Sunday, June 27

How deep is deep enough?

I'm trying to dissect my latest big scene. One played over the weekend with some of my closest play friends - HH, Abel, Haron and Catherine. Three tops, two bottoms. All people I trust 150%.

The scenario was that we were girls kidnapped to order, for eventual sale. We would be trained and prepared in advance to be compliant willing girls before we being passed on to our new owners.

My character Eva had been with the kidnappers 6 weeks and was already broken in - very meek and obedient. Catherine was just arriving and had to learn what they expected of her and Eva was to help in teaching her, just as the other girls had helped her.

For me it was a great scene - terrifying, painful and deep. Very, very deep. From the minute HH secured me to the whipping bench and told me they had brought a new girl to train in, I was gone. So much so that I was already in tears when Abel and Haron came into the room to tell me how important it was that I help the new girl. That I was such a good girl, so obedient, how much they liked me and hated to hurt me.

And deeper and deeper I went. A headspace fueled by Catherine's character Petals. I was genuinely worried for her character. Not Catherine who I know can break any top with her strength and stamina - she ceased to exist, it was always Eva and Petals, even when we were left alone.

Gone too were my lovely friends Abel, Haron and HH. In their place cruel and sadistic mercenaries. HH clinical in his duty to break the girl. Abel delighting in finding fault with Eva yet telling her how fond he was of her. Haron making Eva tremble as she suggested they might buy her back for their own amusement, when she was 'a little used up'.

Left naked on the whipping bench I could only listen as they dragged the new girl (Catherine) into the room, ordered her to strip then soaked her with freezing cold water when she refused to. They tied her cold and wet to a chair while they then beat me for her refusal to comply.

And so the scene went on - at the start I was beaten every time she refused to obey an order. Until I was sobbing aloud from the pain and pity of what they were doing to her, to us. But the worst part was when they made us face each other, and I had to raise my tear stained face to hers, to show her how much they were hurting me. And then their plan started to work - she began to comply.

It was a very long and intense scene where we were both beaten harshly. And I cried more when she was being whipped than I did when I was. At one point they ordered her to take her beating more quietly or I would be whipped again instead. The strokes seared down and she kept absolutely quiet just to save me. That made me cry all the more.

Playing us off each other really worked for me - as deep as I was it make me fall deeper. Wanting to protect her, take her beatings for her but also try to be quiet during mine so I wouldn't upset her. During one of my whippings they made me look into her eyes for each stroke and a huge energy passed between us as she willed me to be brave and I bit back the screams, taking her strength and using it. Right then it felt like we were winning a little battle all of our own.

But then they came up with a new torture for us - the wooden pony. A narrow plank of wood suspended from the ceiling. One at a time we were placed straddling it, legs held apart with a spreader bar, wrists cuffed to an elastic rope above. As the plank was winched higher until our legs were too strained to support us the pressure between our legs became unbearable.

The elastic above gave false hope. The more you pulled the lower it would drop down giving no relief. I begged without shame to be let down before they even started the official minute. The longest of my life. By the time I was done I was weak, completely broken and had to be lifted off the bench.

I didn't even feel my last strapping and didn't utter a word throughout it. I was gone - so deep I couldn't go any further. And somewhere deep inside, I was floating away.

I can't speak for the others but I'm hoping Catherine in particular will share her thoughts on this scene. It wasn't an easy one to co-bottom in with me - none of us could have predicted how deep I would go. And we hadn't considered it would also be the first time Catherine had ever seen me go that deep. Or that she would struggle with her character causing mine to suffer. We had intended for this element of it to get to her, and so it did. But we hadn't factored that she couldn't be sure that I, Emma Jane was very much getting off on it too.

And when the scene ended she also had to witness my struggle to come back from it. She confessed later to HH that she had been un-nerved somewhat by how deep I'd gone and asked him how he dealt with it. He calmly replied: 'I don't deal with it, I aim for it.'

Thing is I aim for it too. I live for these scenes where I can't think it out, can't hide my emotions, have to surrender myself completely. Because for me this is complete freedom and that's what kink is all about for me. But I'm wondering how it works for others? Am I alone in aiming to go this deep? Does it shock you to read of how far I go? Would you be comfortable witnessing or partaking in such a scene? Is there such a thing as too deep?


Karl Friedrich Gauss said...

I think I'm beginning to grasp, maybe for the first time, what this deep play you refer to is all about.

It's like everyday in the world we live in, we see things in a certain way, certain conventions are respected, we reaffirm to each other who we think we are and so forth. It our "consensual reality".

Well, from what I'm now gathering, the five of you have essentially conspired to create your own different version of consensual reality and you've lived in it very intensely for a few hours or however long you played. And the combined psychic energy you all put into it has made it much more real for you than your usual roleplay. What can I say? WOW!

And I, for one, would absolutely love to hear from Catherine how it was for her to live in this parallel universe you all created for a little while.

I'm thinking too that the fact that this was so powerful an experience should make it possible for you all to go back into your roles in this parallel universe at whatever time you choose to do so, and bring that intensity back up quicker than you could if you were starting something new totally from scratch. Maybe a little like Lowewood?

And did I say thanks for writing and sharing this with us, Emma Jane? No? Well, thanks so much!

Abel1234 said...

I just love the way you've described this. It was a remarkably intense scene - the sort that could only be played by the closest, most trusting of friends.

I went incredibly deep, too - very much in character, having decided that I wanted to be dark and cruel. And I think I was - more so than I usually let myself be in scenes.

