Tuesday, August 18


I'm out of sorts and I can't figure out if it's cos I'm tired, stressed to high heaven at work and recently been sick.

Or is it because I played mentally too far on Saturday? Was that scene too intense? Did I push myself too far?

To be absolutely clear there was nothing wrong with the actual scene or Zytex. A hugely experienced player and one of the Nimhneach Dungeon Masters I was in very safe hands. We chatted frankly up front about my limits, my experience, what I'd done previously, my need to have my mind dominated, what I wanted to do. Safe words and safe symbols.

Then I sat and waited. Until he came to me, blindfolded me and led me away. And for the next hour I was his. At the time I was certainly enjoying it, totally immersed in the sub space, reveling in his dominance, proud of my obedience.

Both my mind and body reacted eagerly to him. And at all times I felt safe and comfortable, in control of myself, in control of my lack of control. I challenged myself to obey. To see if I could do it. And I was exhilarated by it. Afterwards I was happily in sub space. I glowed with it.

But the next day I crashed. Hard. And I'm still down. Still struggling with my thoughts. I've tried to write up the scene and can't. The words won't come out. I don't want to share the details. Is this more than sub drop?

Is it because the recollection of what I did, allowed to be done to me, asked to be done to me, is too much? Tied up naked, probed intimately, as others watched. Suffered willingly, gave control away. Maybe because it was public? Or was it because I went unexpectedly deep? Was it cos I didn't want it to end? Or cos I didn't have enough coming down time.

Or was it because I'm scared of my reaction. How easily he controlled me. How willingly I obeyed. I'm not submissive. I don't want to be anyone's slave. It's not a play or lifestyle choice for me. And I'm worried about where it will go and what I will become.

But it thrilled me at the time. I didn't want it to end. I loved the simplicity of giving up control. The idea of blind trust and following orders. And how wonderful it felt. And I'm scared because consciously I don't want to be like that.

But maybe unconsciously I do.


Graham said...

I can't say I speak from experience, but... maybe it's just expected that the more intense the scene, the harder the crash. And on the other side of subdrop, it'll seem easier to accept that you just like experimenting with certain kinds of submissive play with trusted, limit-abiding partners... All that matters is that you're safe and enjoying yourself, right?

Anyway, take care of yourself - I'm pretty sure snow cones can cure all problems. And listening to "Beast of Burden," by the Stones. Unless you don't like snow cones, or Mick Jagger, in which case I'll just stop rambling now!! hope you feel better : )

Kami Robertson said...

"And I'm worried about where it will go and what I will become."

It will go where you want it to go. You will become who you want to become :)
You are too smart and too responsible to be a victim of it.

As far as play is concerned. Can anyone be reponsible for their dreams? And who said you can't enjoy you subconscious mind and thoguht?

You don't have to go back, and if you will, it will be *your* choice.

EmmaJane said...

@Graham thanks, yes enjoying is the main thing

@Kami "You are too smart and too responsible to be a victim of it" Yes I am and thanks for the reminder :) At the end of the day I'm not forced to do anything, I just like to think that I am!!

Erik said...

Yes I agree with Kami, bright girl with a huge personality