Like the way it hurts...

For a minute forget all the deep scenes I've written about. Forget my love of roleplay and discipline. Forget that the pain is just means to an end. Forget I'm all about headspace. Forget that I'm not a masochist. Forget that I cry easily.

Because sometimes all that goes out the window.

Like at the weekend at Eliane's latest party. I couldn't get enough pain. I wanted more and more. So high with adrenalin I barely felt it. I wanted to be hit over and over, with anything hard, but the cane in particular. Breathing ragged as I took each stroke, revelling in staying in position, delighting in the occasional cheeky grin at my tormentor. And flying even higher as each session concluded.

And at times like that it's so hard to believe that there are instances where I can't play at all. Where a hand spanking makes me whimper or even 6 cane strokes is a horrific ordeal. How can that be so?

The difference I've come to realise is the energy levels involved. If you've met me you'll probably agree I have quite a bit of energy going on myself most of the time, and even some to spare. (More than one person has called me the energiser bunny and that's as much vanilla as kinky.)

At such an event like this party or Nimhneach my energy levels turn sonic as I feed off the energy in the room. In this case the fabulous kinkeratti in attendance.

It makes me want to talk to everyone at once. To dance and skip and jump. Inspires me to the most ridiculous acts of devilment and makes me want to play. To play hard and fast, getting higher and higher on adrenalin. And when I'm that high I just want more and more.

Luckily I usually find willing partners to give me as much as I want, (or at least as much as is responsible) until I'm sated and happy. And while it's a million miles away from the tearful release of deep headspace I find it very cathartic in its own way. To know that you've pushed yourself to your limits, endured such pain and yet still kept smiling. Cos sometimes I just like the way it hurts.