Thursday, March 18

It was the day after St Patrick's Day...

...and I was a little worse for wear. At the last minute (8:55) I text my boss and asked for the day off and he obliged. Just as well as I wouldn't have made it out of bed and into work in 5 minutes.

I had a nice lie-in and when I could sleep no-more I opened my laptop and caught up with the online world - Fetlife, Caroline's Blog, Spanking Writers, Lowewood Academy.

At this stage I had been active in the Irish scene from late October 2008, going to Nimhneach every month and a regular socialiser on Fetlife. But I was still very shy online. Lurking on all the sites I'd been reading for years and afraid to comment. I just about had the courage to comment on Caroline's blog, and that was just cos I knew her!

But when I spotted Abel had joined Fetlife I felt bold enough to say hi. I always figure that people are on Fetlife to meet other kinksters and it's safe enough that you can reach out to someone and if they don't reply well that's OK; no-one else will know. Not like a comment conspicuously on a blog for all to see.

Anyway I did say hi and below is exactly what I wrote. It might look bright and breezy but I agonised over every word. Although I may have over done it on the ego stroking. But hey it worked!

Now don't go telling Abel, but I was very excited when he replied a short while later, and the conversation went on from there. That was a year ago today and the start of a very exciting journey into the next stage of my kinky adventures that would bring me on to meet some very dear people: you know who you are.

So kids the moral of this story is: pluck up the courage and reach out. And if you don't know what to say you can copy my words below. It just might be the start of some very beautiful friendships!

Hi Abel,

Welcome to Fetlife, your profile pic made me smile. I presume that's your own collection?

I have been following your blog for years. It was probably one of the first blogs I ever started to read when I started out on the Interent! I still remember how excited I was to think that there were other people who were into the same things as me, discipline, rolepay and school scenes to name a few :)

Oh and I have to thank you and Haron for pointing me towards Lowewood Academy, I'm pretty much addicted to it and read every update exactly at 12 each day. I have a suspicion that you both write for it ;) Anyway the quality of writing and plotlines is excellent!

After years lurking on the Internet I finally got active on a few sites last September and got invlved in the public scene in Ireland. Have met some great people and had a lot of fun ;)

Anyway I'll stop rambling on now (it is the morning after St Patrick's Day here)I just wanted to say hi and if your travels take you to Dublin I'd love to hear from you.


Emma Jane


Paul said...

EmmaJane, good for you girl, may you go from strength to strength.
Warm hugs,

Graham said...

Aw, this post made me smile : )

Listen to Emma Jane, shy readers the world over! She is most wise. Reach out just a little, and it's amazing what you'll get in return.

Master Retep said...

How true. As you well know, I only started my public scene connection a month or so later. Yours was one of the first blogs I found and I can still remember the thrill when I realised you were writing from my home town. That came as such a surprise and was the first intimation I had that I might actually get to mingle with famous internet names, like you.

I, too, have reason to thank our mutual dear friend Caroline. She was the first person, other than my Bandree, to play with me, and in public too.

All of you lurking out there afraid to comment or make other contact - these are really nice approachable people. I still have to pinch myself to to make sure the last year wasn't a dream. I walk down streets to work reciting all the names I know now as friends who were either unknown, or better still distant famous, names a year ago.

Eliane said...

Well, I for one am very glad that you skived the day after St Patrick's Day :-)

Scarlett De Winter said...

Aww that's such an aweomse story, I'm so glad it worked out as it did. Happyface!

catherine said...

Can only echo the other comments - very glad you did pluck up the courage to write otherwise I might not now have been able to count you as a top friend, both nillawise and kinkwise! Thanks, St Paddy ;)


Abel1234 said...

I couldn't be happier that you decided to write :-) Thanks for a lovely first year of friendship xx

Anonymous said...

I don't know if anyone ever comes back to comments when they are no longer on the most recent post, but after reading the post and Graham's comment, I have to try. I can't believe how nervous I am right now! This is officially my first de-lurk ever.

