Monday, August 10

Leave me alone

An important part of winding down after a scene is the HUG. It's a way for the top and bottom to reassure each other. To clearly end the scene and get back to reality. Sometimes a brief hug is all that's needed and other times it may be a long hug while both process what's just taken place. Usually there's a chat about the scene too. The great parts, things that maybe didn't go so well, giggling over things that were said etc.

The previous time I played with HH we did such an intense scene that I cried for 20 minutes afterwards. I couldn't talk, I just needed to cry it out. Thankfully he was ok with that and held me until I was ready to chat and do a final hug.

But not every top is comfortable with this. Tops need reassurance too. They need to know that they haven't gone too far, that the scene worked, that the tears are ok, that the tears will stop. So I need to communicate this to new play partners.

I don't cry after every scene and I rarely cry in the scene. But if you push me to an emotional place then I need to work through it. I need time afterwards to deal with what just happened and this does not mean you have done anything wrong. Please be patient with me. Of course it's easier if this is talked about up front and you understand me.

It's a bigger problem when I need to be alone after a scene. As in don't touch me or come near me until I'm ready. It happens very rarely but can be difficult for play partners to deal with. I understand that but don't know how to get over it.

As happened over the weekend with HH. After a long day of play I got a bed time strapping and then a paddling. The strap was thin but wide and it HURT so badly. I cried from the first stroke. Not silent tears either, but noisy gulping cries. I don't know how many I got but enough to be truly sobbing by the time he switched to the wooden paddle.

I couldn't believe anything could be as bad as that strap, but the paddle was 10 times worse. And I gave way to gut wrenching sobs the whole way through it. But it was all good pain. A truly emotional release as he stripped me away. I trusted HH. We both knew this is what I wanted, what I needed.

When he gave me the last stroke, the relief of finishing overwhelmed me. I was hyperventilating, struggling to control my breathing. All I could do was lie on the bench and cry it out.

He knows me well enough not to hurry me. Gently telling me to call him when I needed him he sat on the bed, watching me until I was ready. It's a tough place for a top to be. I know that. He wants to comfort me. He needs to be reassured. But I couldn't go to him until I calmed down, until I could breathe again, until I started to process it.

I would never end the scene without that HUG though. Even if it comes 20 minutes or an hour afterwards. It's too important to forgo. But sometimes directly afterwards, I just need to be left alone.


Erik said...

Thanks for telling about your feelings. You are really a sensitive, wonderful girl and also a fantastic writer. Hugs hugs

Abel1234 said...

Lovely post. Makes me want to give you a hug!

Paul said...

EmmaJane, this just goes to show that TTWD is more complicated than many realise.
A very timely post, thank you.
Warm hugs,

A.S.S. said...

Very intense... and a wonderful tip. Even though a spanking ends, a scene might last quite a bit longer. Not only do tops need to know this... but so do bottoms. Have a good spankee friend that shares a story about having to rush home after an intense spanking... only to find herself in her car crying nonstop for almost an hour (with no one there to help).

Have to give it time... and yes... sometimes they hug at the end has to wait.

Lovely post,
~Todd and Suzy

Jessica said...

I'm not a hug fan - partly because I don't like 'soppiness'. I'm happy to lie and chat with the dom afterwards, but lots of hugging - ew! And when I'm topping, I hardly ever give them, unless the submissive asks for one, which does make me feel a little guilty!

Julie said...

Well written and very insightful. Makes me wonder how I will react once the time has come..

Anonymous said...

Beautifully expressed, Emma. Sometimes we need to be alone with our pain to fully experience and process it. Comfort can wait.

Henry Higgins said...

This is a complicated thing, for the top as well as the bottom. Two people need to understand each other before it's OK not to hug straight afterwards.

I remember the first really intense scene we did together. Afterwards you wanted to shut yourself away, but you weren't sure if I'd be OK with it. You'd start to let yourself go, then suddenly stop and squeeze my hand. After a minute or two I realised that you were trying to reassure me. So I whispered something that made it OK, and then you let yourself cry.

I've just noticed what blogger wants me to type back to it to authenticate this comment: it's "whines".

Caroline Grey said...

I agree. Super super post.

I really like how you talked about how it's important to think about what the Top goes through after a scene. It's not all about us and our feelings.

That said, a good/experienced Top will understand when you need that space. Forcing hugs and cuddles on someone after a hard scene can be really counter-productive. I've certainly been there. Sometimes I need to be alone after a hard one like that simply to process the pain. Sometimes I know I need to cry and if I am disturbed I'll stop crying. Sometimes the scene has released some anger and I need to work through that before I can be receptive to any cuddling.

Master Retep said...

Very educational and informative post, and has triggered a constructive set of comments. Thanks for sharing this very personal insight.

Master Retep said...

Your post has prompted further thoughts on my own blog.