Friday, February 11


Mistress Switch, the organiser and one of the main interrogators of the scene I alluded to in my last post, has given me permission to disclose the details of the interrogation. At this point I make little attempt to analyse my feelings, but to merely recount the scene and how I got through it.

Before you read this please remember that although I was going into the unknown I completely trusted the two main players, Mistress Switch and Mr Evil. (I did not know until after who the others were, but knew they too would be trustworthy and capable). The premise of doing such a scene is to come in with an open mind and see it through to the end. There are no limits and there are no safewords. By entering into it you are giving consent for them to do what it takes to break you.  

All are very experienced people who know what they are doing. Furthermore, there are several of them, all very closely monitoring each participant. I would not do this type of scene with anyone I don't trust 100%. And whilst there are parts of this I never wish to do again, I do not regret a moment of it. I am proud to have survived it. And I am still buzzing from the high!

If you can fill the unforgiving hour,

There were five of us. Three men, only one of whom I knew and my twin, Catherine. Waiting to be transported to our destination, all nervous. Our phones beeped, each given the three pieces of information we we were not to reveal to our interrogators. For the first time I felt optimistic about the scene, I now had a purpose. It was game on.

We finally set off and after a long drive we arrived in the wooded camp. As instructed, got out of our car and  knelt on the ground in a line facing forward, with arms out stretched. They approached us from behind, one captor for each of us. Dropped hoods across our heads and dark goggles across the hoods. Our sight was gone and would not return until the end of this ordeal, some four hours later.

We were led away, one by one and ordered to strip naked. Given a thin paper jumpsuit to wear and ordered to put just one of our shoes on. And finally our wrists were secured tightly behind our backs, in my case with cable ties.

With sixty minutes worth of distance run,

Once restrained I was led to the sound room where various static and white noises played loudly. I was put in a variety of positions, for 15-20 mins at a time. Each uncomfortable and made worse by having only one shoe on, making it impossible to balance the body. I tried to block out the noise but could not, and in the second position could feel myself begin to faint. I'd read about stress positions and sensory deprivation, but nothing prepared me for the reality. I started to buckle out of position, nausea building. One of the captors put me back into position. A few mins later I buckled again.

This time they moved me to kneeling upright on the floor, I swayed from side to side, happy to pass out, hoped it would happen even.

Suddenly grabbed roughly from behind and dragged outside. My heart quickened. But despite my fear the fresh air was welcome and I breathed deeply through my hood. They marched me round the woods, my one bare foot scratching on stones and thistles. Left me to stand alone for a short time then dragged me back down to the main building. Forced my poor bare foot into a bucket of cold water, but I did not flinch. I was already retreating into my self, into my own head. It was lovely there. These people couldn't hurt me there.

Over and over I recited Kipling to myself, it became my main way of coping and as the ordeal wore on I focused on it more and more.

When I was finally let out of the water they lay me face down in the mud. It was lovely and soft and earthy and I was happy to use the two senses they hadn't cut off. I would happily have stayed there for the rest of the night.

Then it was more stress positions, this time outside. One, head on a table, shoulders hunched, knees bent and feet uneven. Again I retreated in side my head, until one of then rapped on the table hard, the impact made me bite my lip in shock. But I made no sound. Because I was not there. I was gone.

Then yours is the earth,

I have no idea how much time passed before I was brought before him, the chief interrogator. Sat on a high stool, my hood and goggles removed, I staring at a the bright light in front of me. Tried, and failed, to see the man behind it.

The questions were easy, but I struggled to answer. I was not there, my conscious had floated away and talking had become an effort.

'What age are you ?'

I wasn't sure, was I 28 or 29, I had a birthday soon my foggy mind reasoned, but then was I 30?

'What are your brothers called?'

Oh yes I told him, I had two brothers didn't I? It took a long time to get their names out. He mentioned my Dad, called him by his name. How did he know that I vaguely wondered? What did my Dad do for a living? My answer made little sense.

Then he asked who was Harry? My conscious became more alert. Harry (my teddy bear) was in my rucksack in the car and I was afraid. What would they to do him? I told him I didn't know any Harry. He asked again and wasn't happy at my refusal to answer.

A plastic bag over my head was my reward. Sealed tight, they then opened and shut it slowly, releasing little whiffs of air. I tried to keep calm, panicky gulps of air were not going to help. The bag came off and he asked again? Asked what was in my rucksack. I named every item except Harry.

When they finished with me I was led back to the edge of the sound room. Made to kneel up, head on a stool. My leg quickly went dead but strangely I found a vaguely comfortable position by sliding my head to the side and then I disappeared again. Bocking out the pain in my leg, the weight of my shoulders, the stiffness in my wrists. It must have been at least half an hour before I was moved. When they lifted me up I promptly fell over, my foot was too dead to feel, to stand on. So they leaned me in a corner, my head dipped in support, until my leg agonisingly came back to feeling.