I am decidedly a shy kinkster. I'm not even completely sure this is what I want. I have fantasized about spanking since I was four or five. I never thought there was anything normal about wanting to be spanked until I happened upon some internet spanking stories by chance. I discovered domestic discipline, and was fascinated to realize there were adults that actually spanked each other beyond a playful swat. One day, I was on a Q&A site where a member had linked his kinky blog. From there, I discovered much more of the blogging world, and found that there were people interested in role-play rather than giving up complete control of their lives as in domestic discipline. This appealed to me much more. This blog was the first for which I went back to the very first post and read everything. Following Emma Jane's journey helped me understand myself so much more. Since then, there have been many times that I almost came out after an interesting post, but I always got too afraid and navigated away (I'm not even sure if I'll actually hit publish after I write this one, but either way it's farther than I've gotten before).

But it seems that for every question answered by articulate, intelligent bloggers, I just wonder about myself that much more. I've fantasized about this practically forever. But what if I try it and hate it? It seems tragic to ruin all of my good fantasies and possibly traumatize myself with a horrible experience. What if I can't take as much as my fantasy-self imagines? What if I can take it, but I discover it's just not for me? I don't know if I could handle the disappointment if I were repulsed by the experience rather than delighted.

Then, perhaps this is all wasted energy. The play dates sound like great fun, but I can't see myself ever being that intimate with anyone besides my husband (I'm currently engaged). And I honestly don't know if I could get him to spank me. I took me a year to pluck up enough courage to comment on a blog of strangers who are likely inclined to be understanding. How can I ask him for something that could be very disturbing for him to consider? He promised he would never hurt me, and I don't know if this counts. It's frightening to ask him for something I'm not even completely sure I want, especially since he would also be entirely inexperienced. I don't know how to get him to understand this part of me, when I don't even understand it myself.

I guess I don't really know what it is I was trying to say. Perhaps I'm just reaching out in hopes someone will be understanding, and maybe even provide some insight. Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read this ramble. And thank you to Emma Jane and Graham for giving me the courage to speak up. Perhaps someday spanking will move from my fantasies to actuality.

-Cat (If I just took someone's name, feel free to let me know. I'll gladly come up with something else.)

Abel1234 said...

@Cat - congratulations on plucking up the courage to delurk, and on your engagement. I know how hard it can be both to write down your thoughts, and then to share them - I was similarly nervous when I first ventured online. If you have Emma Jane and Graham as your inspiration, both lovely people, you can't go far wrong! I hope your comment gets replies and doesn't get too lost at the foot of a post a couple of days ago.

It goes without saying that you need to take your own decisions as to what feels right and appropriate for you. Don't ever feel pressured by other people's experiences into feeling that you ought to do things in real-life if you're not truly comfortable. But in delurking, it seems like you've already taken a first big decision, by deciding that you at least want and need to explore your interests online.

A perspective, if I may. It sounds as though spanking is a very deep-seated interest for you. Fighting it, suppressing it, pretending it's not something you want to explore doesn't seem like a recipe for happiness. And the countless friends I have who've embraced their kink have, I think without exception, been glad that they've done so. I know that's been true for me - amazingly so - and that I've met some wonderful people in the spanking community.

But meeting people seems like a secondary step for you, from what you say. For your fiance to spank you, if that's what you want, woudn't be "hurting" you - it'd be the very opposite: helping you to be happy, fulfilled, in touch with your real feelings, and not having to hide away your real interests. I don't know whether he's ever shown any signs of interest in kinky activity, but I do think that talking sounds like a good idea.

That doesn't have to be a full-blown outing of all of the things that you like, and that this is so core to you, if that doesn't feel right. Perhaps a playful approach might work - draping yourself over his knee, making suggestive comments about the potential uses for the wooden spoons in the kitchen; seeing if he takes the hint. Reading a book with kinky aspects, and sharing with him that you like it. Giving him the URL of a piece of spanking writing that you like, and asking what he thinks.

