Friday, September 24

More than a feeling

I've been thinking about relationships in the scene lately. How many types there are. How quickly they develop. How they evolve, often unpredictably.

I came into this scene looking for kink. In the back of my mind I was hopeful that someday I would find a kinky partner too. Abel had found his Haron, Pablo his Mija. It happened in this online dream world. Back then this partner was a Dominant male type, on my kinky level, monogamous and wanting a family.

Somewhere along the way I've fallen into several complicated relationships. People I love, people I share with others, people I play with, people I have sex with, people that I depend on, people who depend on me.

Relationships in the scene are quick to develop, with this online kinky community of ours a very potent catalyst. First of all there's the friendships. Thanks to our blogging and twitter community it was perfectly fine to make plans to hang out with Indy for a few days, before I even met her. Or to connect so easily with Casey the first time we met. Or to invite Irelynn to my home on first meeting.

These friendships are both casual and serious. Those who are part of my support network, my kinky family, and those who are amazing to play and hang out with.

And I found that there's a very brief period when these relationships are static, generally they are in a constant state of flux. Influenced by so many factors. Time, familiarity, exploration, egos. Brief flirtations in between. New play partners making their explorations through the mine of complex relationships they are barely aware of, let alone know how to navigate.

And  through my journey so far I have felt so many emotions, some fleeting, some lingering. The thrill of a threatened punishment, excitement at a flirty exchange, the hope of possibility, the disappointment of a something coming to nothing, the sadness of an ending, the relief of being included,  the loneliness at feeling left out, the euphoria at great play, the intense anger, the satisfaction of great sex, the peace of being cared for, the joy of being loved, the pangs of jealousy, the empathy with someone else's hurt, the fear of the unknown, the worry that I am not enough.

Of all these emotions I am painfully aware, often overwhelmed by myself and how I feel, muddled by so many contradictions. But these are not just random feelings, they sum to me. I feel, therefore I am.


Rebecca said...

Lovely summing up of the highs, lows, bonds and contradictions we all face in kinkland. And you deserve the many lovely people in your life xx

Master Retep said...

That was a beautifully succinct piece of writing. In so few words, you have embraced a broad swathe of emotions and practicalities. You have also caught how those of us in this place quite quickly reveal some intimacies to relative strangers, but reserve other vast areas of ourselves even from those we know well.

I am so appreciative of being one of those people privileged to have intersected with your world the last year or two. Enjoy your adventures.

Indy said...

What a lovely, moving piece about the emotional complexity of the public spanking scene.

I knew without a doubt that I'd really enjoy spending time with you before we met in person. Still, the reality always exceeds expectation. Not least because, even though we really do get to know one another on line, we're always a little different in person than we'd imagined, in ways that make for a richer friendship.

Indy xxx

catherine said...

Wow, only just seen this. Heady stuff, lovely girl.

Two lines particularly resonated with me: "looking for a dominant male, kinky, monogamous and wanting a family". You're still looking, I'm still looking. Do these creatures exist? ;)

And - "the worry that I am not enough" - oh, how I recognise that, as you know! But you can only be what you are, and fortunately, what you are is gorgeous and lovely.

Hmmm. I think I lack your eloquence on this one!

Oh, and I think I've accidentally taken a captcha that ought to belong to @Bex_Williams - it's "taxedu"...


Eliane said...

That's lovely. And sums up the wonderful, scary, complex world in which we live so well. And let me reassure you that if anyone ever thinks that you are "not enough", they don't deserve to be your friend!

EmmaJane said...

Thanks for the lovely comments peeps. This was a very personal post and it means a lot to have you accept it for what it was :)

@Bex I think good people will always meet gopd people, it's learning how to cut out the non-deserving people that's the problem!

@MR you know that I feel the same about you and B

@Indy yes the reality was different, but in a good way, much more real :)

@Cath, I'm not sure I'm still looking for that anymore though, I'm confused right now..

@elianech, thank you, am very lucky to count so many great friends in my life :)