Consensual Non-Consent

A couple of blog posts by others have got me thinking about 'non-consent'.

Eliane writing about the power of the word 'no'. She likes being told it; I like saying it. And Kami's description about a very intense rape scene she did recently.

For me 'non-consent' is a powerful turn on. At the most basic level it's the underlying parameter to every spanking and punishment scene I do. Partly it's my get out of jail free card, allowing me to pretend I don't want (need) to be punished. Being forced to endure the punishment is half of the thrill in it. But mostly it makes it all the more realistic to be punished against your will. Real school girls, naughty little girls, reformatory inmates and so on, don't want to be punished; they just have to suffer what they're given.

And 'no' is a great word to reinforce the helplessness and impotency in a scene. I can say it, shout it, scream it, plead it; but to no avail. And that's extremely hot, especially if it's in a sex scene.

But the most important thing is we wouldn't enjoy any of these scenes if we had not previously given our consent. If we hadn't agreed to be punished, if we hadn't agreed to submit to sex, if we hadn't agree to be used. Otherwise it's just the other type of abuse that I certainly don't find hot.

Giving consent in advance to a trusted play partner allows the 'non-consent' in the scene to take place safely and enjoyably, for both parties. The fantasy is then created by the top/dom controlling how and when it happens and the bottom/sub screaming, crying, begging "no, please, stop, no, I don't want this", but the top continuing as he pleases.

His sense of power is heightened as equally as her despair is, making the scene work even better for both of them.

As this was on all my mind last night it's no wonder then that I had the following dream:

'I was held by a Domme that I knew, but had never played with. Limits had not been discussed. I was afraid and didn't want to play. I told her no over and over again but she ignored me, beating and violating me unmercifully. But I wasn't enjoying it. The only feelings I felt were fear. Then other people joined the scene, people I have played with before and trusted. I tried to to tell them I didn't want this, begged them to help me. But they just thought my pleas were part of the scene. They merely watched the Domme abuse me, enjoying my distress, not realising it was real, not knowing I wasn't at all turned on'

I'm still trying to figure out if the dream meant I really want to be abused, completely non-consensually. Or whether it was to remind me of safewording. Not once in the dream did I say it. Would she have stopped if I had? I'll never know.

But I do know for all my talk of non-consent and being controlled in a scene, I'll always have my safeword to stop if it becomes too intense or I can't handle it. And for the top's sake he must be able to trust me to use it. We're both equally responsible for the scene going wrong or going too far. Most of all we can't forget that 'non-consent' is just a carefully crafted illusion.

Not Catching the Modeling Bug

I've been thinking about spanking modeling a lot lately. When I first started my Internet searches the spanking porn I came across did not interest me in the slightest. Being overly sexual, no real story behind them, unrealistic scenarios and girls enjoying it?!

But in the last year I have found much better sites, or really I should say sites that better suit my interests. Ones that use real spanking fetishists, both tops and bottoms. Story lines that make sense, real reactions, proper spankings and canings, with the right details and build up. And over the last few months I've met a few of the models that I've been watching. Note to everyone else: when meeting two well-known (and really lovely) models for the first time, try think of a better opening line than, "Oh you look exactly like you should".

Then there's my good friend Caroline Grey who has just begun her modelling career. Before she made the momentous decision to go for it we chatted about it at length. What would it mean? Could she stay anonymous? Would her parents find out? Would she be good at it? Would anyone want to watch her? (With me making vigorous yes noises to the latter) She wrote an excellent post about how she came to her decision.

Since then I've modeled vicariously through her, getting such detailed reviews of the shoots she's done so far that I could almost have been there. When her first film debuted on Sound Punishment we watched it together, both of us squealing throughout it. I felt really proud of her for going for it and making such a great film.

I felt the same today when I looked at her first photo shoot on Northern Spanking (check it out!). She's a natural brat but also a talented actress; a great combination in spanking films . And she has so many ideas and brings so much more to a shoot than just a bottom to spank, that she's a perfect spanking model.

So the other day Caroline and I were having our regular 'when is EmmaJane going to model?' conversation. We have it every so often. The short answer is never. Not my thing , I wouldn't be any good at it, I'm not an actress etc., etc. Then that night I had a dream that completely summed up my real feelings on modeling.

I was in a spanking film, as an extra. Caroline was the leading spanko star and was being spanked in a school scene. I was one of several school girls witnessing it. To the director's annoyance I kept covering my face with my hands. Eventually after yelling at me to uncover it, he came over and asked what was I doing.

"I don't want anyone to see me" I mumbled, to which he replied "Well why are you in the film then?"