Only you can know what'll work best with him. But if your close enough to have decided to spend the rest of your lives together, then I'd guess you're close enough to be honest and open with each other - and I rather doubt a kinky girl would be that attracted to someone entirely vanilla. You never know what he might like...

Hope that helps. And the best of luck on your journey. There are lots of friendly folks out here who'd love it if it all works out for you :-)

(Sorry for the long comment!)

Eliane said...

Welcome to the land of commenting. I know how much courage it takes even to pluck up that first step, so well done!
A few comments on your comment.
1) I have been interested in spanking since, well 8 or 9 is what I can remember. I too was frightened that after having all these wonderful fantasies, I would discover that I actually hated it it real life. I won't lie and say my first few experiences were mindblowing, because they weren't, but they were OK enough to let me know that this was only going to get better in real life. So please don't be afraid of giving it a try.
2) The internet is littered (in a good way) with blogs by women who have been in "vanilla" marriages for years and who eventually had the courage to come out and tell their husbands what they wanted, and it has only made them closer.
One example is PK's New Beginnings:
She had been married to her husband for 20 years before she came out. Even now she sometimes gets embarrassed about what she wants so emails him! That's maybe worth trying if you don't feel you can open the conversation face to face.
3)Be prepared for a little resistance. He will have been brought up to think that hitting women is wrong. That obviously can make spanking a very worrying area for some men, but if you explain to him what it does to you, and how much you enjoy the idea, you will win him over, as if nothing else he loves you and will want to try something that you like :-)
4)Go slowly. As Abel (who is a wise man once in a while, but don't tell him I said that!) says, try sharing some pieces of writing you like, or a blog, or maybe a piece in a film with spanking? Don't try to rush things, give him time to adjust, but *do* try, as the last thing you want to do is go through life wondering what if. I didn't come out in this world until I was 32. I very rarely regret things in life, as there is little point, but this is one thing that I would "do-over" if I would.
Good luck, and remember most bloggers have their email addresses on their blogs, so if you want to write to us for advice/support, we may not have all the answers, but at least we can lend an ear.

catherine said...

Hi Cat

I'm with Eliane and Abel on this one. Take it slowly, but please think about talking to your fiance.

A book that might help is this: - might be worth broaching the subject yourself quite casually, and then leave it lying around...? Or a copy of Cosmopolitan, just leave it open at the "new ways to spice up your love life... bondage and spanking" section that they seem to have every month. Or you could start looking at lingerie websites (e.g. Agent Provocateur) and see how he reacts to the hitty toys section. Or, get him very drunk before mentioning it, then if it doesn't go quite as you'd hoped, you can always deny it!

After all, you are about to take a massive leap by marrying him. That means you must love and trust him a lot, and it probably means he's worth loving and trusting a lot. If he is worth it, then he will at least try to understand.

By the way, one thing I've noticed about men is that they're generally not open to taking on new ideas as quickly as we'd like. So you may find that his initial reaction isn't that favourable. But if you give the idea time to germinate, I suspect it would take hold after a while.

It took me several years to work this out - and finding a man with whom I *wanted* to realise it - but the primary reason for liking to be spanked is the sexual thrill. We can dress it up as domestic discipline or schoolgirl games, but ultimately that's why we do it. Biologically speaking, having your bottom spanked stimulates the pudendal nerve, which is wired directly to the clitoris. And what red-blooded man isn't quite happy to play games that turn his lover on?

As for you, there's no way of telling whether you'll like to play hard until you try it. But I can pretty much guarantee you'll like a gentle-to-firm spanking. So start there and work up if you find it does work for you - hence minimal opportunity to traumatise yourself ;)

In any case, well done for delurking and please don't let this be your one-and-only comment, unless you want it to be! We're all here and happy to chat about issues kinky and vanilla - lots of us socialise together outside of kink as well - so nobody's really that scary.


cath x

EmmaJane said...

Cat my repsone go to so long that Google won't let me publish it - so I've posted it as a separate blog post.

EJ xx

Sarah said...