I had heard little from my fellow captives through the evening, semi aware of them being moved around. Once I heard Catherine fighting back, another time I heard moans of pain from someone in the distance.

Then from beside me came more definite moans of pain, getting louder, until he was told to shut up by one of the captors. I trembled wondering what was next to befall me. ( Later Loki explained his handcuffs had become unbearable.)

All of a sudden the static sound was turned up very loud. Listening to it made me dizzy again so I chanted Kipling aloud. And suffered a bucket of water in consequence, but again I made no sound, I was not there. 

Yours is the earth and everything that is in it,

It felt like a very long time before they came for me. Led me outside. My bare foot felt water on the ground, I could sense several of the captors around me and the terror set in. I knew even before being lifted onto the bench that this was the dreaded water boarding.

I was laid out flat, my head at the edge. A thick, tight fitting hood was placed over my head. I immediately felt claustrophobic. The chief interrogator asked me did I have information for him. I denied it. He pushed me back on the bench, someone sat on my legs, others gripped my arms. I tried to brace myself.

The water started to pour, I held my breath, but eventually my nose and mouth were filled with water, and I struggled desperately to get up. When they released me I was panicking, gulping for air. But my big gulps just made the hood tighter, and I inhaled more water. He ordered me to calm down and  I blurted out the information he needed. But he laughed and told me he hadn't asked for it yet. When they pushed me back I begged and pleaded hysterically to be let go.

The second time was worse, knowing how it would feel in advance. Again I held as long as I could, and again came up screaming and panicking. The third time was just as horrendous. That awful moment when you have to open your mouth and the water consumes you. I thought of all the things I could say to make them stop. And yet there was nothing I knew would work. I have never felt more terrified or helpless in my whole life. Even now I can  feel that fear. On the 4th time he told me if I could stay down as long as he expected me to, if I took it well and didn't fight or struggle he might stop it there.

I held my breath as long as I could, I took the water as long as I could until I jerked my head up. And screamed in terror that it hadn't been long enough, that he'd do it again. Right then I would have given him anything he asked for, even Harry.

(What I didn't find out until later was that I was taking staying down for logner than the others and therefore taking a huge amount of water. All because I was too terrified of him to think of fight back!)

When they let me down they led me shaking and weeping to a tree nearby where I found Catherine and two of the men already there. It had taken two attempts for her to reveal the information and I could not believe her bravery in resisting after the first round of it. We clutched hands, and wet and shivering we listened to the last of our party be broken. When he finally joined us at the tree I had managed to compose myself slightly, was able to extend my hand to him, whispering comfort.

They came for each of us then, once at a time. In my turn I went in terror, praying they wouldn't do anything else. I was broken. I almost fainted with relief when Mr Evil declared that was 'it'. Fell into Mistress Swtich's and my co-captives's arms  in ecstasy at having survived.

And which is more, you will be a man, my son.


Abel1234 said...

Just the most remarkable post. Incredibly hard to read, even having talked to you afterwards so knowing what had happened.

I'll read it again and probably comment more when less rushed and when I've processed this - but you, Catherine and the others who were on the receiving end were so brave.

Love you xxx

Henry Higgins said...

O. M. G.

I think that's really all I have to say. You are a brave and crazy girl. And I want to hug you.


Mija said...

What an amazing scene. It embraces a darkness I can't quite bring myself to imagine, yet the power of it is seductive. Reading it I felt scared for you, yet also a twinge of envy at the elaborate planning and execution.

Thank you for sharing the experience. I won't soon forget reading this.

Master Retep said...

You have brought a visceral reality to what, for me, was no more than a vague imagining after our conversation last weekend, made all the more poignant by being so far removed from the world of elegant tea trays. I am having trouble realising we are talking about the same person, the cream of the French aristocracy being led to the gallows.

Lucy McLean said...


Indy said...

I'm with Lucy!

Like Abel, I found this post very hard to read, but at the same time, I found it utterly compelling-- mesmerizing, even.

I'm also strangely relieved to know that you don't want to experience all of that again. [Well, as you pointed out that I'm old enough to be your mother, I get to stop hiding my protectiveness ;) ]

Anonymous said...

I have always wanted to do a scene like this but restricted to BDSM/spanking-type torture. I have wanted to be broken with no safe words and no limits, but couldn't do it with the types of tortures used on you. Brave woman. Thanks for sharing.


Martha said...

An amazing account, incredibly eloquent. Bravery of a different kind to share it than to do it. The 5 of you must be high as kites! I ain't jealous though! Hugs xxx

Kaelah said...

Emma Jane, thank you so much for sharing this account! I have to admit that it wasn't so difficult for me to read it as it obviously was for others, because I had a very strong feeling that this was the right thing for you to do and that it didn't do you any harm in the end. And I'm very happy for you that it was such a good experience and that you are flying now! You're really brave (same goes of course for Catherine and the other participants)!

But your account also helped me to understand something else: That these kinds of scenes definitely aren't for me! When I read about these scenes earlier, the participants never wrote exactly what had happened. So, while my gut feeling always told me that this wouldn't be the right thing for me to try, a part of me always kept wondering if I just didn't have the guts.

