Monday, January 25

Cuddles, Confusion and Catharsis

I'm just back from a lovely long weekend with my kinky friends. Although some people couldn't make it, and were very much missed, it was a great weekend of hanging out, chatting and catching up, of helping tops to buy canes and whips in antique shops (!) and sight seeing around the English countryside. Not to mention a lil bit of kinky fun thrown in for good measure.

For me I mostly enjoyed the hanging out, the high spirits between the girls, cuddles with the tops and the hysterical board games (including spankopoly where girls got spanked for ending up in jail!).

Although I ended up playing very casually on Friday evening along with most of the girls, being whacked by some top or other in the spirit of giddiness and bratiness, play really took a back seat for me.

That's mostly because I am in a strange place kink wise, not being up for anything overly hard or too deep in terms of headspace. I have no idea why my kink is so absent. There's been no bad scene or anything more stressful than usual in real life.

I've noticed it waxing and waning over the month with two things really worrying me. Firstly any play I have done has hurt beyond belief, even though I know the tops are going easy on me. My pain tolerance seems to have disappeared completely.

The other is that I'm finding it hard to get enthusiastic about roleplay. Imagining playing a scene makes me uncomfortable and planning is too much effort. For someone for whom roleplay is a huge part of the kink it's weird to think it so abhorrent.

More experienced people than me have reassured me that kink and degrees of kinkiness will always come and go, that it's not unusual to feel like this, that I should stop worrying and go with the flow.

But I can't help but be frustrated at the wasted opportunities. Like the weekend gone by when Juliet was spanking Caoilfhionn and being deliciously evil. I gave her no chance to go further or to extend the scene, just grateful to get through the punishment at all.

Or the school scene we did on the last night. Eliane, Haron, Caroline and I all caught having a party by a surprise visit from our housemasters. It started off with raucous laughter and cheekiness, fuelled in no small part by a large stash of candy.The finding of a banned sugary substance was the final nail in the coffin. Each of us was strapped and caned in turn. As a prefect I had to go last for the first punishment.

Usually I thrive on these scenes; my nerves stretched to breaking point having to listen to the others go before me and then taking my own hard strokes. This time I was worried and upset for the other girls, not in character at all. And when my own turn came I was equally relieved and angry at how easy the masters went on me. My body language screamed defiance but I muddled through to the end, confused and frustrated.

HH knowing me as well as he does, understood my anger and frustration. Sitting beside me he looked at me long and hard. A look that spoke volumes: 'I know you're in a strange place right now, I understand you can't let go, I know you're frustrated.' Just looking at him the tears started to fall and when he told me gently, but firmly, I needed a spanking I could only nod in agreement.

I knew he was only going to give me a handspanking but I needed more than that. Wordlessly I fetched the hairbrush and handed it to him. As it rained down hard over my bottom I kicked and yelped and struggled for the first two minutes. But he kept the pace up, hard and fast, until I gave in and started to cry. Another minute and I was sobbing. He then switched to his hand and gently spanked me until I was calm and needing hugs.

It didn't restore my kinky self, but I was relieved that at least I could still achieve catharsis. I guess I'll just have to be patient and be happy that my kinky friends still love me and I still love them, even when I'm not on kinky form.


Indy said...

Aw, EJ, this post made me feel for you. Nothing saps my level of kinky energy more than being tired, especially when I get a bit run down. I'm sure it was a bit frustrating hanging around with such lovely kinky friends and not feeling yourself, but I'm glad you got to see everybody anyway.

catherine said...

Your last comment said it all, my lovely. Love you to bits whether you're feeling kinky or not. Kink is just how we met, it's an aspect of friendship but not a vital part.

And unless you want to and it works for you, you don't have to keep testing yourself or others.

Big hugs! xxx

Eliane said...

Be easy on yourself, OK? Whatever you say, it has been a pretty fraught two months, even over Christmas you got very little chance to have just rest. And remember that even if the kink was lost and gone forever, me (and all of us) would still love and treasure you as our friend. Yes, we would be upset for you as we know you would feel the lack of kink, but it wouldn't change who you are and what you mean to us. 'Kay??

Henry Higgins said...

{{hugs}}. You know we love you whether you're kinky or not.

