Sunday, June 7

Consensual Non-Consent

A couple of blog posts by others have got me thinking about 'non-consent'.

Eliane writing about the power of the word 'no'. She likes being told it; I like saying it. And Kami's description about a very intense rape scene she did recently.

For me 'non-consent' is a powerful turn on. At the most basic level it's the underlying parameter to every spanking and punishment scene I do. Partly it's my get out of jail free card, allowing me to pretend I don't want (need) to be punished. Being forced to endure the punishment is half of the thrill in it. But mostly it makes it all the more realistic to be punished against your will. Real school girls, naughty little girls, reformatory inmates and so on, don't want to be punished; they just have to suffer what they're given.

And 'no' is a great word to reinforce the helplessness and impotency in a scene. I can say it, shout it, scream it, plead it; but to no avail. And that's extremely hot, especially if it's in a sex scene.

But the most important thing is we wouldn't enjoy any of these scenes if we had not previously given our consent. If we hadn't agreed to be punished, if we hadn't agreed to submit to sex, if we hadn't agree to be used. Otherwise it's just the other type of abuse that I certainly don't find hot.

Giving consent in advance to a trusted play partner allows the 'non-consent' in the scene to take place safely and enjoyably, for both parties. The fantasy is then created by the top/dom controlling how and when it happens and the bottom/sub screaming, crying, begging "no, please, stop, no, I don't want this", but the top continuing as he pleases.

His sense of power is heightened as equally as her despair is, making the scene work even better for both of them.

As this was on all my mind last night it's no wonder then that I had the following dream:

'I was held by a Domme that I knew, but had never played with. Limits had not been discussed. I was afraid and didn't want to play. I told her no over and over again but she ignored me, beating and violating me unmercifully. But I wasn't enjoying it. The only feelings I felt were fear. Then other people joined the scene, people I have played with before and trusted. I tried to to tell them I didn't want this, begged them to help me. But they just thought my pleas were part of the scene. They merely watched the Domme abuse me, enjoying my distress, not realising it was real, not knowing I wasn't at all turned on'

I'm still trying to figure out if the dream meant I really want to be abused, completely non-consensually. Or whether it was to remind me of safewording. Not once in the dream did I say it. Would she have stopped if I had? I'll never know.

But I do know for all my talk of non-consent and being controlled in a scene, I'll always have my safeword to stop if it becomes too intense or I can't handle it. And for the top's sake he must be able to trust me to use it. We're both equally responsible for the scene going wrong or going too far. Most of all we can't forget that 'non-consent' is just a carefully crafted illusion.


Erik said...

Again a good contribution raising a good discussion. We all know that spanking movies are fiction, when a child gets a spanking for being naughty it is non-fiction, non-consent. I a spanking movie it is the bottom who decides how far she will go, some takes a lot and many love to see it, but in the end it is busines, and I allways have had the feeling that there was an agreement how far the girl would go and a safeword could stop it. Am I wrong?

Kami Robertson said...

I do have dreams about non-consensual abuse every now and then. They are netiher hot or nice but I'm not really bothered by it, it's just a dream. The same I dreamt once about dying - doubt I actually want to die LOL

Oh, and you know what I think about your interest in consensual non-consent you sick little thing :)

Spanked Girls said...

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I have a spanking blog to. If you like exchange links let me know!

Best Regards


Julie said...

Mhhm, consensual non-consent appears to be working very well for me as well. I love struggling against my partner and being forced to submit in a scene - I do have my obedient-from-the-beginning days, but they are rare.

EmmaJane said...

@Erik, yes safewords are the norm in most spanking play.

@Kami, equally sick as me of course in that way!

@Miss Jules, LOL, I have to admit I can be quite good at the obedient-from-the beginning bit, but that's cos I'm a GOOD girl ;)

MecIrlandais said...

"Most of all we can't forget that 'non-consent' is just a carefully crafted illusion"

I love this comment, it sums up perfectly what I am looking to achieve in a scene. It is a difficult balancing act & sometimes I just have not got the balance with certain players. I usually don't feel like giving them a second chance, but maybe this is too harsh, I don't know.

