Wednesday, October 28

Real discipline

I've written before that discipline is at the core of my kink. Which is why punishments like mouth soaping, hand tawsing, standing in the corner, being sent to be bed early (ideally with no supper!), the threat of being dealt with in public and having to write impositions are so hot for me. Not at the time of course, but just the actual thought of them, either in fantasy or looking back after the event.

A couple of years ago I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who was semi-kinky. Between us we developed a kinky relationship that worked for us both. Lots of hot and kinky sex (primarily for him but I wasn't complaining!) and lots of role play and discipline scenes (all for me.)

When I think back now I find it hard to believe the type of relationship we had or how we made it work for so long. We were functioning almost on some domestic discipline level, but only as and when I felt like it.

I very much controlled things from the bottom, giving him clear signals on what he could punish me for and when I was in the mood to be dealt with. It was a very tricky situation for him, trying to read me properly. While it was horribly frustrating for me as I had to resort to telling him when he should punish me, or that he had missed an opportunity to do so.

In the end we came up with the discipline diary. In it I had to record all the things worthy of punishment and an appropriate punishment for them. Each week he would look at it, express disappoint and give me the exact punishment listed for the week!

I found this diary buried amongst a lot other rubbish when I moved house. Once of the entries was as follows: Tuesday - missed two lectures = 12 whacks with hairbrush

Looking back now I can admit it was a preposterous charade of discipline. In all honesty it was just an extended roleplay scene that manged to make me feel like I was being disciplined although I wasn't really. But I guess it worked in a fashion, at least for a while.

In the past year I've played with many people and had countless wonderful scenes. Mostly roleplays of schools and reformatories and what not along with some very light spur of the moment scenes where I've been a brat or been getting into mischief with other brats.

While I truly love this type of play I still want to explore 'discipline'. And I don't mean domestic discipline or the fake roleplay discipline of above. But discipline for real life things, punishments for me, not a crafted scene with Emma Jane or one of the many other alter egos. Being sent upstairs to be dealt with for some infraction, as and when it happens. Not a role play. A proper punishment that the top wants to administer for more than the turn on of playing. The desire to change something in my behaviour. And I don't mean punishments that results from bratting to high heaven. Cos that's not discipline, that's a fun game!

This subject is one I've been chatting through with HH lately, in advance of my visit this weekend.

In one of my mails I told him:
I'd also like to do more real life stuff, but not with me bratting you majorly, just for things that you'd prefer I didn't do. My mind is in a real need to be disciplined place right now...
His reply showed that as usual he understands where I'm coming from and what I need. But also acknowledges that what I'm asking for is not easy to do and there is a risk involved, on both sides. So we've agreed that it's something we'll explore.

As he says:
I think the "realer" things can't be pushed. It's very good to have consent to explore them (consentual non-consent, of course) but the spaces where it can happen mustn't be rushed. So we will wait until the right opportunity presents itself. And then you may regret your offer...
Hmmm, that's another thing he's probably right about, I may just regret it indeed!


Life and Other Indoor Sports said...

Hi! Thanks for following me on Twitter - I hope to do the same. :) This entry is awesome -- it's VERY much me. I crave the same things you do, and I've had trouble finding someone who is similarly wired. It's good when you do -- but sometimes I do have to be reminded that in a lot of ways, it's harder for the one dealing out the discipline than for those of us taking it. My ex reminded me a few weeks ago, "I have to be in the mindset, too, ya know!" Yeah ... I do know. I just forget that they don't have a Disciplinarian On/Off Switch.

AngieNC said...

CRAP! That was supposed to be LOVE and Other Indoor Sports. LMAO ... Anyway, it's Angie from the PB. :)

Paul said...

EmmaJane, seems to me you are heading for a D/d lifestyle?
As HH says, it has it's difficulties and dangers.
Interesting and revealing post, thank you.
Warm hugs,

Caroline Grey said...

It's a strange and deep and interesting arena of play, the "real life" stuff. I often crave it but am not particularly good at it--it requires giving up so much control, in ways that are not hot. And it requires so much trust, trust that can be hard to muster some days, even when you really love and know your partner. I'm not talking about trust that the Top won't injure you or whatever.

It can be dangerous because you have to be able to tolerate really strong doses of unpleasant emotions like resentment and even feelings of dislike and abandonment--because they can arise in this context, even if they don't last. It can be hard on a relationship to stare these things in the face and come back after them.

I know for a lot of people there's a payout that makes it worth all these things. For myself I'm not sure yet.

PaulaK said...


That's really pushing the boundaries between real life and 'play'. I think there are still ways to have a very fulfilling experience with all the necessary ingredients if you have the right people involved. I'm not sure that having it full-on for real would be for everybody. But maybe it's for you so if so, hope you enjoy it!


EmmaJane said...

Thanks for all the comments guys. I guess I should clarify that I'm not looking for a full on discipline relationship.

Just sometimes instead of doing a role play scene I want to be punished for real, cos that feels like being discplined. ANd HH is wary of that, as am I, cos there are a million things I would not be happy to be punished for, being well able to make my own decisions and take the consequences of them.

So the balance is in fixing things that aren't bratting but have disciplinary consequences. These will not be things that influence my job or my vanilla life in any huge way.

I'll let you all know if it works out ;-)


MecIrlandais said...

Just on the diary thing. Don't knock it, it sounds like a good solution to your problem of getting what you needed from someone who wasn't on exactly the same kinky wavelenght as yourself. A little contrived yes but if you only write down real things it could work well, especially if you forgot something or left something out you believed he didn't know about but actually did. Then you could really be for it.

Also, I had to laught at the "missed 2 lectures-12 with the hairbrush" these days thats not even going to be the begining of teaching you a proper lesson to remember!

Happy autumn!

Ross said...

Discipline is at the core of my kink, too. I look forward to reading about your experiences with it.

Abel1234 said...

There *is* such a different dynamic to r/l discipline, isn't there? It's true for the top as well: the actual administration of the punishment is the same, physically, but so different mentally.

It's why "12 with a hairbrush" *might* actually prove to teach you a lesson if it were for something real life - whereas that would hardly tickle you in a scene.

I've also always found there to be a big difference between 'immediate' r/l punishment ("come upstairs now, young lady") and a disciplinary regime that involves more belated whackings ("I'll deal with that at the end of the week / when I next see you / etc."). I've always struggled to be any good, as a disciplinarian, at the latter for some reason.

PS if you ever want to borrow a scanner to scan in that old discipline diary...