Now that I've read your account I know that I would have felt horrible right from the beginning (being blindfolded would have been enough), it wouldn't have changed throughout the scene (which would most probably have been very short for me, anyhow) and it wouldn't have afterwards (I guess I would have beaten myself up for having overstepped my limits and would have felt like a wimp at the same time).

Now that I know what happened at your interrogation scene, I can easily name the things that I don't want to try. I don't want to play without any limit and without a safeword, I don't want to try to stay in stress positions for long times, I don't want to try any breath play and I don't want to try water boarding. It's not the kind of play I'm seeking.

So, thank you very, very much for your post Emma Jane, it helped me to confirm a gut feeling that I had for a long time and to stop questioning my gut feeling. And of course it was very exciting to read how you dealt with this scenario and to follow you into your almost meditative mindset which you described so beautifully and eloquently. Thanks! :-)

Scarlett said...

Awesome to read.

I "get" this much more easily then I did your posts about the judicial scenes. It's fascinating to read about how you've gone away from something you're quite used to processing (like CP, even super hard levels of it) towards something much more reliant on the psycohology.

There's a lot there to think about, and lots of individual things, such as waterboarding or white noise, that I'd love to try. But doing it all in one go, in a long scene? I can't work out if I think it's admirable or crazy- maybe a bit of both?

Anonymous said...

Well done again for even turning up, you would have survived the night anyway (you would not have had a choice) life is about exploring your own boundaries, and now having planed and conducted many of these, it effects people in different ways, I am so glad I opened new doors for you, new ventures being planned on the horizon, well done again, lok forward to seeing you soon.
Mr E

Mistress Andi Switch said...

EJ you write so articulately, it's always a joy to read your blog.

To you and your fellow captives, WHAT A RIDE and I hope you're all still flying high like we are. WELL DONE TO ALL OF YOU!!! BIG THANK YOU to the Team too :-)

We encourage the captives to stay for a few days with us afterwards for emotional aftercare but unfortunately EJ and C were committed else where on this occasion and I'd like to thank her friends for looking after her pre and post interrogation. I'm sure EJ will write about her emotional feelings in due course.

It needs to be pointed out and I can't emphasize enough the TRUST element here. I would NOT recommend this to anyone or certainly allow just anyone to partake as a captor or captive.

This is NOT a commercial venture and all members of the Interrogation Team (headed up by Mr E and myself) are carefully selected from those who have been through this ordeal previously and give there time for free.

We all do this out of genuine passion and enthusiasm. What could be more satisfying than to take those hardcore players, who are carefully selected, reference checked and put forward by our close circle of friends, to the extremes of play in a completely safe environment.

More fun on the horizons ALWAYS :-)

Much love xxxx

Serenity Everton said...


A few of the commenters above described your report as difficult to read; I'll echo that and add that I found it impossible read the first time. I'm now back on my third attempt and made it to the end, but only by deliberately setting it outside of my own head....

Congratulations on taking your courage between your own two hands and going into it knowing what would be happening. I think that might be even more terrifying than the unknown.


Caroline Grey said...

Wow, honey.

It's funny, as I was monitoring my emotions, reading this, I didn't feel worried for you, I felt proud of you. And envious! You are so brave.

It made me think about why I might do a scene like this. I realised that I don't think it would be for the feeling of self-sufficiency and bravery and endurance that you get. I think I would do it for the respect, regard, and love-bombing I could earn by it. It's strange--I wonder if that's messed up?

Anyway, thank you for sharing. You never cease to amaze me, and I'm proud to be your friend, even if I can't live through these things with you.

Nimue said...

I keep trying to think of more to say than just wow, and I can't. As others have said, this was a difficult read, but I'm so glad I did read it. I found myself holding my breath while reading about the waterboarding.

When I read reports like this, I am always torn between being hugely jealous that you have had the opportunity to do this, and scared of what my head would do if I were to ever live out a similar fantasy.

C said...

Emma Jane, Your account of this is thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. I would love to hear how you're feeling about it now.

Rayne said...

Harrowing, EJ.

Something truly out of a thriller novel -- and yet you *experienced* it. Brava and *HUGGGS*

catherine said...

Hey hon

Mr E is right: any bravery was in turning up. After that it was just about enduring (and buzzing... I'm still buzzing, and it's over a week later!)

But you - we - did make that mental leap across the abyss, *did* turn up to endure - and I'm so glad we did it together. The intensity of the experience really was something special, and sharing it with you was awesome.

Love you missy!


Anonymous said...

Compelling and articulate writing as always. You are surely a very brave girl. Do take care with these mind games though' they can rebound later sometimes. Bruises heal in a week but minds can take longer!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences

Best wishes PeterD

EmmaJane said...

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. Thye meant so much as I processed, more of which you can read about on the blog tonight.

But you all touched me with your response and words can't express how much.