Friday, August 14

Thou shalt not give rise to anger

I experienced a new emotion over the weekend. Anger came a knocking. I'm still not sure where it came from or who it was directed at, but it was there, in vibrant force. Nor do I know if feeling such intense anger was a good or bad thing. But in at least two scenes I got inexplicably angry. I'm still trying to figure out who was angry, me or my character. And who was I angry at? Myself? HH in his role? Kami for witnessing it?

I'm not usually prone to anger in scenes. Usually bratty or giggly or mischievous or sorry or scared but never angry. Or at least not angry for long. When the pain is truly getting to me I kick my legs or beat my fists in frustration.

Was there something particular about that weekend? Was it because of a long, stressful week? Not having played in a while? Being tired? Not being able to get into the right headspace or getting too far into headspace?

The first scene leant itself to anger I guess Two schoolgirls sent to the newly appointed Headmaster for fighting in public.

He made special mention of me as the senior girl needing to set a better example to younger girls, i.e. Kami. His patronising attitude, the fact he was new to the school, was intent in introducing corporal punishment and 'changing' us really got to me. We were just bothersome little girls to be severely punished.

He then produced a hairbrush and ordered us to lower our knickers, lift our skirts and get over his knee in turn. The humiliation was intense. I had to watch Kami get it first and feel guilty I got her into this. Which is funny because in advance the premise of the scene was that we hated each other and would keep blaming each other for what happened. But Kami, like playing with Eliane or Caroline drew my empathy and protective instincts.

By the time the hairbrush was acquainting itself with my own bottom, I was seething. Gripping the chair in pure stubbornness I barely drew breath during the scene. I channelled all my energy into not feeling it. Into not reacting. Into not letting HIM win.

By the time he let me up I was sweating from pain and effort and his taunts that surely I was too old to be be spanked over his knee stung. And it just made me more angry. He then strapped us extremely hard and I couldn't take the pain without moving. I couldn't help but react and yelp. And that made me more angry.

The last part was a final OTK spanking where we both had to ask him to 'please smack my naughty little bottom', which I muttered through gritted teeth. It was a relief to finish the scene. To breathe again. To relax.

Afterwards HH asked what was I so angry about and I honestly didn't know. Of course my character was angry with the Headmaster, (I certainly wasn't angry with HH) but was that all? And I do hate the hairbrush, not my favorite implement at all, because I can't be brave for it. But when the same anger surfaced after a very intense scene where I was raw and open and overreacted to something silly, it made me think twice.

I'm not overly worried about it yet. We did a lot of scenes over the weekend and I didn't feel the same anger in or after all of them. And it's never happened before. But if it continues to rear it's head, I'll have to think about it a bit more. At least figure out if it's a good release or not. Cos inherently it feels wrong for me, for Emma Jane.

1 comment:

Paul said...

EmmaJane, you are wise to consider why your feelings change.
When we scene a lot our feelings may evolve, which can produce a whole different flavour to the scene, this can be disconcerting.
Warm hugs,