As I've posted recently almost none of my friends and none of my family know about my kink. So I would hate for them to find out through seeing me in action in a film. I love being kinky but I'm not 'loud and proud'. It's one part of my life, one part of me. I'm finally recognising that side of me and revelling in it but it's still not the be all and end all of me or my life. Vanilla EmmaJane still exists, the one with a career, family responsibilities and a great circle of friends. My challenge is in finding the right balance between the two, but that's a whole other post!

Another strike against modeling, and this is kind of vital for a model, I'd hate to think of people watching me. People that I didn't know and would never meet. In roleplay scenes I always feel the added embarrassment of being punished in front of others; it really adds to the scene. But thinking of being watched by strangers, on a TV or laptop freaks me out.

Then add to that all the usual insecurities a girl has 'Who'd want to watch me, I wouldn't be any good at it, I'm not thin/pretty/curvy/tall/small/tanned enough..' and the answer is definitely no. EmmaJane will not be coming to a screen near you (and is perfectly happy about it!).

All in the detail

I'm a girl and I like clothes (most of us do). Now, I may not be the most glamorous or stylish of girls but I do like to wear the correct clothes for whatever occasion I'm attending. Dressing appropriately for that job interview, or night out or meeting a boy's parents for the first time. Whatever it is, the right clothes give me confidence.

Well being kinky throws up a whole new set of occasions to dress for: club nights, schooldays, reformatories, historical re-enactments. The list is endless and I find it almost as much fun to plan and find the perfect outfit as actually wearing it and playing in it!

Of course my kindred spirit in the 'props and costumes department', as she calls it, is Caroline Grey. She probably out does me in the obsessiveness stakes and really comes into her own when organising 'school' club nights out, where a group of us attend in matching uniforms. Woe betide any member of the school not wearing the appropriate outfit (and that includes the teachers!). The only point I have to pull her up on is to fix her tie properly, which I'm fanatical about!

Unfortunately Caroline and I live on different sides of this island so we rarely get to shop together. Unless it's online and we're good at that. But luckily my vanilla friend who knows I'm kinky, (let's call her Lollipop from now on) comes in very useful here.

She's not just good at being my alibi and holding the details of where I am at various times, but just as importantly very helpful with finding outfits for my various kinky events. Many a Saturday morning we can be found wandering around our favorite shopping haunts. I never realised that shops in Dublin sold so many pervertible clothes. Sometimes they're a real treasure trove of kinky delights and I'm not talking about the over-priced sex shops.

So Lollipop, God bless her, always indulges my obssessiveness. Usually along the lines of me going 'I need a ribbon for my school hat, no that's not thick enough, no that's not blue enough' etc, etc. She doesn't even bat an eyelid when I muse over hot pants or a see-through skirt or no skirt at all. And when I try the whole outfit on for her she manages to say all the right things.

"Yes you do look very slutty in that outfit...no those hot pants aren't too long...yes I can definitely see your bum...mmmmm I agree those heels are very hookerish.."

Thus knowing I have the right outfit I set out to play, already half way there to having a great scene. It's equally important the other players are also dressed appropriately, no headmaster in black leather please and don't attempt to do a school scene with me if you're holding a whip or other such non-authentic implement.

And when we do school scenes at Nimhneach, they always seem to work out well even though we're in a club surrounded by all sorts of kinksters. I guess it's because when the headmaster, cane in hand, orders you to bend over, lower your knickers and raise your skirt, that everything else fades out. It's all in the detail.

Vanilla Flavours

I know there's much debate over the term vanilla and how it's used to describe non-kinky folk, but I for one quite like it and find it very fit for purpose.

Over time I've gone from a 'take it or leave it' attitude to vanilla flavours, to a complete dislike. Why choose vanilla when you can have yummy chocolate or tangy raspberry or bitter lemon or sweet orange? Vanilla just seems so bland and unsatisfying when you've experimented.

Similarly my kink has developed along the same lines too. From tolerating vanilla sex and partners, to being less and less interested, to where I am now: totally allergic!

So on my last vanilla date, with another of those eligible types my friends set me up with, I thought it only fair to at least test his level of vanillaness before I waved him bye.

Unfortunately he failed the first test spectacularly when I pointed out a group of hot girls in school girl uniform and his only comment was "oh, not another hen night". The second test didn't go much better when I ordered a cocktail, grinning that I felt like being naughty. He merely smiled and told me "sure why not". And it was all over when he ordered his dessert: ice-cream, vanilla flavored.

PS if you're reading this Mr Dateman and you're actually a complete pervert do let me know!

Park Life

It's been uncommonly sunny and warm around here lately so I've been spending a lot of time outside in the sunshine, taking advantage.

As I lay in the park the other day with a group of vanillas, I couldn't help but think it was nice to be in their company. Made all the nicer by not having to be on one's best behaviour all the time lest any toppy type thought you needed punishing. Like being made to stand in a corner with hands on one's head in full view of everyone else.

