Sunday, August 28

Your space or mine?

Since I've moved to London I've encountered a problem that I didn't have in Ireland. No not having to remember to pronounce H and R a different way or understand that supper isn't a bowl of cereal before bed, or all those numerous little details that one has to navigate in a new culture.

No my problem relates to playing in my house, or more to the point, my space. In Ireland playing in my house was usually out of the question due to my lovely, but vanilla flatmate. So when Abel came to visit we played in his hotel or when HH came we rented a house out of the city. Otherwise I just played at clubs and parties.

It's a new departure to have a nice big house and a kinky flatmate who's not going to be shocked at what she might hear. It was even something I looked forward to in advance of moving: being able to play in my own house, inviting people over for play dates, not always having to travel for my beatings. Oh the freedom of it.

Except it hasn't quite worked out like that. I'm finding it incredibly hard to play at home, to be submissive there. My house, my rules and all that. If a guest comes for dinner and I'm entertaining and cooking then it's very hard to switch to submissive mode, to let them into my head, to let them beat me. I feel my space is being invaded and the control freak in me rebels.

It's compounded by trying to play on school nights, when the brain hasn't quite moved out of work mode. As well as the worry that Furball will be upset or the neighbours will hear. Most of my play partners have more suitable houses for such things, particularly HH with his Kinky Narnia where no-one can hear you scream.

I am trying though. I managed at the party when there were enough people to make it feel less like my house and more like a club venue. And Abel and I did play a fun, little scene the other night where I was being spanked and made to clean up my messy bedroom which was just light enough to be bearable.

And with HH there's been no 'choice'. If I've earned a punishment then it will be delivered, no matter where we are. Complaining I don't want to be spanked in my house would likely result in another side of the road spanking! It's not easy though. The first evening is a battle of wills. Usually my control freak against my submissive side with HH refereeing. I am expected to obey him, expected to take deserved punishments sufficiently contritely and above all let him in my head.

He is not pleased when I resist letting him in and has a very suitable repertoire of words to break down my defences. Still the first 5 minutes of any Friday night spanking usually involve me tense and stubborn, riding out the pain, blocking him from my head. In the end he gets there and I feel relieved. It's a place I want to be; the good, obedient girl he expects.

But even he has his limits: morning play is far more difficult to achieve in my house than his and on his last visit he obviously thought discretion was the better part of valour and let me sleep on!

For all that I do prefer going to visit him or Abel. And upcoming holidays with both of them offer new opportunities to play, completely new spaces to be conquered and for me to feel anonymous and submissive in. Who knows what that will lead to?

I am curious though, am I the only one to experience this problem? Is it just because I've changed from never playing in my own space to trying to do so quite often that the shift feels too much? What do you toppy types prefer: is it easier to play in your space or mine?


Jenny said...

I think we've spoken about this before - I experience exactly the same issue. In theory my spaces ought to be perfect for play - I live alone, and have done for a while, with no flatmates to worry about. In practice though, I find myself hugely defensive of my space, territorial almost. I can manage the occasional scene in which I am more 'bottom' than 'sub', but anything deeper I think would just be impossible. I suppose having my own flat is a huge symbol of my vanilla persona - an independent, successful young woman. Nobody's taking that away from me! Thankfully, like you, I rather enjoy travelling to see my partners, and they (I think!) are happy to have me. 

Indy said...

Is it wrong that my strongest reaction to this post was laughing in glee at the fact that HH let you sleep for a change?

Most of my play has been at my house. I do occasionally wonder what the neighbors can hear, and I cringe whenever Nick drives his car with the bumper sticker that says "Gone Paddling. Forget the Boat!" But I'm not very controlling of my space, nor am I very submissive in my play. So the contrast between real me (smart aleck who occasionally bites her tongue) and play me (smart aleck who rarely does) isn't that great.

I've occasionally wished Nick would find some excuse to drag me off for a spanking immediately upon arrival at my house, but I suspect that would only work occasionally, for many of the reasons you described. I usually need a bit more time or ritual to adjust to pull myself out of my vanilla preoccupations and focus on play.

the long bean said...

Ouch... A difficult issue to resolve.

From my days as only being a sub, I was able to play both at my and my mistress's home. However when we moved in together to live as a couple, I found it hard to play at home, only at parties. My mindset changed, and thinking about it years later, I believe it was that I could not play in our main living area, probably because our vanilla friends could not get their heads around TTWD and it is so easy to leave toys around that they could see and be offended by. In the bedroom there was little roomother on the bed to playnad was mpre difficult as she worked shifts and I had a regular day job.

It was using the main living space that was the problem. Looking back I would ahve accepted a room that was the "playspace" in our home much more easily.

As a top (I switch now) I would not want my sub to be uncomfortable playing, but would encourage her to play a little, gently at first and then as she becomes more comfortable, longer and harder play would follow.

Haron said...

I much prefer to play in my own space. Everything is set up my way, I know where all the toys are, and don't feel embarrassed about using the entire house the way I want. In other people's spaces I feel quite constrained and shy.

Rebecca said...

For me it's quite mixed - the freedom that kinky flatmates gives you is great because it means you *can* play without having to worry about others. I also have had control issues though - I think it's a subconscious desire to keep my space 'just so'. I find more 'good girl' spankings and more sexual scenes work well but scenes in which the Dom is trying to punish me and I think it's unfair result in a bit of a battle of wills and I find it much harder to back down in my space than I would elsewhere.

Kaelah said...

I find it as easy to play at my place as at any other place where I don't have to be afraid of disturbing anyone. Ludwig and I have played light-hearted as well as more serious scenes at my place and I never had any problems with it. But maybe that's because we don't do anything like real-life DD? I can imagine that it could be harder to submit to a real-life punishment in my space...

Anonymous said...

Ive never had a particular problem playing in my space (other than fear that my neighbors would hear), but I also far prefer playing elsewhere.

J's house was much more secluded and I could let go and make a lot more noise without worrying about the neighbors. But more than that, leaving my home to play was like shedding a layer. It allowed me to let go of whatever vestiges of my daily life were clinging on and be solely focused on the kinky dynamics and experiences.

Kami Robertson said...

I have never, ever though about it before. But now I do actually recall not being able to play at my place the only time I had a chance.
And I completely agree with the my house my rule how on earth can feel submissive difficulties! Also for me it just feel too close to real life to cope.