Saturday, September 25

Punishments aren't meant to be easy

HH told me this and as I clung to him last night. I had just been properly punished for a real life misdemeanor and was suitably sorry, sobbing uncontrollably at one point. Give the actual punishment was a hair brushing, but of the firm (it really hurt, please stop) instead of the severe (I'm going to die) variety it may seem an over reaction.

But when it comes to discipline, real life discipline, such spankings impact me far more. It's not easy when there's no character to hide behind, when you have to admit you were at fault and accept the punishment. And whilst it's fine for a character to be told they are bad, or disappointing, it's a very different matter when someone you have great respect for tells you personally such things. And it's further compounded by knowing that they're right and that you have let them and yourself down.

It didn't come as a surprise that I was going to be spanked for this. He had told me by email I deserved to be and I had to agree. And I knew he wouldn't forget.

Most of the evening was spent eating and chatting and happily catching up. But just before bed I grew quiet, anticipating what was ahead and not looking forward to it. He started by telling me I wasn't always a good girl was I? A very small 'no' was his answer. We have something to talk about don't we? An even quieter 'yes'. I can't be allowed away with things just because they happen when we're not in the same country? A single nod.

When he got up to prepare I buried my face in the bed, already on the verge of tears. But I didn't protest when told to come to him. Put my hands on top of my head as requested and faced him as he sat on the chair. (The chair he only ever sits on when a girl is going over his lap.)

I flushed when he took my trousers and knickers down to my knees. Tried not to make any protest when he asked me to hand him the hairbrush. The voice of reason in my head told me I'd be very lucky if I got away without being slippered. But still  I had to stand before him. 

"And why are you being punished?" he asked. I searched for the words but couldn't find any. I knew why, he knew why, please don't make me say it. I bent my head low hoping he would just move onto spanking me. When his fingers raised my chin up he could surely feel my lip quivering. But I could not look at him and still I could not speak.

The shame of having to articulate it was too much and I burst into tears, that soon gave way to sobs. The reason for the spanking was mixed in with so many more things I wasn't proud off, words that had not been said, but thought, and it was too much to be expected to speak. Surely he would show me this one small mercy.

Alas it was not to be. HH sat back comfortably in his chair, he could do this all night was the subtle warning. "Come on," he chided gently.

And eventually I choked out some words "because I over reacted about something."HH agreed, "yes you did and now you're ashamed aren't you?"

These words hung in the air as I sobbed even more. When I was finally ordered over his knee I obeyed instantly, never have I been so relieved for a spanking to start. Even though it hurt and even though I squealed and cried the whole time. Being properly punished leaves no room for bravery, there's nothing you can fight, only accept.

I did feel better afterwards though. There's nothing like tears and hugs and forgiveness to cleanse the soul.

1 comment:

Master Retep said...

Brave girl.

Enjoy the new day.