After that last scene, when I came to sit by you on the sofa, I think my exact words were "I think you need to have your bottom smacked". You nodded and looked away, but I could see that you were holding back the tears. When you brought me the hairbrush, I knew that you needed it hard.

Afterwards, once your tears were done, your whole body language had changed. The happy, bubbly, affectionate side of you was back. Sometimes a spanking does so much good :-).

Tight hugs,


Haron said...

'Nah, don't want you unless you're kinky.'

Is that what you think a friend would say? Silly girl! *big hugs*

Scarlett De Winter said...

Ems, if you turned around tomorrow and said you officially renounced kink and you didn't want to play anymore we'd still love you for the reasons we do now: You're a warm hearted, funny, kind, sweet and loving person, that's why we care about you, not because we enjoy hitting you/getting hit with you. There are lots of kinky people knocking around, but our group of friends isn't just based on that.

Big hugs


Abel1234 said...

The school scene you mention - whilst having an excellent plot and being played by a wonderful group of friends - was actually quite challenging.

As ever, I guess I try to analyse things when scenes haven't worked out; to see what could have been done differently. I'm finding it hard to put my feelings about it into writing, but will try my best...

Everyone really wanted to play, yet it was evident as we did that the group collectively hadn't quite managed to immerse themselves fully into the headspace - and that it was proving tough for the line-up of girls to take and listen to the whackings that were being doled out.

When we did all click into role, it was wonderful. But whilst we managed to get through to the end of the scene, and I'm glad we did play, to do so took a fair amount of fortitude - and it was perhaps not surprising that it would leave some feeling a little shaken.

It's great to hear your perspectives on it, shared as ever so honestly, openly and bravely.

But on your wider point, you could give up on kink altogether and we'd still love you dearly...

Caroline Grey said...

Oh honey. I'm glad you got catharsis in the end, but I felt so much for you that evening. I know so well what that is like and I really admire the your ability to ask for and accept what you needed--I don't know if I could have.

It's really interesting to hear Abel talk about the scene. I could feel the stress of it all and was aware of and grateful for the really hard thinking and meauring and deciding that the tops were having to do. I would have called it a successful scene and I was glad that it was played, but it wasn't an easy one!

You know how well you're loved, you for your own self.

Spanking Catharsis said...


don't be too hard on yourself. Love yourself. Not as a narcissist but love yourself as you are loved by your friends here. Sounds like you have a great group o friends there. Sure the kinky part of you brought you together with them but the rest of your nature is what keeps them with you.

i dont know if i am making any sense at all so I'll just shut up now!


Master Retep said...

Every scene can't be perfect, however high our expectations. This kink thing is fun, sure, and its been the way that many of us have met up. But you also know that we love your company for its own sake. Even though its been quite a few months since you and I have played together, I have thoroughly enjoyed our more recent meetings in vanilla settings (although I still find it hard to think of that library as truly vanilla). Of course, your kinkiness is an important part of you, but its by no means all of you, and we love all of you.

EmmaJane said...

I am genuinely touched by all of your comments. Thank you so much.

Bit be warned, when the brat comes back full force and full time I shall remind you of this!!!


Jessica said...

Speaking as 'Juliet' - or any of my top scenarios - I can honestly say that I only really get off when I know the person I'm playing with is enjoying it - and I could sense, sweet thing, that you weren't quite there with me. But we all go through moments like that. Moments where you are desperate to get into the headspace and you try and try and try - and you can't. And then you want to scream with frustration. It's like trying to *make* yourself have an orgasm. Most girls can't do that either, the circumstances have to be right.

So what to do? Well, as everyone else has said, chill. It doesn't matter. We like you for you, not as a plank to hit. It will come back, I promise and you'll snap back to normal - but until then, if you berate yourself over it, it will take longer. It always does - law of sod and all that.

So just breathe and look forward to spending time with us all again. As Emma. Just as you xx

Huh Chuh said...


I can relate to your words about kink ebbing and flowing. Mine seems to be at an ebb right now. I agree that it is hard to watch such spankable moments pass me by... I am very glad that you have someone to help you and to be with you. Thanks for telling me about your experiences. It helps me to find peace with in my own.