Sunday, March 21

To my brave delurker...

Google decreed this was too long to be a comment, so here is my response to Cat's lovely and interesting comment on this post. Would love to hear from the rest of you lovely peeps on this.


Hello Cat

Thank you so much for commenting and well done for de-lurking! I really do understand how hard it is to do. But now you've done it once don't be afraid to do it again.

And I'm really thrilled that you chose my blog to speak for the first time, it's a real blogging highlight for me :)

As for my response, well Abel and Eliane have given you some great advice already. But I'll add my two cents in anyway.

You'll prob know from your reading, that most of us have always had an interest in spanking. Even if we didn't know what 'it' was or what we 'wanted'. And we've all been in the position of thinking we were the only people in the world to think like that. And I bet, like Eliane and I before you, that you always felt you'd never get to try it. That you'd never get to play like all those people with their blogs and their stories.

But the first step is admitting this is what you're into and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Second step is reaching out - to someone, even if just to talk about it. The third is to make it happen for you.

And as you have discovered, there are many ways to live and experience this thing we do. From regular playdates, to a marriage where such play is a life style, to attending clubs, to domestic discipline to group play.

If you were unattached I'd be suggesting joining Fetlife, finding people and groups in your area. Commenting on blogs of people in your area. Striking up conversations!

But as you're engaged and presumably very happy about it and not wanting to do anything outside of your relationship then I'd suggest telling him about it, in slow subtle steps. Do you ever watch Scrubs? There's an episode in it where the Janitor is trying to tell his girlfriend about his various 'hobbies' but tells her too much to quickly. As Carla advises 'don't tell all your crazy at once'.

And not that this is crazy but you have to be prepared for the fact it could be a shock to him. You've been trying to understand and reconcile yourself to this for a long time. So start with hints. And one of the best ways is when you're being intimate with each other. I was first spanked by my vanilla ex-boyfriend. Very early in our relationship we were having sex and I encouraged him to be rough with me. Encouraging him more until he slapped me gently on my bottom. I made it clear I liked this and he did it again. Afterwards I told how much I'd liked it. Bit by bit I told him more, gauging his reaction, ready to pull out of the conversation if he closed it down.

And once I had his interest and he understood it was something I really wanted and needed I gave him websites and stories to read that helped explain just what I was into. In time we played out scenes and explored what worked for each other. We had a very successful semi-kinky relationship for a few years, (it dissolved for other reasons) all based on compromise. He never liked hurting me, never enjoyed making me cry, never became a top or a dom, but he grew to like how I reacted, and to understand this is what I needed and that it made me a happier person and did he cos he loved me. I compromised by pulling back on some of the things I wanted to do that he wouldn't have been comfortable with.

Abel and Eliane have also given some other great advice for how to bring this up. At the end of the day you know him best. You'll know the right way to mention it, how far too push it. Explain how you feel and why you crave this - don't just tell him you want to be beaten for the sake of it.

As for whether you'll enjoy it or not, well that can only be answered one way. My tastes and interests continually evolve but when I started out a gentle hand spanking was all I needed. The being spanked was enough then. And my non-kinky, non-toppy boyfriend was well capable of administering it. And we went on from there. There's loads of advice on how to give a spanking and how to communicate with your partner to make it work for both of you. But that's a whole other issue right now and one we can talk about later :)

So given that I seem to be able to control you with my words (:-P) off you go now and think about how you're going to broach this, then start the conversation gently. And don't forget to let me know how it goes. My email address in on the blog too if you want to move to direct chatting.

EJ xxx


Anonymous said... you've gone and introduced me to the whole world as Cat, and here I wanted to change my name! Oh well...I'll go ahead. :) I was much too tired last night to come up with an alias that I really liked, but I didn't feel like I could just leave the comment anonymously. Since then, I have decided that I would really like to go by Melanie.

Thank you for your long and thoughtful response! I feel honored that I prompted an entire post. I will admit that I laughed when I read "don't just tell him you want to be beaten for the sake of it." I'm glad my roommates aren't in at the moment - I have no desire to explain what prompted the random outburst of laughter.

Your experience with your ex is encouraging. I know my man loves me and would be willing to do most anything for me. I'm just ridiculous. Half the time I can't even ask for a back rub because I feel like I'm imposing (he naturally disagrees). But this is so much bigger than anything else I have trouble requesting. I know he will need to understand why I want this if he's going to bring himself to deliver, and I don't know how to answer that. I don't even understand why this is something I want (need?); it's just part of who I am.

You advise going slow. Fortunately, I'm inclined that direction as much because of my own fear as because I want to avoid pushing him away. I have no doubt that hand-spanking will be enough for starters (though, in time, I definitely want to move beyond that).


Sarah said...

Hi Mel, so pleased you commented again, little steps headed in the right direction. Well done, and well done EJ for being you, the girl with the perfect delurking blog for Mel :-) xxx

Master Retep said...

Mel, you were very perceptive, even if it was accidental, to choose Emmajane to "come out to".

Myself and my wife discovered this shared interest about 30 years into our relationship and marriage. Slap and tickle had always been there, but there had been other undercurrents running in parallel for both of us. I wont repeat here what you can read in my blog, suffice to say I discovered EJ's writing whilst my wife was reading amongst others. This site is a little more Domestic Discipline geared than role play, but what we liked was its intelligent writing, much of it by people facing your dillema of how to introduce a partner to their interests.

I say that you were wise to pick EJ because, in the intervening year I and my wife have had the joy of becoming real world friends of her and many of her circle (I can now claim to have socialised with almost all the people who have commented so far) and they are all sincere compassionate real people. EmmaJane would not tolerate any timewasters amongst her friends. You can take their advice as soundly based on genuine life experience.

