/weekend at home" has got to be done. And anyone who truly cares for you, kinky or vanilla, will understand and applaud.
Balance between our vanilla and kinky friends is so hard to find, and guilt that we're neglecting people is ever present, but you've got to start putting yourself into that mix as well.
Hugs. X.

Haron said...

I'd like to echo what Paul said, in that, if your idea of what time with somebody "should" be like is making you feel so low, maybe it would be good to reassess the "shoulds".

Just because you're with kinky friends, it doesn't mean kink needs to be happening - "friends" is the keyword here. If the person makes you feel like you owe them play whenever you're with them, it's OK to say that you'll see them some other time, when you feel like playing again.

Anonymous said...

i'm agreeing about the fantasy: it sounds perfect: i suspect that a lot of people spend their life trying to *be* that very governess - and be the pupil at the same time - no wonder we are exhausted!
Sometimes you just have to throw in the towel and retire to the cave until the sun comes out. Breathe slowly and the dust will settle...

Indy said...

Hmm, I'll let everyone else be profound and helpful. I'll just fantasize about the governess myself!

EmmaJane said...

@Paul, actually that id true, there is no spanking in Casey's fantasies, just as when I was little I only fantasised about the rules, not the actual spankings.

@Paul and Haron Wes I do need to reconsider the idea that there should always be play with kunky people and that it's OK to not want to play. I think the guilt at the weekend was more because I wasn't in my shiny, happy mood and I was afraid I wasn't fun to be around. HH wasn't giving me those vibes, nor pushing me to play but looking after me in ways that have worked before.

@elaine, yes you and I have have this conversation so many times and each of us is great at giving the other decent advice that neither of us can take. We may both need that governess!

@bandree, good advice :)

@Indy, yes she is one hot governess alright!

Kaelah said...

That really sounds like a lot of stress, Emma Jane. Please take good care of yourself and make sure that it doesn't make you ill! I think it's pretty normal that one isn't in the right mood for spanking or any other form of sexual play when being stressed. Ludwig and I are usually much more in the mood for cuddling and being pampered when we aren't feeling well. That means that there isn't much spanking play sometimes, even if one of us actually is in the mood for it. And I think especially concerning such an intimate thing as sex it is perfectly okay to say no if one isn't in the right mood! And I think it is perfectly okay to say no to friends, too, or to write less for the blog, if one needs some time to recharge one's batteries.

I haven't got so much time for my friends at the moment, too. My “trick” is to make a bigger party from time to time which gives me the chance to meet more of my friends at once. And my friends accept and respect that I've got a long distance relationship with Ludwig and that I want to be with him at least every second weekend. Which means I've got less time for them.

By the way, Ludwig and I might probably live out that wonderful fantasy you've described. We are planning a trip to the UK which will be a lot of fun but also a lot of stress because we're going to travel to different destinations and meet a lot of different people. Before going back to work I will surely need some time to recover afterwards, so it is quite likely that we're going to spend the rest of the holidays in a very small village in Germany with a wonderful host, great food and only surrounded by a beautiful landscape, sheep and cattle. No internet, no mail and no obligations. I really need that right now and I wish you that you'll find a way to get back some energy, too!