Kami Robertson said...

You? Good? I was always told that lying is not a feature of a good girl :P

EmmaJane said...

@Mec, it's certainly a difficult balance to achieve but both have to work at it. My experiences have been mostly good so far and unless someone did something completely out of line (like ignore a safeword)I'd probably give them a second chance.

@Kami, hey you, I don't count little lies as being all that BAD :-P

Anonymous said...

Once I consent to submit to my boyfriend (HoH) to make a decision to give me a discipline spanking. The manner in which he administrators that punishment spanking is not in my control. Meaning that whatever position, implement, severely and intensity he wants to spank me is his decision. At that point, its nonconsensual as to the means it given to me; however, since I gave him my consent it becomes a non-consensual punishment spanking. Consensual because I agreed to submit to but non-consensual as how, with what, how hard, fast and how long its going to be spanked. Although, I hate punishment spanking because for him, it doesn't it doesn't start until I'm crying, I gave him that consent to do so. So the real question is, did you consent to his authority or to make those decisions or not!

Anonymous said...

Punishment spankings are completely different. They always starts with a very long hand warm-up spanking, set that dam egg timer again. Than I have to stand in the dam corner and he set the egg timer and doesn’t tell me how long he set it for. But I can pull up my jeans and rub all I want as long as I hold the paper against the wall with my noise at all time. Than its back over his knee or over the couch, I get no safe word and he always uses an implement usually a belt, hairbrush or switch (really hate that). Again, makes me take down my own pants and panties to my knees and no further. Most of the time he starts off slow and ends in a flurry which last for quite a while, like a fireworks show with the grand finally. I have to count, “1 sir, 2 sir. . .” until I reach my age than I don’t have to count anymore. He continues his slow pace but very hard. There is no specified number of swats, not specified time. He says a punishment spanking doesn’t usually start until I am crying; it doesn’t begin until I am at the point when I want it to stop, when I am right at my pain threshold. Then he starts a very long flurry (absolutely no pauses between swats and very hard). He spanks the living daylights out of my entire backside, upper thighs to top part of my ass but avoids my tail bone at all cost. He knows when to start the flurry because I am at my pain limit when I started to bucking, clenching and unclenching involuntarily, gripping the blankets, pushing my face into a pillow and biting like crazy in attempts to muffle my screaming; that’s when he lays into me with fast and hard swats, no pauses between swats. When the hard and fasts ones start that is a signal to me to time stop fighting it and stop trying to suck it up and allow myself to give in to the spanking. When it over I'm a bawling, sobbing mess of cathartic crying, puffy eyes, tears streaming down my face, noise running, hiccups crying and I am always am doing that dan spanking dance when he lets me up. After, I stop hoping up and down he holds me and lets me cry it all out in his arms and we make up. Does anyone else do the spanking dance like that?

Anonymous said...

I'm 22 very pettie and in great shape but sometimes I can get out of control so I am in a discipline relationship with my boyfriend. Just about two weeks ago, I accidentally clipped his motorcycle just enough to tip it over. I felt so bad and he was so upset I agreed to take what he calls a "real punishment spanking" (no safe word, no warm up, no limit on the number of swats and no specified time limit) bare ass with whatever he decides to use. It took him three day before he was calm enough. He never touches me in anger. I have only had a few "real punishment" spanking since we been together the past few years. I pushed my pants and panties all the way down to my knees as he asked me too before going over his knee.
He picked up a bamboo backscratcher he got from the dollar store. He used the flat part of the handle and paddled the living daylights out of my bare ass hard and fast with rapid fire whacks, no pauses between swats. It went on on for like forever. He didn't stop until my entire reer end was welted from the tops my cheeks to my upper thighs.
When he finally let me up I was crying out of control and I did that embarrassing spanking dance too. I arched my back, pushed my hips forward, flew my hands over my ass and started rubbing fanatically as I was hoping up and down and turning about in all directions. He said he got so turned on watching me do that spanking dance performance.