Monday, May 18

A Painful Awakening

I spent all of 5 minutes coming up with a name for this blog. As is the way with most things with me, I decided on impulse to create it and once I make my mind up, I'm all action. So a name was needed quickly.

Apart from the fact most great kinky blog names are taken, which left me with limited options, 'a painful awakening' floated into my mind all by itself. It's exactly how I'd describe my kinky journey: from ignorance to denial to acceptance.

The more I read and talk to fellow kinksters it seems to be a similar journey. We all have those initial feelings as an innocent child; you don't know what they mean but you quickly learn it's best not to share them. You enjoy the thrill of coming across punishment and discipline in books and films.

Many happy hours are spent day-dreaming of a world with rules and punishments. As you develop sexually you realise these thoughts are very powerful and can result in great pleasure. Your friends fantasise about kissing George Clooney, you fantasise about being put over his knee and spanked. Periods of shame and self-loathing, always followed by a determination to cure yourself of this sickness.

The first attempt at self-spanking, culminating in more self-loathing and another resolution to get over this thing. Denial that this is important. That first furtive attempt to hint at your needs to a vanilla partner and not quite succeeding. More denial and self loathing. Discovering the Internet and a world you feel you'll never be apart of. Sense of loss for something you've never had.

Emotionally painful.

To finally plucking up the courage and reaching out; connecting with the world you've been coveting from afar. Discovering who you really are. Making new friends, going to new places and hiding it all from your closest friends and family.

Confusingly painful.

To moving out of your comfort zone: new scenes, new implements, harder strokes, new partners.

Physically painful.

To feeling free and comfortable in your own skin, to feeling accepted: for the first time.



Eliane said...

Yay!! Welcome to blog land. That's such a wonderful description of the journey that so many of us are on. Though of course I got slightly distracted after the "George Clooney OTK spanking" bit and may have had trouble concentrating for a while.

Caroline Grey said...

Yeah, my mind wandered somewhere as well.

You'll be a great addition, and I expect to sneakily gather ammunition to use against you whenever possible. So, uh, don't censor yourself. :)

No, seriously, I'm so glad you're blogging. I think your head is one I will very much enjoy looking into.

MecIrlandais said...

Very descripitve & understood all the feelings you experienced as I went through them myself, bar maybe the daydreaming of MrClooney. Quality blogging.

EmmaJane said...

Thanks for the encouragement :)

Rebecca said...

Hope it has been painful in a good way - although it can be hard to hide things from family and friends it's equally great meeting new ones :)