Saturday, January 22

Write me a story...

Sometimes it's hard to convey your fantasies.  I don't just mean the embarrassment, or coyness (As Not an Odalisque puts it) of actually saying the words. 'I want to be spanked', 'Will you cane me?', 'Will you put me over your knee and spank me?'. None of these are words that are easy to write or say, so often we don't. We start by saying we're kinky, we might even say we're into CP, backed up by various references to Roald Dahl and Enid Blyton. There, that's enough to start with; I didn't actually have to say the squirmy words, spank, or bottom or over the knee but we're on the same wavelength now.

And even when arranging play, again we often return to the abstract. I need to be dealt with, at a push you might admit needing punishment. But we don't talk of the detail, of wanting a bottom bared and placed over someone's knee to be spanked. Below is an abstract of my first email to HH, in response to a Fetlife message he sent me and it's a text book example of abstract talking!

"...I'm sure we do indeed have a lot in common. I'm still exploring what I am into, but spanking, CP and roleplay are core for me. I LOVE rolepay and I LOVE playing with people who get as into as I do; I get totally lost in the scene and it's amazing..."

(Of course sites like Fetlife make the whole business easier, we list all the kinky things we think or know we're into, for easy perusal by interested parties.)

Once we've satisfied ourselves that the person is someone we'd like to actually play with, we by necessity need to get into the detail. Of scenes and limits and squicks and potential minefields. Not just because it's vital for safe and responsible play, but to also give the scene the best chance of actually being fulfilling.

That naturally raises the confusion of trying to figure out what you're actually into, and to know what your limits are. But as painful as it is, the limits list can he helpful. Little ticks on carefully compiled lists, in the privacy of one's own personal unease that can be sent off with a bright and breezy mail. Trying to convey nonchalance whilst we squirm inside and give thanks it wasn't a conversation had face to face.

But even if none of the above phases you, even if you can easily talk about your kink, your limits and what you want and need in detail, it's still very hard to convey your own personal fantasies. Those that are constructed and refined over weeks or months, played out over and over, whilst you both direct and perform not only your role but also the top's too. How do you convey all this to the top? And how realistic is it that you can ever play a scene that you've put so much thought into? How can the top ever deliver?

It's an issue top of mind for me at the minute as I plan an upcoming weekend with HH. In our early correspondence I mooted the idea of a particular fantasy I'd had forever. A very dark and potentially squicky fantasy. We discussed it at length at the time before I pulled back from it, not sure it would work for me.

That was almost two years ago. Now I find it on my mind once more, and again we're talking about possibly doing it. Although HH conscious of the potential minefield it may be, will make the final call on the day as to whether we proceed.

So now I find myself fantasising about this scene, with HH in role, using dialogue I know him capable of, but scripted by me. I can clearly see his face and his expressions, I can guess what he might do, how he might react to my character and almost what it would feel like. This is not a good thing. Partly because it's so hard to share this level of detail, but mostly because HH cannot and will not be dictated to for the entire scene.

Therefore we've agreed I'll write the fantasy in a story that we can draw inspiration from. And instead of using the story to dictate the nuances, I need to convey what makes the fantasy so compelling. What are the things that make my character tick, what is likely to trigger a deep scene, what are the key things she needs to hear or see. And for him, what is the context for his character being in this situation, what motivates him, what is his general attitude and tone.

I've used stories in the past in the same way, with both HH and Abel and whilst the stories have been generally too badly written to share with anyone else, they achieved their purpose. Thus, that is my homework for the weekend, write him a story.


Kaelah said...

I can understand the difficulty to prepare such a complex scene, especially because it has been on your mind for so long. I also used the technique of writing a story twice, one time for my first-ever play (I didn't write down the whole story then, but some aspects) and a second time for the “witches and kings” storyline that had a special importance for me because it wasn't only our first play at a public place, it was also supposed to be the kinky “warm-up” for my first-ever vanilla sex.

The aspect of not taking too much control away from the top is a difficult one, though. Ludwig and I solved it in our initiation ritual by defining that the master would be in control of the conversation and that he would take over completely once the main initiation ritual (read: the spanking ;-) ) started. I cross my fingers that HH and you both get a lot out of your scene and that no red buttons are accidentally pushed.

Rebecca said...

Wow - I think it's great that you're coming back to an idea a long time after you first discussed it. Sounds like it's something quite special and major for you so I think it's very smart that you and HH are looking at the best ways to make it work and preparing by writing the story and things. Really hope it works for you xx

Pandora Blake said...

I totally hear what you're saying on the dangers of micro-managing a fantasy from the bottom. Writing it up as a story sounds like a really good way round it. I'm reminded of the process I go through when I'm turning a long-held, difficult fantasy of mine into a film - I write up a version of it, but then I give it to the toppy actors to make their own. This is why it can be helpful for edgier scenes to have a director who isn't me!

Really looking forward to hearing how this plays out for you. Of course I'd love to read the story, too - but will totally understand if it stays private! However it works out, I hope this generates some good and memorable experiences for you. xx