Well done and a great big welcome Cat, if I added my bit it would only be repeating what has been said before, and said so much better than I ever could. I've never regretted de-lurking a few years ago and truly believe only good things will come from it for you.
Big hugs
Sarah x
ps... my verification word is CATil - spooky much?

Anonymous said...

Apparently blogger decided my last comment wasn't worth posting. Fortunately, I copied it, so here it is:

Wow! This response is incredible! Thank you all for taking the time to write so much. Your advice and personal experiences are helpful and encouraging.

@Able - I think you're right that it would be unwise for me to try to pretend this is not part of who I am. It's not something I want to suppress and wonder about forever. And I don't want to hide something so significant from my man. You said that he wouldn't actually be hurting me, and I get that, but how do I help him see it? I hope you're right about me not being attracted to someone entirely vanilla!

@Elaine - I like your perspective on first experiences. They don't have to be amazing, just so long as they aren't completely terrible. I checked out the blog you mentioned. She agrees with you that it's better to talk about early rather than ignoring it for many years. I don't think I could talk about something so personal on email, but maybe sometime when we're cuddling in the dark. That way, he can't see me, and I feel safe because he's holding me.

@Catherine - That book looks like it could be really helpful, though at this point I would be nervous to have kinky literature lying about. You are completely right when you say, "you must love and trust him a lot, and it probably means he's worth loving and trusting a lot. If he is worth it, then he will at least try to understand." This isn't the first time I've been terrified to bring up something significant. I thought it was the end of the world last year when I knew I needed to tell him that I was struggling with anorexia. At that point, I had never even told him that it had been a past problem, and I couldn't imagine telling him it had come back. I was afraid that he would decide I was too much work and not worth it. But he was so sweet. He was concerned and supportive, and he loved me through it. All that to say, he has a good track record for taking hard information well. I also appreciate your point about starting gently and working up. You're right - it would be hard to be traumatized doing it that way. Especially since I doubt he would be up to anything traumatizing at first.

-Melanie (formerly Cat (see my comment on EmmaJane's newest post for explanation of the name change))

Antonia Jane said...

This must be one of the most encouraging blog post I have ever read and the same goes for the comments as well as for the separate blogpost that followed. I have only discovered your blog a few weeks ago and was linked to some others from here. I am still in the process of reading every single of your blogposts from the very start and it helps me a lot to understand this side of my life much better. It is great to have the internet as a seemingly neverending source of information. Any your blog is so well written that it’s a pleasure to read it.

I am in a similar situation as Mel and I hear you all regarding the need to talk to the man I love. If only it would be that easy. There is this risk (at least in my mind) that he could think I’m some kind of a freak and that this would change our relationship forever. On the other hand there is the chance he might be willing to try and actually like it. Well and if he doesn’t we’d just go back to how it was before. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am still struggling if and how to start this conversation. But there were already some very helpful advices in the comments and I will see which ones fit best for us. And I would be interested to hear how Mel is doing now. Hope everything worked out find for her.

2012 was definitely not my year but if it was good for one thing it made me realise that I want to and have to live in the here and now instead of regretting afterwards what I didn’t do. Which led to revisit the kinky me after a slightly bad experience I had. So I started reading books on my kindle and spent nights doing so, never being able to put it away. I discovered the possibility of roleplay which gave me a completely new perspective to “playing”, one I believe I can consider doing even without my husband knowing. And eventually I had the courage to open a fetlife account and to start talking to a few people on there. I still don’t feel very comfortable in commenting on blogs or talking to anyone in “public”, mostly because I am intimidated by their experience and that everyone seems to know each other. Therefore it does feel a bit like intruding especially as I don’t have any stories to share yet. But I am glad that I took these first baby steps and am looking forward to what 2013 will bring.

I want to thank you and also all other bloggers for sharing your experiences on your wonderful blogs which came to be my daily bedtime reading. And sometimes a story even sneaks into my dreams and I awake with a smile on my face. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

PS: @ Catherine: I just got that book you recommended from amazon ;-)