Friday, July 31

Is this a competition?

Once again Jessica has posted on a very interesting topic. I may have to stop reading her blog cos she makes me think too much and sometimes that hurts. I have to think all day at work, so I want to come home and relax. Not think!

But her topic today was competitive subbing. It doesn't sound like a nice thing to do. To try to out do another sub. Taking more than they can, or taking it more bravely or quietly or whatever.

And I hate to admit it but I am certainly a lil guilty of this. I never judge another bottom on how or what they take. I genuinely feel empathy and sorrow for a fellow bottom being punished. To the point I'm almost patronising. Offering to take it for them. Like I don't think they can or want to take it themselves.

But despite this I find public punishments bring out another side of me. I don't know if it's stubborness or competitive spirit but I always find I can take a lot more when there are other people watching. And I'm as stoic as possible. It's like I feed on the situation. The emotions of the scene don't get to me as much as an intense three-way or one-to-one play. With an audience it's a different matter. It's almost like playing for pride.

Yet I'm not sure exactly what I'm proud of. Playing in clubs is an excellent example of this. Especially when I'm playing with my good friend Caroline Grey. I want to take as much as she takes. I want to be strapped and caned as much as she is. Nothing less will do.

And I find I can take it long and hard in these situations. I don't know for who's benefit this is. Maybe the audience enjoys it, but in some way my ego certainly does.

I can't explain it. I'd be the first to tell a top to take it easy or advise a bottom to not push it too hard, but in the heat of the moment I get my kink on and I can't stop until the pain gets too much. Is this something I need to work on? Or is this truly letting go? Pushing myself until I'm no longer topping from the bottom or just taking things too far? I don't know.

Yet my favorite scenes are those that leave me weeping and broken. Crumpled up on the floor begging for release. I don't think I'll ever achieve this with an audience cos my pride and ego are in the way. But I know that if I reached that level of submission in public, and therefore freedom, I'd be truly sated.

At the end of the day I think this is a competition. But there's only one other competitor: me.


Abel1234 said...

>"Yet my favorite scenes are those that leave me weeping and broken... I don't think I'll ever achieve this with an audience"

Now, you see, tops can be competitive too. And that sounds like a rather nice challenge...!

Paul said...

EmmaJane, an interesting concept, competing with yourself.
I can get my head round that.
Warm hugs,

Sandy Park said...

Wow. Great topic. I could identify COMPLETELY. And I think I've only had one top who was able to get me to that state you described ("weeping and broken') in public.

After many years of public play, I still push myself. Well, that's the fantasy, isn't it? To take what they tell you you've earned?

I tend to reserve safe words for tops who don't know what they're doing, or those who are boring the shit out of me.

Rebecca said...

It's a funny one - I don't think for me it is a competition really, but I do sometimes have scenes where my endurance goes through the roof. I think whether you want to go to the 'weeping and breaking' point in public play is a pretty personal thing and probably one to be handled with care to be happy that the people around you could cope with it and wouldn't get upset for you...

EmmaJane said...

@Abel, I think this isn't a challenge for the top. I have taken spankings in private with the right tone and intensity that have made me cry, but the same level of pain doesn't ever translate into that type of intensity and therefore reaction, in public. It brings out a different side in me.

@Rebecca, yes it's a good point. But one of the reasons I don't let go in public play is because I'm way too consious of the audience.

@Sandy, really glad I'm not the only one who feels this :)

@Paul, thanks for the lovely comment (as usual)

Jessica said...

Well, I like to cause debate. As long as nobody punches me!
It would have been interesting to have you at that Girls Night Out Emma - it wouldn have been a new viewpoint!

EmmaJane said...

@Jessica, debate is good and different viewpoints are good too :)

But seriously have to stop nicking all your ideas for blog posts!!

MecIrlandais said...

I am not competitive at all, it would kill me to be with you & Miss Grey around! But at least one time in a joint scene you inspired me to take more than I usually do, there was defo some 'energy' (sorry for the waffley word, hard to desribe!) which was pushing me.

Or maybe I wanted all the pain I could take on my bottom to take my mind away from the pain on the fleshy part of my upper arm from your nip & twist! I still flinch at the thought of that. I wish I could forget it!!!

TC said...

Hard to know who I'd back in a public spank-off between EmmaJane and Caroline. It would certainly be one of the classics in the racing calendar. Maybe Eliane could be a dark horse and steal the next Nimhneach derby by a nose? That's if her trainer doesn't declare her to be a non-runner. Though I hear her form is going good to firm this weather. At least one can't be banned for excessive use of the whip at this meeting :)

As MecIrlandais says, having someone alongside in a similar predicament can be inspirational. But at some point someone may have to shout stop. If the proud fillies are too competitive to do so then there's no shame in calling a halt and declaring an honourable draw or even a 'dead heat'. Following a steward's inquiry of course.

Pandora Blake said...

Great post and thread. I was going to post something constructive, but Frank has made me laugh too hard!