I don't think I was able to lose myself *quite* to the same total extent as you seem to have done, as I was trying to make sure - with HH and Haron - that the scene flowed, went well, that both you and Catherine were comfortably uncomfortable - in other words, that we were involving you both fully and equally, and that we weren't pushing either of you too far or not far enough.

It's lovely to read your account, and I know it's a post that I'll re-read regularly to bring back the most intense memories.


Scarlett De Winter said...

That's a wonderful account of the scene, one of those ones where I sort of just "get" you. I adore that moment in play when you realise that your own EJ or Scarlett thoughts don't belong in your head anymore.

For me, that's an amazing place to reach and I love it, but it's certainly not something that I could do with any regularity. It's wonderful to be broken, but maybe being broken too often (I'm not implying that you are) would be a bad thing.

It's interesting that you're able to go into such a deep and emotional place in a group scene. Whenever I've reached something like that it's always been one on one. I'm not sure if I'd be able to completely 100% surrender myself in a group type scenario.

As I don't roleplay *that* much, I think sometimes I forget how powerful it is, that's certainly why I loose patience with people who seem to set BDSM without roles as "better" than RP, it has the most amazing way of making you reveal new and vulnerable parts of yourself.

EmmaJane said...

@Abel yes I think you went as far as a top can, as in that you had to stay in control. Think you all did a great job and your character was particularly creepy with all that false niceness!

@Scarlett, thanks, glad you got it, so hard to get this stuff across. As for going so deep within a group I think I can only do it with certain people and in the right context, but yes it is very powerful :)

Catherine said...

EJ, you know this was a really difficult scene for me. As you've referred to, I'd never actually seen you go deep into headspace before, though of course I've read your posts here and discussed it with you. Add to that the fact that I've been getting frustrated with myself lately over the fact that I don't seem to be able to tap into anything similar - I can fake it to a degree but my roleplay is just that - play.

So yes, I was unnerved when I realised you were in floods of tears before I was led into the torture room, all ready to be a defiant, freshly-kidnapped posh girl. And when my smallest defiant act or moment of hesitation just led to this poor, naked, crying girl to be whipped - I found that incredibly tough to take. Actually I think I hated it. I became so protective of you that I couldn't concentrate on what my own character should be feeling. I forgot that you have said you like to go deep and that Abel, HH and Haron are people I can trust with your welfare and people who love you and have seen you go deep before.

As a result, the scene wasn't so great for me at the time. I can deal with getting myself into trouble, but getting you into trouble was really messing with my head and as a result I switched off, went into survival mode.

Now, of course, we've talked through it. I realise that I should have thought this might happen, that perhaps I should have been more psychologically prepared for it. That the others have seen you in similar states before, and that it's somewhere you want to go, not somewhere I need to rescue you from.

So, I guess, maybe next time we play something similar and you go deep, I might be able to let go a bit more and handle it a bit better.

Hugs to all four of you lovely, horrible, twisted conspirators for taking me to some pretty confusing places - and for bit by bit, bringing me out the other side ;-)


Henry Higgins said...

A remarkable account of a remarkable scene. I loved the way you went so deep so quickly. It's right that that's something I aim for and like to see, with you at least. This was one of the most intense scenes I've been involved in.

Of course different players have different needs. We knew that Catherine wanted to go deep too, and that she has some difficulty letting go enough to do it. She has a high pain tolerance, so we devised the scheme to "punish EJ for Catherine's disobedience" to try to circumvent that. If we hadn't done it that way then Catherine would have been the only one to be punished, and I know you wouldn't have liked that! It _seemed_ to be working: Catherine quite quickly started to do as she was told, and she's such a good actress that none of us realised she was finding it so tough to take.

I'm not sure what to take home from it all, but it's certainly an illustration of how difficult it can be to devise a scene that works well for several people. In this case it was great for me!

NicD said...

Emma Jane
Thanks for sharing such a deep experience with such intensity in the writing. It struck a really deep chord. I role play in a different sphere and I could connect with both yours and Catherine's experience. We take it in turns (by need ?) to be the core of the drama and when it's my scene it is alway like freefall, don't know where you'll land but have absolute faith in your own ability to survive not because of your parachute but because ground control have a safety net. It is just amazing letting what comes come. But when I am part of someone else's scene and I am following the moment I have periods of wanting to protect/make safer and it is much harder leting go even when I know it is ok. I see with much more clarity through what you have said just how special the person is who creates the trust and courage for us to jump and hold the net in turn. Guess I am now wondering who holds the net for him -given that we are often strangers when we start to play. Sometimes it makes going back to mundane reality just a little bit less deep and connected.

Rebecca said...

Sounds like a very intense scene. I don't think you can go too deep as long as you and the people you are with are comfortable with it (not during the scene but afterwards/to go to that place) and able to deal with the cuddles and emotional support that can be needed during the fallout - which you guys certainly can. I think that you do have to be in the right place mentally for that sort of scene though or it can be really hard.

Eliane said...

How deep is too deep? For me, as you probably know, that would be WAY too deep, and watching you in something like that would probably be very upsetting for me. On the other hand, I recognise that you absolutely need scenes to go that deep sometimes, and that it's an incredible experience for you.
I think it's that variety of how we all play, that, to overuse a cliche, can bring spice to what we do. It's also so interesting to analyse our own reactions to other peoples desires and play. Thought provoking, as ever.