It was also a nice change not having to keep one's bottom out of the way of swatting hands, only too eager to make a point. Or worse, get nervous when anywhere near a tree. And indeed it was a great relief not having to worry about being ordered to bend over, with trousers down and get switched with so many unintentional voyeurs wandering by. Or for that matter, to be able to relax on the grass without suddenly being pinned down, stripped and molested by many hands.

Yes there's certainly a difference when you go to a park with your kinky friends instead of the vanillas. But of course I wouldn't have it any other way ;-)

Ireland: Land of Great Writers and Perverts

You learn something new every day. Guess what I learned today? James Joyce, one of Ireland's greatest literary sons (and we have many) was a total pervert. I say that with pride by the way and a certain satisfaction in knowing that while he wrote such complex tomes as Ulysses, he obviously knew how to entertain himself!

His predilections ranged from anal sex and spanking to water sports and scat play and are described in the letters he wrote in 1909, to his then lover (and eventual wife) Nora Barnacle.

One such excerpt from his letters to her is as follows:

"I wish you would smack me or flog me even. Not in play, dear, in earnest and on my naked flesh.... I would love to be whipped by you, Nora love!...to hear you call me into your room and then to find you sitting in an armchair with your fat thighs apart and your face deep red with anger and a cane in your hand.”

For a more detailed review of his letters check out Chelsea Summer's article, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Pervert on my new favorite site Filthy Gorgeous Things!

(Thanks to SpankBoss for for pointing me there in the first place)

Stepping Stones

Like most other kinksters, the Internet has played a huge role in my kinky development. For many the journey starts at typing your fetish into Google and then sifting through the wealth of information that comes back.

There then comes a point when you have to take that huge step and move offline if you want fulfillment. I consider myself very fortunate to have made that leap to where I am today; having the kinky time of my life.

Over the years certain websites have really helped to shape me kink wise. Reassuring me that I'm not 'weird'. Informing me. Helping me to explore and define what my kink is. Aiding me in accepting what I need and deciding the life I want. And most importantly, enabling me to make connections and friends that make that life possible.

This is not intended as a definitive list of the best spanking sites or blogs out there, but an acknowledgment of the part they played in bringing me to where I am today.

Pablo and Mija's Treehouse

I still remember the day I stumbled across this site back in 2002. I had only recently started my furtive searches for 'spanking' and most of what I came across was porn or stories unrelated to my kink which put me off .

The Treehouse was a ray of light: the first site I ever read that made me feel good about my kink. Reading Pablo and Mija's stories I felt such a connection with what they were doing. What they were describing was exactly what I wanted for myself, spanking in the context of a loving relationship. Equal partners with mutual respect, agreed rules and discipline.

At the time I was seeing a vanilla boyfriend who was open to spanking me even though it wasn't really his thing. I sent him links to their stories to help explain what I wanted when I couldn't articulate it properly myself. And they helped us to make it work.

Even though they don't update the site anymore, I continually return to it and read the stories over and over. It's still one of my favorite sites and a very happy place to hang out.

Spanking Writers

This site needs no introduction! It was the first blog I ever read, in fact when I came across it, I probably didn't even know what a blog was! Not only was I enthralled by the subject matter, but the opportunity to peep into a kinky couple's life.

I quickly realised they had lots of friends who connected through the site. Sometimes reading the comments was just as much fun as the posts themselves. It all pointed to a wonderfuly kinky life. One led by intelligent, regular people able to discuss all sides of their kink, from roleplay to real life to literary and historical references. It was comforting to think they were just normal people who were into spanking; just like me.

Spanking Blog

SpankBoss posts about all sorts of spanking related activities, not just CP and roleplay, so it helped me understand what else was out there. Once I discovered this site it became my gateway to so many other great sites. I still check in every so often to see what's new in the spanking world: so much easier than looking myself.

Spankfinder

So for years I lurked on spanking sites, watching from a safe distance. Sometimes obsessively reading for days on end and then being offline for weeks or months. But eventually the kinky call got stronger and reading was not enough: I needed more.

Then I discovered Spankfinder. Set up by Bethy (Dan's partner from the Spanking Blog) it's a personals site for meeting spanking friends and potential play partners. Having read Dan's blog for years I felt brave enough to put up a profile.

To my amazement there were already Irish people on the site, not that many but enough to confirm I wasn't the only spanking fetishist in Ireland! And there I met Frank and then Caroline. They were my first proper kinky friends and introduced me to the Irish scene. Since meeting them I haven't looked back :)

Fetlife

Finally to a site that I'm a huge fan of. Without it I wouldn't have made many friends outside of the Irish BDSM scene. While I've always been shy of posting on blogs or heaven forbid emailing the writers directly, I have no problem connecting on Fetlife.

So it's quite fitting that because of Fetlife I finally said hi to Abel and Mija. In a way I like to think it all came full circle; a full kinky circle.