All I can add is a technique used by my wife to get my early attention. Responding to a minor tiff with a "Well what are you going to do about it?" and a provocatively offered bum will usually work on all but the most unaware of males.

Hang in with this bunch, they're sound. Wishing both of you every happiness for your future.

Paul said...

EmmaJane, what a helpful and friendly post.
This seems to the Hallmark of our community.
I hope everything goes well for you Mel, baby steps to begin with, is very good advice.
Warm hugs,

Anonymous said...

Thank you all for your warm wishes and friendly thoughts. You are most encouraging! :)

@Master Retep - Delurking here was semi-intentional. I've thought for a while that if I ever got the guts to post, this is where it would be. The website you linked is interesting. I don't think I want that lifestyle, but it gives helpful perspective. Your anecdote about your wife made me smile. Things could very well start similarly between my man and myself. I definitely have an "Are you gonna make me?" streak (where the answer I'm hoping for is a resounding "Yes!").


Indy said...

Hello Mel,

I'll echo everyone else's warm welcomes and congratulations on taking this step-- it's a big one, and you've done it in style! It seems natural that it will lead to real life friendships, whether they're limited to on-line ones because of distances (the lack of a u in honored makes me think you, like me, live an ocean away from the rest of these folks!) or they lead to real life meetings, too.

I'll defer to those more knowledgeable than I about spanking & marriage, but I absolutely agree with Eliane, EJ, and Abel about taking it easy as you seek your first spanking experience. I was so nervous at my first spanking party, which was also the first time I played in real life. The most amazing part was that being skirt down and knickers up over the knee of someone I'd just met was by far the least strange part of that evening.

It didn't take much to give me a wonderful floaty feeling, and it was *such* a relief to know that I really did like being spanked. I didn't think it was likely that I'd fantasize about it for 35+ years and not like it in real life, but it made such a difference to be sure.

If you haven't seen Bonnie's My Bottom Smarts, I'd recommend that as another good place to find advice about how to broach the topic with your fiance, how to proceed once you've done so, and perhaps for some reading material for your fiance. One of the things that can be hard about first coming to understand this world is the difference between fantasy and reality, so it was helpful to read about the real-life experiences of Bonnie and her readers.

Finally, whether you want to play with people other than your fiance or not, I think it makes a big difference to meet other kinky people. We tend to bond rather quickly in a kinky crowd-- perhaps because we've by definition told our companions something that some of us spent decades thinking we'd never tell anyone. Depending on where you live, the organizers of local kink groups can be helpful, or there's always the friend of a friend of a friend approach.

However you go about your exploration, I hope it leads not just to the initial exhilaration and freedom of accepting, then embracing your desires, but also to a lifetime full of satisfaction.


Anonymous said...

You are very sweet, Indy. Thank you. You deduce correctly that I "live an ocean away from the rest of these folks."

Ernest said...

Dear Mel,

Just a note from a very occasional comment-poster to endorse what some of the ‘big names’ in our world have said. I would encourage you to take whatever chances you have to go as far as you want – and I speak as someone who spent his teens and his twenties in denial that he could have these strange interests, his thirties and forties becoming through magazines a non-practising expert in the theory of them, and only now in my fifties have actually started to make some very good (real-life) friends and have some remarkable and exciting experiences! You have time to truncate that record considerably!

And though I have never met her, I would also agree - on the basis of reading her blog and the occasional interchange of email - that in EmmaJane you chose a suitably caring and considerate person to come out to.

And don’t worry about your name – I’ve used I think four with different people, and one or two even know my real name! But it’s not Ernest Raymond – which I borrowed from the author of some remarkable novels which included several scenes and throw-away remarks that I believe could only have been written by someone who shared our interests. (Look for Tell England, the text is on the internet.)

Good luck and best wishes,


dublin.paolo said...

Those first steps....yes those were the days!!
Nice post.

Graham said...

Mel ~

I've been off the grid these past several days and have only just now been able to read your delurk and EJ's response. So, sorry for the late reply, and YAY to you for delurking. I delurked in fits and starts, and each time was nerve-racking. And each time, the community of international online perverts was as welcoming as can be : )

You've gotten lots of great advice from people far more experienced than me, but I would like to add one thing that hasn't been said (or was missed by my rapid skimming of all the posts and comments I'm catching up on!)

Recently on my blog I mentioned the sex-advice writer Dan Savage (who I seem to mention a lot, I promise I'm not his publicist or anything!) But he's spoken a lot about how kinky people should go about discussing their desires with their partners. And his advice is particularly directed toward women, who tend to have been socially conditioned not to be vocal about their sexual needs.

And his main point is this: Don't go about it as if it were an apology or a confession. Don't act like it's a Deep Dark Secret, don't act like it makes you a freak. Don't project revulsion or fear. Present it like it's a gift. Like it's something awesome and precious and fun and rare. Like it's just another perk of getting to marry and be with you.

Because it is. Kinky women are in great demand, believe it or not. The odds that your fiance has non-vanilla fantasies are decently high. Will they match up with your fetishes completely? Well, probably not, but then again, no two people have all the same desires, do they? But the chances that the two of you can find some common sexual ground — common kinky ground — are pretty good, I'd say.

On another note... I too was completely terrified about maybe not being into spanking or able to handle it, and was totally convinced that I'd be satisfied, at first, with just a light hand-spanking. Let's just say those were dramatic underestimations. You may just surprise yourself ; )

Anyway, thanks again for delurking, and feel free to email me anytime. Please do let us know how things work out... We're nosy, we are... Ok, maybe just me.

EmmaJane said...

Hey Mel

Hope things are going OK. Don't forget to keep in touch :)