Monday, September 27

A small, small girl in a big, big world

Check out Pandora’s blog for a great post on whether play makes us feel small and young, or bolder and grown-up. The post and the twitter conversation that inspired it, came from me tweeting that a caning from HH had made me realise that despite my dress and heels I wasn't quite a grown-up.

Below is my comment on Pandora's blog:

“For me most of my play is about surrendering control and responsibility. My real grown-up world ceases to exist for that brief period.

And in order to do that I retreat to feelings of smallness. Even when I play dark and abusive scenes that I inevitably come out of stronger and bolder, I still play them to feel small, diminished, less than I am.

The only grown-up scenes I play are those BDSMy scenes where it’s about both pain and pleasure, where I submit for sexual release and an adult mind fuck and where I actually want to please the other person.

But that’s very rare for me. My core kink is where I am choosing not to be grown-up. I.e. to be in positions where I am vulnerable in the face of someone else’s power and that makes me feel small.”

But I think the comment might make more sense in the context of the scene that prompted my original tweet. It had been a lovely weekend with HH, playing a variety of scenes, from real life discipline to abusive dark scenes to lighter caring scenes. I felt looked after and very relaxed. Completely removed from the worries of my day-to-day life. Free from the worries of being me.

As I prepared to leave this morning my mind was already turning to work that coming afternoon and a presentation I was due to give to some of our senior staff. I had thought about this in advance and brought along suitable clothes. A smart grey dress that came demurely to the knee, black ankle boots and nude stockings underneath completed the picture. I wore my favourite white and lacy underwear, just for added confidence. I put my hair up and looked in the mirror. A confident woman stared back at me, one who looked like she could take on the world. Gone was the teary girl, gone the girl who was spanked out of bed, gone she who lowered her panties and put herself over his knee when ordered.

That image is the essence of who I am. An outwardly strong and confident woman, with a little girl hiding inside who sometimes just wants to be looked after. The vast majority of my play lends itself to that little girlish, small, being controlled, vulnerable feeling. And when I say little girl I mean the feelings that come with it, I can feel small at all ages. And yet I also have the other side of me that exists too. The bossy, almost domineering person who rules her world. And even though my main play partners control me to some extent, that is only at my request, with my explicit permission, Just ask them what I’m like when driving, or making plans or cooking dinner. (Both Abel and HH have slunk out of my kitchen or more than one occasion!)

And today I asked HH to cane me in my grown-up clothes so I could acknowledge that little person inside me. So I could sit at work and feel cane marks burn under my smart dress and feel that somehow my two words are co-existing just as I want them to.

And for him too it was nice to think of me dispatched back to work with something to think about!


Anonymous said...

"and feel cane marks burn under my smart dress and feel that somehow my two words are co-existing just as I want them to."

And did they, and did it feel like that?

EmmaJane said...

@Bandree They did burn yes and I did wince and smile happily away to myself. But when it came to the presentation it didn't enter my head cos the grown-up part of me took over and did the job. And I wouldn't want it any other way!

Casey Morgan said...

I don't know what to say except that I know exactly what you're talking about. xx

Catherine said...

Yep, totally with you on that!


EmmaJane said...

@Casey, that's OK, I know you do :)

@Cath, hee hee, the twin thing strikes again!

Pandora Blake said...

This is so well-described that I want to relate to it - it makes perfect sense, and it feels very right, somehow.

But coming back to this post, I think it shows up the fundamental difference between the way you play and the way I do - and the way we relate to our kink. I don't really identify with that inner little girl. My inner self feels like a grownup, and I like it that way. So I don't need to compensate for my grown-up persona - just console, soothe, de-stress her. Submissive play helps balance the responsibilities of daily life, but when I submit I don't become a little girl - just an adult woman who's grateful to be relieved of her responsibilities for a little while.

I guess I want to relate to the "little girl" persona because it's such a central trope of this thing we do, but I just can't find myself in it. It's a role I can play, and it's powerful, but it doesn't reflect the inner me.

Anyway, I'm glad to understand the way you work a little better. I feel it makes more sense than the way I do! But there's nothing wrong with difference, and I'm glad to get my head around what it's like to be you a bit better than I did before.